School? I never went to school and look how I turned out.
Uncle Fester, looks, charm and personality aren't everything.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
Did I just hear a peal of thunder?
You did, Tish, you did.
Oh, that's the most heavenly sound... it makes life worth living.
Father, it was terrible. They killed him.
Mr. Hilliard?
The dragon.
What dragon? Who killed a dragon?
A knight in shining armor. He killed the dragon.
I can't believe anyone would kill a dragon.
The poor, defenseless dragon.
That isn't all. You ought to hear some of the other stories in her book.
Let me see that, darling. [Pugsley hands the book to Morticia and she reads the title] Grimm's Fairy Tales. What a lovely name, Grimm. How could he write such terrible stories?
Must be sick. Atavistic cruelty. Perverse barbarism. Such violence. [Speaks in foreign language]
Gomez!
That settles it. No more school.
Good thinking, sir.
What's closer in this world than a boy and his mother?
A boy and his octopus?
Darling, there's something I was hoping I didn't have to tell you. The other afternoon, I saw Pugsley playing with a bat.
A bat? Oh, well that's more like our boy.
A baseball bat. It's a game, played outdoors... in the sun.
Well, under the circumstances, I... I though I'd take a bride.
Uncle Fester, you just can't take a one, you're supposed to find your own.
It's the sporting way, old boy.
You'll be fighting the women off with clubs...
Clubs? [thinks a moment] Yes... I think I'd like that...
[ready to post his love letter] Do you think I ought to send a snapshot along?
I believe so. How about that nice one the city took?
The time you fell asleep on the park bench and they carried you off to the morgue by mistake.
Oh, these conventions! There're so exciting!
I remember the first time I voted, 1906.
Now, Mama, you know there was no women's suffrage in 1906.
That didn't stop me.
You're a real Addams.
That's our old friend from the school board - Sam L. Hilliard. I've changed horses in mid-stream. That's the Addams way!
Oh, of course.
The L stands for Lucifer.
Very appropriate for a politician.
[painting a portrait of Cousin Bleak] But there's something about the eyes, I just can't seem to get them.
That lid droops just a bit too much.
The right eye, or the left?
The middle one.
Remember how I carried you across the threshold that first time?
Not only across the threshold, but through the living room and up the stairs and into our room.
And I dropped you... only once.
How long have you owned the circus?
OWOscar Webber
Oh, I bought it three years ago, but this past season everything's gone wrong. The fat lady fell in love. Couldn't eat. Couldn't sleep. Lost two hundred and forty pounds.
That could be noticeable.
OWOscar Webber
Then Marvin the midget... He got himself on a vitamin kick. Little punk started growing again.
Oh, no.
OWOscar Webber
Yeah. I went along with it for awhile, but when he hit five feet eight, I had to fire him.
Five feet eight. Had you thought of billing him as the world's tallest midget?
I know the effect you have on the opposite sex.
Sometimes it frightens ME.
I live in constant fear that some woman will steal you away from me.
Banish the fear, mi querida. You are the only cactus in the garden of my life.
Nice knife. Can I play autopsy with it?
[Pugsley and Wednesday present themselves in their Halloween outfits - a business man and bespeckled girl in a party dress]
[pleased at the children's frightful costumes] They'll scare the wits out of people.
Yes. When you knock on neighbors' doors, you'd better say "Do not be alarmed, we are only little children."
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Addams Family pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.