You don't know a fucking thing about me, you sanctimonious cunt. But since we're playing the guessing game, let's make a few assumptions. A divorced, lonely, middle-aged lecturer who lives alone and gets his rocks off--
PProfessor
You are really fucking blowing this...
--who gets his fucking rocks off trying to sleep with fucking first years. Other hobbies include intimidation and furtive masturbation. I bet you thought you'd died and gone to heaven when you got here, didn't you? Your own office, and all the students you could eat?
Animus... It means spirit, courage, passion, wrath. This is mine.
PProfessor
Who the fucking hell do you think you are?
I'm a bad dream, mate. I'm you before you shrivelled and died. And I don't wanna go where you've been. So in answer to your earlier question, you should've given me a place here. I'd have been the best student you'd ever had.
DDoorman
What do you think?
[flicking through a book manuscript] Oh yes, excellent. But... [pauses while the doorman admits two girls into the nightclub]
The character arcs are immaculately achieved with a good degree of stylistic control. I especially like the doorman with superpowers; vaporising Reeboks? Very nice. [the doorman laughs] But you need to move the climatic development back, so the orgy scene comes before the disembowelling of the Elvic horde. See?
[The doorman takes back the manuscript and flicks through it. He pauses for a second, then has an epiphany]
DDoorman
That's it! You've solved it! Oh, have a good one mate. [gives Tony a lollipop and admits him into the nightclub]
[About Sid's drawing] "Loser" isn't an emotion.
It is to me. You think it's shit, don't you?
I used four biros. And I bought them. [takes them out] Four. You owe me 79 pence.
[Effy gets up and starts to undress]
Whoa, whoa, whoa, Effy, what're you doing?
[undressing] I'm going out. You've got 24 hours, Sid, to produce something that doesn't look like coursework for GCSE spaz. [crosses over to her cupboard and takes out a pallet, paint and brush] Dip your brush in that, and don't even think of leaving this room until you've done it. [sits down on the bed in her underwear]
Listen, I don't think this is working out, yeah? Right, shall we just leave it, okay? I quit.
[Effy begins bouncing on her bed and making groaning noises]
[realising what she's doing] All right. All right! I'm doing it.
[Sid begins painting, while Effy puts her dress on]
[acidly] What do you want, Sid?
I want you to stop what you're doing, okay? You know: fucking around, fucking anything that moves. Just stop it!
I don't care, I don't care! You're cruel! I hate you!
I hate you right back. Why don't you pop over to Michelle's and give her one? [mock surprise] Oh, another one!
[annoyed] Just give it a fucking rest, okay? You know, it's you and me. You know that, and you're being stupid!
You went away! Why did you go away? You know, I needed you, and you pissed off! My dad said... he said you're special, but you're not! You're just slutting around like a spoilt kid!
[singsong] Michelle, Sid, Michelle!
I don't love Michelle! I never loved Michelle, I love you, but you—[sits down, and starts to cry] God, where were you? My dad fucking died. [Cassie's guilt begins to show] I needed you. I mean, Michelle?... We had great sex for three days and guilty sex for the rest. So what? I don't care! I did it. I hate you. [gets up to leave] Fine, fuck fifteen year olds. Whatever. I'm sick of saying sorry. I love you. You say sorry.
[Realising he's talking about Effy's friend, Jake] I didn't fuck him, Sid. His mum had sewn his name into his trousers, and, well, he got a bit excited. And he squashed my slug. My slug called Sidley. So I threw him out.
[Sid and Cassie kiss]
[Chris walks in] Look, if he's still bothering you, Cass,- [seeing them kiss] Oh... okay. Smokin'!
[Effy is talking to her art teacher, Madame de Luca, about her GCSE coursework.]
[Referring to her efforts in getting Tony and Michelle, and Sid and Cassie back together] It's finished.
MDMadame de Luca
Oh? Splendid. And what emotion have you depicted?
Anger. Jealousy. Bitterness. Tiredness. Hope. Lust. Love.
MDMadame de Luca
A veritable feast. So, where is it?
MDMadame de Luca
My dear girl, I'm not sure I understand.
It's conceptual. You just can't see it.
MDMadame de Luca
You're saying you haven't done it.
No. I'm saying you can't see it.
MDMadame de Luca
Well, I'm not quite sure that's going to work for the Anglo–Welsh GCSE board now, is it?
No. I guess they'll just have to expel me. [grins mischievously] Goodbye, Madame de Luca.
Okay. What do you have to say to me?
Erm... I'm sorry I'm such a tit?
My life never made any sense to me until I met you?
Um... I never really loved Michelle, and it was a terrible mistake. And I must have misheard her when she said that I was the best lay ever, and she really really wasn't that great in bed?
[what she wants dawns on him] Good luck in your exam.
Is it possible to truly enjoy power?
LLawes
I'm not supposed to help you with your exam.
I stopped eating, and then everyone had to do what I said. That was powerful.
LLawes
And did you enjoy that?
I think it was the happiest time of my life. But I had to stop before I died, because... otherwise it wasn't fun.... You wouldn't understand.
LLawes
You're wrong, Cassie.
Did you cut yourself, too?
LLawes
People will do anything to-- People will do anything to work out why they feel bad, won't they?
And did you? Work it out?
LLawes
Like I said, I'm not supposed to help you with your exam.
How to stop bad things happening.
LLawes
Doesn't work, does it? That's why you have to start eating again.
LLawes
Ah, love. Why cut yourself when you can be in love?
You think passing an exam will make me happy?
LLawes
Cassie, passing exams generally only makes life more complicated, but there's lots of other stuff that makes things bearable, and you don't even have to use a knife.
[Sid is angered that he has not been invited to Chris' funeral by Chris' father. He goes to Tony's to vent out his frustrations.]
Are you sure? If we talked to him--
Chris is our friend! You know it's our funeral.
[calmly] Don't take it so personally; he's just throwing his weight around.
