Noblet... why are you crying? It's only a melon. Just a lonely melon... no other melons around, not a patch in sight. What's it doing out here? And why is it carrying a picnic basket with two of everything: two portobella mushroom sandwiches, two macaroons... Who would abandon a faceless melon? Can you imagine how that melon must've felt, Noblet? Can you imagine?
S2 E5Hit and Run
If one of my teachers loses his face, I lose face!
[excusing himself from Jellineck's bedside in the hospital] I've got to go see a student in the maternity ward.
[weeping wretchedly] Those lips! Oh, those pillowy lips!
Don't make me put my rings on!
Block the door with your budding femininity!
[to students visiting Jellineck] Do not cry out in terror if you gaze upon the grossly misshapen mass that was once his head. Act natural. No matter how strongly your monkey reflexes might kick in telling you to flee in terror. Now, I'll go see if he's ready. [Blackman goes into Jellineck's ward] Sweet Jesus, protect me!
S2 E6The Blank Page
All right, anyone who doesn't not want to avoid passing the midterm exam, raise your hand now. [Pause. Several hands go up hesitantly.] Okay. Those of you who raised your hands will fail, as you requested.
Maybe it's time to stop not doing what you pretended you can do and can't, and start doing the thing that you can't do, but can no longer pretend that you can.
I'm an obtuse man, so I'll try to be oblique. Your illiteracy has made me the whipping boy of this school district. I attended the school board meeting this morning, and they all had their little laugh. It was a feeding frenzy of cackling hyenas, and I was the wildebeest carcass.
S2 E7To Love, Honor and Pretend
[to her pretend husband] You don't wanna beat me or screw me!? What kind of marriage is this? Bring a book.
GODDAMMIT! You're picking at my brain like a jackal!
What's it like being a whore? Wait a minute, I know that one.
S2 E8The Blank Stare: Part 1
Hello, ladies, what are you doing?
PGPopular girl
We were just wondering why you'd come talk to us.
I want to know what plans you have for Fri-Sat-Sund.
PGPopular girl
Well, first we're going to avoid you. Then after that we thought we'd shun you and then we're going to a party. Hey! Why don't you not come with us!
Oh Jerri, I didn't know you were coming home this early. We would've left sooner.
Where are we going?
Well, if by "we" you mean Derrick and I, the answer is a family getaway to Good Time Island!
[excited] Good Time Island?!
Oh, did I remember not to tell you?
DDerrick
Check it out, troll--An all-access pass with full release!
I'll go pack my things!
Oh, I'm sorry, Jerri, you know the car only has room for four and we already have two. Oh and if you get hungry later, um, eat something.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Strangers with Candy pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.