I've got beard fear!
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
THTV host
Who created the formula e=mc2?
[Pause. He eventually squeezes the whoopee cushion.] Albert Einstein.
THTV host
[To the contestant.] Hugo?
HHugo
Albert Einstein.
THTV host
Correct! That’s it, Hugo...
[Frank looks shocked, Col looks outraged.]
It was Albert Einstein! And that’s the last question. And I’m the only one that got one right! So that means... that means, I won! I am the winner!
She may not have been my flesh and blood, but she was still my mum. She was there when I learnt how to walk, she was there when I learnt how to ride a bike... and when I got bullied at school by a kid who stole my lunch money and gave me a wedgie by pulling my undies up my bum, it was her who advised me to give up teaching.
[Frank is talking about how boring his mum is.]
I wish someone would take her out.
Right... and make it look like an accident...
No, I meant take her out to dinner.
That's it, tiger, walk to me!
Frank, the baby's a week old! Little baby Cris...to...pher can’t walk anywhere!
Well, that’s the sort of negative parenting that I've come to expect from you.
CColin (voiceover)
In the last episode of "The Adventures of Lano & Woodley", Col became an international jewel thief! And Frank became the sole survivor of a plane crash in the African Congo...
FFrank (voiceover)
Hang on! That's not what happened!
CColin (voiceover)
Yeah, I'm trying to confuse the audience, make them think "Hey, I don't remember seeing that!"
FFrank (voiceover)
Just tell them what happened!
CColin (voiceover)
All right, shall we do the intro first?
FFrank (voiceover)
Yeah, sure.
[Frank almost cuts Colin's towel to change the baby's diaper.]
Hey, what're you doing? That's my towel!
Eh? Oh, I didn't even realise. I just grabbed the first towel I saw.
[grabs Frank's towel] Well, why do we have to use my towel?
[swipes his towel from Colin] Well, why do we have to use my towel? [throws it onto the table with Colin's towel]
[chuckles] Look, this is ridiculous! This is so petty! Look, it doesn't worry me whose towel we use.
Well, it doesn't worry me either.
Okay, well if it doesn't worry you and if it doesn't worry me, we've just gotta use one of the towels. So let's just use, unhhh... [grabs Frank's towel] ...your towel.
[throws his towel back on the table] Col, don't start that again please. We haven't got time for that nonsense. We're in a hurry. Pass me...your towel.
[hands him Frank's towel, cheekily] Okay, there you go.
[realises it's his towel and places it back on the table] Hang on...
Okay! Fine, we'll use my towel. While we're arguing, the little baby is suffering in there with a dirty nappy! Why don't we just make a decision? We're using my towel. [grabs his towel and takes the scissors] It'll be better this way anyway. [prepares to cut]
Good. [stops Colin] Why would it be better this way?
Well my, uhh...my towel's more hygenic. It'll be cleaner.
I think my towel's cleaner.
[throws his towel on the table] Alright, we'll use your towel!
Well, you turned around rather quickly!
Okay, we'll use my towel!
Good. [to the baby] We're gonna use Col's towel!
[Colin takes Frank's towel and rips it in half.]
That was my towel.
Oh, was it? Oh, sorry. Well, it doesn't matter anyway.
Get rid of the ploppy pants!
I can feel it in my bodice!
Mrs Pickles, me and Colin are going to Hawaii for two weeks, could you please remember to feed our cat?
PMrs Pickles
Okay.
Thank you Mrs Pickles.
PMrs Pickles
Okay.
[Climbs down steps. Stops.] Oh. Mrs Pickles?
PMrs Pickles
Yes?
I just remembered something fairly important about our cat.
PMrs Pickles
Yes.
We haven’t got a cat.
PMrs Pickles
Okay.
[Climbs steps. Knocks on door.] Mrs Pickles?
PMrs Pickles
Yes?
Mrs Pickles, I just came up with a brilliant idea. While we’re away, buy us a cat and remember to feed that!
Captain Fargas! Captain Fargas! What the Fargas is going on?
We’re on the island.
Yes.
Your tie.
Yes.
What about your microphone? It’s not, is it?
Pointers for surviving in a tropical environment. Look it says here, um, beware of the following plants…
[Gasps.] The following plants? I’ve never heard of following plants! What do they do after they follow you? Do they grab you and devour you with their woody limbs?
No they do not!
Do they eat you into their timber teeth?
No they don’t!
How did you learn how to climb a coconut tree?
'Cause, once I was watching Getaway.
Getaway!
With Catriona Rowntree.
[Colin pretends to feel himself up.]
[Laughs.] We think we’re hilarious! Yes. And I saw the Fijians climbing them so I watched how to learn, I learned how to, I saw them! But there’s no coconuts.
What?
Must be the wrong season or something.
Bummer.
Maybe we can chew on these luscious palm fronds. Oh no, they taste all plasticy. You know what that tastes like?
What?
That tastes like the shade cloth you get at Bunnings. Lowest prices are just the beginning but unfortunately nutritional value isn't the ending.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Adventures of Lano and Woodley pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.