Solar Opposites · Season 1
A mysterious wooden city that recently appeared out of nowhere tragically burned to the ground last week, in a fire experts are calling "inevitable".
I gotta be honest, I feel bad the wooden city is gone. They had a really good Arby's... to get fucked in.
Red Goobler? Wait a hot fucking second, I thought you killed the Red Goobler last year! After he hunted us in the Halloween store! R-Remember that whole thing?!
Yeah, I lied about killing him. He got away, and I kinda just thought maybe he'd disappear, like that eye that used to be on my back. [turns and lifts his shirt, revealing the eye]
Dammit, Terry! That eye is still there, and so is the Red Goobler.
Hey, what the fuck? Why's he so big? Last time we saw him, he was about the size of a softball, or, like, a fat baseball.
I don't know, Terry. He probably grows when I'm stressed out. Or maybe he eats a lot. Stop trying to poke holes!
Well, sorry for trying to be consistent!
Ooh, I didn't know you had a pocket dimension.
Pretty sweet, right?
Yeah, maybe if it wasn't pink...
YOU DON'T GET TO CHOOSE THE COLOUR!
Oh, this is it, we're done. Someone's gonna find out we're big cheaters and then they're gonna kill us, just like they did with Lance Armstrong.
He wasn't killed, they just took one nut.
Well, we don't have any nuts! What are they gonna take?!
I need your help moving fifteen to twenty rat women to a Red Goobler wedding, come on!
That's the most Solar Opposites thing I've ever heard.
Party's over, man. You took too long with the fish. I told you, just order Burger Lounge. Everyone at an orgy expects to be eating Burger Lounge. [to the camera] Burger Lounge: eat clean, fuck dirty.
[Yumyulack zaps a baby with an alien ray]
[to mother] Now your baby can read. You're welcome.
What? Why?
[zaps her too] Now you can read! Getting fulfilled!
I could already read, I'm a famous novelist!
[zaps her hat] Now your hat can read!
Stop that! What are you doing?!
[zaps her car] Your car can read!
This alien is educating my things!
Stop right there, you dirty alien! [Yumyulack zaps him] Oh God, I can read? What if I gain empathy?! What if I learn things that force me to re-evaluate my hardline conservative opinions?! OH MY GOD!
Ooh, my word of the day! Today's word is "dilatory", meaning "moving or proceeding at less than the normal speed". I'll use it in a sentence: I am dilatory all the time, because I'm kinda lazy and fսckin' stupid.
I guess we're in a "There can be only one" Highlander type situation.
Wait, I thought that show was about a hot nurse who goes back in time to get her ass eaten out!
No, that's Outlander!
Aisha, I need that magic potion.
The one we keep in Narnia? We promised we would never go back!
Remember when we all went and saw Ready Player One?
No. But I wipe my mind after seeing any movie where people don't steal the Declaration of Independence.
There was one scene in Ready Player One where that computer kid went inside The Shining.
Wait, they just put a better movie inside their movie?
Mutants?! There can't be mutants in a Christmas movie! These are completely shoehorned in - like that spider tank from the end of Wild Wild West!
Since when did Jimmy Stewart have a gun in that movie?
Everyone used to carry a gun back then. Shirley Temple used to keep one up her hoo-ha! That's what the song "Lollipop" is about!
Duh - everyone knows that.
Aaaargh, I wish I'd never made us watch stupid Jingle All the Way! I should have picked a regular Christmas movie, like Die Hard or Gremlins or Piranha 3D!
Shut the fuck up, Terry. We'd be in the exact same situation. Those aren't Christmas movies!
They are too! Any movie that takes place on Christmas is a Christmas movie now! I guess Piranha 3D doesn't...
Dammit, how did the Pupa get his Harry Potter whistle again?! Terry, I thought you locked it up in the childproof cabinets where we keep the poison darts!
I did, I did, I put it behind the poison darts!
That song is so annoying! Stop it, Pupa!
You didn't do anything for the Christmas stuff with this, Pupa, you're bad!
How does he keep getting that thing?! Is he, like, out getting help?! Who would do that?! He can't even complete a full sentence!
[stops playing the whistle after Terry, Korvo, Jesse, and Yumyulack leave the room] Merry Christmas, everyone!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Solar Opposites pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
