Jesse quotes from Solar Opposites

Jesse

Oof. Smells like all 101 Dalmatians took a shit in here! [answers her phone] Whoa, Disney Standards and Practices are already calling me? To voicemail you go.

Terry

Why are you dissecting your classmate?

Yumyulack

Despite having been examined by countless scientists over hundreds of years, the human brain is still a mystery.

Jesse

Plus, she was mean to us at school!

Everyone is mean to them! I didn't invent it!

What the fuck?!

Yumyulack

Hey, guys, if you think that's punk rock, wait till you hear my sister's song!

Jesse

[singing nervously] "Interraciaaaaal love, friendship--" Ow!

Jesse

Look, I do think humans are generally nice, but to prove that point to you today, I installed microchips in all of your enemies' heads that made them nice when I clicked this button! But I didn't know about these neo‐Nazis, so it's not gonna work and I think we're gonna die!

Yumyulack

Ah, I told you some people are bad!

Jesse

[sobbing] You're right, some people are really, really bad! This is just like the movie Green Room!

Jesse

I like humans, but I hate shoes. Like, how are we supposed to taste the ground?

Yumyulack

I don't know. They don't flavour their ground either.

Jesse

Pfft! Weird, right?

Yumyulack

My plan is to slip into the seat, do nothing, and then it will become normal that I'm there.

Jesse

Worked for Hulu.

The only way to stop this infection is to inject the serum under their skin. But we can't let them bite us or we'll turn crazy too, which is why we have to use these emergency medical weapons.

Yumyulack

[toying with an spear] We get to cut people up?

It doesn't hurt them. The cuts all heal themselves because of the sci‐fi goo the blades emit.

Yumyulack

Lame.

Jesse

But wouldn't it be safer to use, like, a dart or something?

Terry

You wanna use a dart? Okay, yeah. Go ahead, use a dart. This is way cooler than a dart.

Let's go stab some kids and save some lives!

Yumyulack, out of 180 days of school this year, you've been late 179 times!

And Jesse, you've been late three times!

Jesse

I'm a monster!

Yumyulack

It's true, she is.

If either of you are ever late or miss class ever again, then you will be expelled! Which means you'll have to go to military school - where the bullies will fuck you!

And they make you shave your head.

Yumyulack

But my hair defines me!

Then don't! Fuck! Up!

Jesse

I bet you didn't know Shakespeare was the original rapper.

Yumyulack

Oh, did Shakespeare live on Sedgwick Avenue with DJ Kool Herc in the Bronx, five years before the Son of Sam?

Jesse

Yeah, sure. That's why Shakespeare's writing is like rap. Plus he made a bunch of money and sampled other playwrights without giving them any credit.

Yumyulack

This makes me like Shakespeare!

Jesse

Of course it does! My tough‐yet‐relatable teaching style is breaking through your emotional armour.

Yumyulack

And how!

Terry

Ha! I knew it! None of that stuff happened! [Pupa brings his Harry Potter Whistle to the Opposites] What the! [the Pupa arrives with a woodwind thing] How does the Pupa keep getting that Harry Potter Whistle? I thought we locked it up…

How does he keep getting that thing?

Terry

Don’t everybody look at me…

You obviously gave it to him.

Terry

I did not!

Damnit, Terry, you’ve gotta stop raising false alarms about the Pupa! Your’re making me Goobler! I’m- I’m- Gooblering!

Terry

Uh, okay! Alright… [the Pupa changes color]

Yumyulack

Wierd, he’s never done that before…

Jesse

Pupa, stop that! Do you think we should tell Terry and Korvo?

Yumyulack

Ugh, they’re already wound up.

Jesse

But if he evolves, and kills all of us?

Yumyulack

Yeah, right like that’ll never happen [leaves with Jesse, zooms to the Pupa]

[deep voice] See you next season, everyone…

We were about to start our hourly prayers. Care to join?

Jesse

Eh, we only pray on Easter or when we think we're about to die. And even then, we don't really mean it.

Terry

Can you believe those weirdo British aliens pray every hour? Next time, let's just ignore the distress signal. Bunch of Jar Jar Dinks. "Mesa gonna hide from Terrans!"

Those Shlorpians were exactly the way we're supposed to be.

Terry

Sneaking out at night to dumpster dive for trash food? "Mesa gonna eat trash!"

Jesse

They're basic. We're extra, they're basic.

They were not!

Terry

I'm honestly surprised they didn't have a flying saucer. They were like a bunch of ALFs: Alone Loser Fucks.

We've been watching you.

Yumyulack

Who's been watching me, Idris Elba?

The Big Dick Energy Council. We are a secret and mystic fraternity. Too complicated to explain, mate.

Yumyulack

Oh, let me guess - it's, like, a bunch of people with big dicks?

Yeah, that's pretty much it. You have to understand. For centuries, our Council has been tasked with keeping a delicate balance of energy in the world. But your new BDE is buggering it all up!

Jesse

[awestruck] "Buggering" means fucking in British!

Yumyulack

I know what "buggering" means!

I came to offer you a spot on the Council. Christian Bale stepped down after he lost all that penis weight for a movie. You could be one of the greats, but only we can show you how to harness your power for good!

Yumyulack

My answer... IS NO! I don't need you or your stupid Council!

BDE is a power stronger than any man! And if you're not careful, it will consume you!

Yumyulack

Are you threatening me, Idris Elba?

Just keepin' it real, mate.

Yumyulack

Well, why don't you keep this real, "mate"? I'm gonna make a dick so big that you and your stupid Council will be begging me to suck it!

Yumyulack

Like a screaming competition!

Jesse

Go! [they leave as they scream]

Yumyulack

Ooh, camp sounds amazing! I'm excited to use my bounty hunting skills to hunt down and torture those who have captured the flag!

Jesse

And I'm excited for a sexual awakening! I heard last year, Julia Holland went to camp a girl and came back a woman - but then it turned out it actually was a woman and they never found Julia's body. Crazy, huh?

Terry

Well, I'm excited to perform something from Angels in America on talent night. I took out all the gay stuff and doubled the angels!

Jesse

Ooh, I didn't know you had a pocket dimension.

Yumyulack

Pretty sweet, right?

Jesse

Yeah, maybe if it wasn't pink...

Yumyulack

YOU DON'T GET TO CHOOSE THE COLOUR!