PJPete the Jakey
By the way, your mission, should you choose to accept it, sniff my manky ring!
I think I'll pass on that mission.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
Oh look who it is, Batman and Robin!
We'll accept that, as long as you go as Catwoman, ya pussy!
Jack and me are going back to school.
Its Jack and I.
No, its me and Victor.
I'm no' gonnae tell yous again. Keep it doon.
What's the matter with you?!
You're annoying my customers.
Ah, shut up. We're your bloody customers and all!
You're no' customers. Customers buy drink. Yous have been sitting there nursing them since yous came in here.
Cannae play cards steamin', Boaby, must remain focused.
Oh, I'll focus you. Right oot the door.
Ah, now, Boaby, that's garbage patter. "Focus you oot the door"? You cannae just take a word, right, and slip it into a sentence and pass it off as excellent patter. You see, you've gotta be clever with it. For instance...
I don't know, something like "I'll focus my boot on your arse!"
See, that's good.
Aye. [gives Boaby the middle finger] "Focus on that, you old duffer!"
That is cruder but still as effective.
EEric
"Away and take a flyin' focus to yourself."
AAll
Nah.
Doesnae work, that, Eric.
Look, I could lose my licence. You shouldnae be playing cairds in here.
Cards, Boaby, we're playing cards, no' 'cairds'. Cairds is what you play cards wi'.
Just... keep it doon.
PJPete the Jakey
Ladies and gentleman, Shug... and two polis.
[after Stevie the bookie takes his money] BASTARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[as Winston limps in] Oh dear, if it isnae Long John Silver!
If I was Long John Silver, you'd be first to walk the plank, you wank!
One more thing.. don't take ANY pish off them. I never do.
EEric
Hullo Boabby. You look like a prized wanker.
(posing as owner of The Clansman) I'll also be getting rid of ma stack o' hardcore porny books. I've read them all noo anyway, and I'm getting too auld for the chuggin'
BBobby
Ho-ho, it's the two Ronnies.
Oh the two Ronnies now? Well then, it's shut-up-ya-prick fae me...
...and shut-up-ya-prick fae him!
TTam
What're you doin' looking through the letterbox?
IIsa
What am I doin' looking through the letterbox?! Watching one old pal pumpin' the other! We aw know I'm a nosy bastard, but try to concentrate on the bigger picture! What are we gonna dae?
What are we goin' to dae? It's simple. We lure them into the shop, bludgeon them to death, cut aff their balls and hang them from the street lamps as a warning! That kind of filth will no be tolerated in Craiglang!
IIsa
Is that what they do in your country, Navid?
No, you nosy cow! We live and let live, and we certainly don't poke our bastard noses through other peoples' letterboxes!
EEric
Lager, Boabby!
Shut yer hole, ya dick!
( To Isa ) Braveheart! you look like Mel Gibson "They can take our lives, but they'll never take ma handbag!"
[as Jack, Victor and Winston enter] Oh look who it is, Huey, Dewey and Louie.
Who?
The Disney characters.
Oh right, aye. Well get us three pints, you goofy bastard!
(Navid talking about losing business to a rival shop) You've still got us
Aye, but let's face it. You're old. Decrepit. You'll be deid within six months. Then where will a be? Now, what can I get ye.
Two coffins, ya cheeky bastard!
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