[Colin and Frank are watching a game show to decide who’s smarter. Colin’s buzzer is a rubber duck, Frank’s is a whoopee cushion.]
THTV host
What is a glockenspiel?
[Squeezes his rubber duck.] What somebody says when they’re trying to sell you a glocken.
THTV host
What is the sum of the inside angles of a triangle?
Frank[Squeezes his whoopee cushion.] Albert Einstein.
THTV host
Who created Tom Sawyer?
THTV host
Ichthyology is the study of what?
Frank
Albert Einstein.
THTV host
Name three prime numbers.
Frank
Albert Einstein.
What the hell are you doing?
Frank
Well, I haven’t got very much general knowledge, Col, so I thought I’d try using the law of averages.
THTV host
What is the chemical symbol for sulphur?
[Both squeeze their buzzes, but neither answer. Col looks at Frank.]
Frank
Oh, I didn’t actually squeeze my buzzer then.
THTV host
Who created the formula e=mc2?
Frank
[Pause. He eventually squeezes the whoopee cushion.] Albert Einstein.
THTV host
[To the contestant.] Hugo?
THTV host
Correct! That’s it, Hugo...
[Frank looks shocked, Col looks outraged.]
Frank
It was Albert Einstein! And that’s the last question. And I’m the only one that got one right! So that means... that means, I won! I am the winner!
[Frank is talking about how boring his mum is.]
Frank
I wish someone would take her out.
Right... and make it look like an accident...
Frank
No, I meant take her out to dinner.
Frank
That's it, tiger, walk to me!
Frank, the baby's a week old! Little baby Cris...to...pher can’t walk anywhere!
Frank
Well, that’s the sort of negative parenting that I've come to expect from you.
CColin (voiceover)
In the last episode of "The Adventures of Lano & Woodley", Col became an international jewel thief! And Frank became the sole survivor of a plane crash in the African Congo...
FFrank (voiceover)
Hang on! That's not what happened!
CColin (voiceover)
Yeah, I'm trying to confuse the audience, make them think "Hey, I don't remember seeing that!"
FFrank (voiceover)
Just tell them what happened!
CColin (voiceover)
All right, shall we do the intro first?
FFrank (voiceover)
Yeah, sure.
[Frank almost cuts Colin's towel to change the baby's diaper.]
Hey, what're you doing? That's my towel!
Frank
Eh? Oh, I didn't even realise. I just grabbed the first towel I saw.
[grabs Frank's towel] Well, why do we have to use my towel?
Frank
[swipes his towel from Colin] Well, why do we have to use my towel? [throws it onto the table with Colin's towel]
[chuckles] Look, this is ridiculous! This is so petty! Look, it doesn't worry me whose towel we use.
Frank
Well, it doesn't worry me either.
Okay, well if it doesn't worry you and if it doesn't worry me, we've just gotta use one of the towels. So let's just use, unhhh... [grabs Frank's towel] ...your towel.
Frank
[throws his towel back on the table] Col, don't start that again please. We haven't got time for that nonsense. We're in a hurry. Pass me...your towel.
[hands him Frank's towel, cheekily] Okay, there you go.
Frank
[realises it's his towel and places it back on the table] Hang on...
Okay! Fine, we'll use my towel. While we're arguing, the little baby is suffering in there with a dirty nappy! Why don't we just make a decision? We're using my towel. [grabs his towel and takes the scissors] It'll be better this way anyway. [prepares to cut]
Frank
Good. [stops Colin] Why would it be better this way?
Well my, uhh...my towel's more hygenic. It'll be cleaner.
Frank
I think my towel's cleaner.
[throws his towel on the table] Alright, we'll use your towel!
Frank
Well, you turned around rather quickly!
Okay, we'll use my towel!
Frank
Good. [to the baby] We're gonna use Col's towel!
[Colin takes Frank's towel and rips it in half.]
Frank
That was my towel.
Oh, was it? Oh, sorry. Well, it doesn't matter anyway.
Frank
Mrs Pickles, me and Colin are going to Hawaii for two weeks, could you please remember to feed our cat?
Frank
Thank you Mrs Pickles.
Frank
[Climbs down steps. Stops.] Oh. Mrs Pickles?
Frank
I just remembered something fairly important about our cat.
Frank
We haven’t got a cat.
Pointers for surviving in a tropical environment. Look it says here, um, beware of the following plants…
Frank
[Gasps.] The following plants? I’ve never heard of following plants! What do they do after they follow you? Do they grab you and devour you with their woody limbs?
Frank
Do they eat you into their timber teeth?
How did you learn how to climb a coconut tree?
Frank
'Cause, once I was watching Getaway.
Frank
With Catriona Rowntree.
[Colin pretends to feel himself up.]
Frank
[Laughs.] We think we’re hilarious! Yes. And I saw the Fijians climbing them so I watched how to learn, I learned how to, I saw them! But there’s no coconuts.
Frank
Must be the wrong season or something.
Frank
Maybe we can chew on these luscious palm fronds. Oh no, they taste all plasticy. You know what that tastes like?
Frank
That tastes like the shade cloth you get at Bunnings. Lowest prices are just the beginning but unfortunately nutritional value isn't the ending.
Frank
Don’t do anything stupid.
Frank
Like for example, if a fly lands on me check and walks across my top lip don’t go [sniffs loudly] and suck it up my nose. ‘Cause that would be stupid.
That would be stupid and dumb and wrong.
Frank
I did that once. It was stupid. [Goes to walk off stage but turns around.] No I really did do it. It was a weird moment. As it was walking across there I just couldn’t help but think, I reckon I could catch that! And I went [sniffs] and I caught, and I did! It was stupid.
Frank
Col, I’ve gotta be honest with you.
Frank
I’m a little bit uncomfortable about how much swearing there has been on the show.
Frank
In the show, there’s been too much swearing.
We’re on an island. We’re dying alright?
Frank
Yes but there, you know, we’re a very visual act. And so often, you know, sometimes kids come.
Frank
There might be kids here and you know what? We’re not setting a very good example with all the language. I don’t feel like, are there any kids here tonight? Any kids at all? Here you are. What about this little, what’s your name mate? James. How old are you James? James is nine. He’s nine. You’re a role model for him.
If I’m his role model, he should get out more. I swear. There’s plenty of other role models okay?
Frank
James, I just wanna make it very clear to you okay? That um, even though we’re swearing in our show, a little bit, we’re certainly not encouraging you to ever use the word fuck.
Frank
I need to make this clear. Don’t ever say fuck James. Don’t say fuck.
Frank
If you said fuck James, that would be very bad. But we can say fuck because we’re in a show. In shows you can say fuck. Once, James, once we were in this show called the chickens. And it went for eight months. It was like a festival show. And it went for eight months and in the whole show all we ever did was go ‘fuck, fuck, fuck,’ it was a great show! But it was a show. Can you see the difference? You know, in a show you can say fuck, but you should never. Like for example, if your mum ever says to you ‘come on James it’s time for bed.’ Don’t turn around and go ‘that’s fuck.’ Don’t. Because if you, if you said that James, if you said that, do you know what that would be? That would be fuck. And I can say that 'cause I’m in a show. And I’m sure your father agrees with me, at least I certainly hope he does because he’s, he’s quite a large muscular man!
The Adventures of Lano and Woodley · 72 quotes