TV show quotes
You know the strangest thing about Mr. Wilson? When he comes over he never says anything.
Yeah, that’s because he is a mute.
Oh right. [Pause.] What’s a mute?
He’s a mute - he can’t talk.
Ohh... No, I’m still not clear on this mute business.
For some reason he is unable to speak.
Ohhh... No, I still don’t get it.
He’s a mute! He’s dumb!
Yeah, well, I’m dumb too, but at least I’m polite enough to speak to people!
As my father always used to say, "The early bird catches the worm".
[Confused] How does that relate to this?
Well, the first bird up, the worms are his.
[Still confused] Yes but, I don't see the connection with our problem.
[Circling the hole in the wall with a chisel] If you're up before the other biiiiirrrrrrdddds, you won't go hungry.
[Still confused] Yes, but...
[Yelling] LOOK I DONT KNOW. I'M JUST TRYING TO BE POSITVE. MY FATHER SAID IT, IT RELATED TO SOMETHING, AND IT MADE ME FEEL GOOD. CAN WE JUST GET ON WITH IT?!
It's gonna be great in there tonight isn't it? With all those pop stars and dancers and actors.
I wonder if any of the great Hollywood actors'll be there Col, like Charlton Burton.
[pauses] There's no such person you idiot. It's either Charlton Heston or Richard Burton.
No, Charlton Burton. There's a Charlton Burton! He was in that film, that classic film, everybody loves it, 'The Long Long Eyebrow.' It's my favourite.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will only cause permanent psychological damage!
I wanna be good out there, Frank! This is my big chance to make a mark in the world! I wanna be remembered. I...I wanna be famous. I wann be a historical figure like Alexander the Great or Scott of the Antarctic or Weird Al Yankovic, you know!
I didn't know anyone even lived in the Antartic.
[confused] What?
[recalling what Colin said] Scott. Scott of the Antartic.
He wasn't from the Antarctic. He was English. He went there on an expedition. Look, we haven't got time to talk about that now.
Well, why do they call him 'Scott OF the Antarctic'? They should call him 'Scott Who Went TO the Antartic'. I mean, a friend of mine Russell went to Thailand once and I don’t call him 'Russell of Thailand'.
Can we just get on with rehearsal please?
And why'd he go there anyway?
He wanted to be the first man to reach the South Pole, but he was beaten by some Norwegian guy. He froze to death on the way back.
So, they should call him 'Scott Who Went to the Antartic...But Probably Shouldn't Have'.
I really think we should go out.
[Colin moans unenthusiastically]
It's worth a try.
I don't think so.
Give it a chance.
There's no way.
Come on, Col.
I'm not sure.
Could just work.
You really think so?
You never know.
I just don't...
You're coming 'round.
[enthusiastically] I think I am!
That's the way!
Let's give it a try!
I'm with you!
So I am!
Come on, let's go!
I gotta get ready!
Good idea!
I'm hitting the shower!
I am too!
[sternly] No, you're not! I like to shower alone. I mean, I like...I like you a lot. And we're gonna go out tonight. It's gonna be great. But I'd rather shower by myself if that's all the same to you. Okay?
[Colin and Frank grin and give each other two thumbs-up.]
I'm gonna go on a long walk and collect autumn leaves.
You'd better make it a long walk.
Why?
Because its SPRING...
I don’t think you’re pulling your weight, frankly!
My name’s not Frankly!
[confused] What?
You dropped the wood!
[looking around] Where?
NO you called me Frankly, my name’s Frank Woodley, frankly it makes me uncomfortable.
What makes you uncomfortable?
Frankly!
Yes, I wish you were just honest with me. What’s upsetting you?
I don’t like it when you drop the wood!
I didn’t drop the wood! Frankly, I don’t what you’re talking about!
Don’t call me Frankly!
Cut the wood!
I’m not cutting the Wood. It’s part of my name!
Grab an axe and cut up pieces of timber for me!
Oh, okay. Why didn’t you just say so!
You put the apple on your head and I'll shoot this arrow through your head... Through the apple on your head.
If I didn't have my Autumn leaf album in my jacket pocket, that arrow would've gone straight through my heart!
Oooh... it is the emperor of bellywhackas!
[dressed in the Penguin Man Costume] Hey look, I'm Penguin Man!
Hello Penguin Man. I wish my friend Col was here. He loves you.
Oooooooh! It is the lord, the messiah of all bellywhackas!
Do you believe in Harold, Col?
Harold? Who's Harold?
Harold. That’s God’s name, everybody knows that. It’s in that prayer: 'Our father, who art in heaven, Harold be thy name'.
[Holy music is playing.] It was the most beautiful voice I’ve ever heard. It was God’s voice. And God said... [The music stops.] ‘Frank. Frank, go back. You’re just winded, you’re getting completely carried away, now go back.’
[Colin and Frank are watching a game show to decide who’s smarter. Colin’s buzzer is a rubber duck, Frank’s is a whoopee cushion.]
What is a glockenspiel?
[Squeezes his rubber duck.] What somebody says when they’re trying to sell you a glocken.
What is the sum of the inside angles of a triangle?
[Squeezes his whoopee cushion.] Albert Einstein.
Who created Tom Sawyer?
Mr and Mrs Sawyer.
Ichthyology is the study of what?
Albert Einstein.
Name three prime numbers.
Albert Einstein.
What the hell are you doing?
Well, I haven’t got very much general knowledge, Col, so I thought I’d try using the law of averages.
What is the chemical symbol for sulphur?
[Both squeeze their buzzes, but neither answer. Col looks at Frank.]
Oh, I didn’t actually squeeze my buzzer then.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Adventures of Lano and Woodley pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
