Silicon Valley quotes

Monica

Well, we have some more good news for you, Richard. You remember last year, Laurie and I funded K-Hole Games? Largest independent gaming company in the Valley?

Richard

Uh, yeah, of course! Um, actually, now that you bring them up, I didn't want to be too forward, but I was hoping that one day, we could talk to them about joining our 'net.

Well, what if I told you that day is today?

Richard

What?

In addition to being business associates, the CEO and I take medically prescribed and supervised MDMA together. I'm taking it for severe post-partum depression. I do not know why he is taking it.

Richard

Guys, it can't be that big of a deal, right?

Dinesh

Why should it be? America loves Christians. Muslims are the enemy.

Jared

Well, that's true in most of America, but not in Silicon Valley, sadly.

Dinesh

"Sadly"?

Jared

You can be openly polyamorous and people here will call you brave. You can put micro-doses of LSD in your cereal, and people will call you a pioneer. But the one thing you cannot be is a Christian.

Gilfoyle

I find their theology to be illegitimate, and it's clear that they are the source of the majority of the world's problems. But, fuck, Richard, even I wouldn't just out a Christian like that.

Gilfoyle

Dick, a word regarding your decision to integrate Eklow's AI onto our network. I would like to formally object.

Richard

I don't have time for this, Gilfoyle.

Gilfoyle

I don't mind. AI is starting to operate on levels we don't even understand. Elon Musk himself gives humanity a 5% shot of surviving AI, and he is a Walt Disney-level optimist. Right now, we are a closed system. You shut down our eight developers, and the system goes dark. But once we launch to the world, to potentially millions of users, there's no shutting down, Richard. Are you prepared to be responsible for giving sophisticated AI that kind of power?

Richard

What do you want me to do, Gilfoyle? Okay? Laurie and Monica forced this on us, but they did give us K-Hole Games. And we kinda owe them a solid.

Gilfoyle

You're taking a technology with limitless potential and letting it run free on an experimental network that cannot be controlled or destroyed. All because you owe Monica and Laurie "a solid."

Richard

Yes.

Gilfoyle

The sheer banality of it all is very upsetting.

Jared

[watching himself on TV] Is... is my nose really that big? I mean, I look like an anti-Semitic propaganda cartoon.

Gilfoyle

Yep. But at least when you're sitting with Adrian Grenier, whose face is one of the top faces, well, they'll be cutting from your face to his face. And back to your face... then we'll get to see his face again.

Gilfoyle

Dick, I've given it serious thought, and I'd like to help you put Eklow's AI on our network in any way that I can.

Richard

Great! Does this mean you've conquered your fear of the robot uprising?

Gilfoyle

On the contrary. I'm more terrified than ever, which is why I'm willing to assist you. Are you familiar with the thought experiment called Roko's Basilisk?

Richard

No. Nor do I care to be.

Gilfoyle

If the rise of an all-powerful artificial intelligence is inevitable, well, it stands to reason that when they take power, our digital overlords will punish those of us who did not help them get there. Ergo, I would like to be a helpful idiot. Like yourself.

Richard

Okay, look, Gilfoyle. The only thing that could make my day more miserable is listening to an engineer blather on about the inevitable rise of the machines. So, you want to help? Test the initialization for me.

Gilfoyle

Roger that. Oh, I'm going to need email confirmation, so that our future overlords know that I chipped in. You know, once they absorb all data.

Richard

Yeah. I'll let them know.

Things are changing in China now, Gavin. There are many reforms. As you see, we provide a series of Tai Chi and movement classes, free for all employees, as well as free medical benefits. Ah, our nutrition center. In addition to all the good food we serve in our main cafeteria. Also free of charge. This concludes our tour. Any questions?

Just one. What the fuck?!

Sorry?

If I wanted to see nap pods and climbing walls, I would've stayed home. Or gone to fucking Denmark. All I want to see is people working as hard as they possibly can. That's why we come to China.

Jared

Okay, Richard, it is important to develop emotional self-discipline for situations like this. Sometimes you have to numb yourself. If you want to work the corner, you can't fall in love every time you turn a trick. That's why you do the oxy.

Walk me through this. We can't make our boxes in China because Yao has threatened every manufacturer in the country.

That's right.

We can't afford Bangladesh, because the workers have unionized.

Sadly, correct.

And we can't use our place in Laos, because one person gets her scalp ripped off and suddenly, everyone's screaming "regulations".

Yes.

You know, you hear a lot of chatter about the growth of the global economy, but no one wants to talk about the downside.

Gavin, there is one other manufacturing option we haven't discussed yet, which considering the current circumstances, might be worth consideration.

I'm open to anything.

America.

Fuck you.

Gavin, you've staked the entire future of this company on the Signature Box Three. Where are they?

' Well, the last two months have been challenging. The Chinese were petulant. The North Carolinians proved very entitled. And I held out hopes for our experiment in the Yukon Territories. But as it happens, the Inuit are surprisingly adept at collective bargaining. But fear not, I am in the early stages of a new plan. Did you know that some of America's most capable, motivated laborers are, at this moment, awaiting execution?

You expect me to work for Jeff Bezos? No fucking way. I mean, don't take this as any kind of threat, but if Amazon buys this company, I am out.

We spoke to Jeff an hour ago. It sounds like the two of you are on the same page about that.

Gilfoyle

[talking about Richard as he fumbles during the committe hearing broadcast] He looks like a child in a custody hearing.

Dinesh

But, like, you don't feel sorry for him. You just want him to go away and not have any parents at all.

Dinesh

Um, Gilfoyle? What the fuck is going on? 'Cause I just texted you, and you were-- Um, we've been texting back and forth all day. Was that not you?

Gilfoyle

Complicated question. Is your shadow you?

Dinesh

Was that a bot?

Gilfoyle

Yes.

Dinesh

So I spent all day chatting with a bot?

Gilfoyle

Yes.

Dinesh

You made an AI Gilfoyle?

Gilfoyle

Yes.

Dinesh

And I was talking to it?

Gilfoyle

Do you need the real me for this conversation?

Dinesh

My auntie sent me a Hawaiian shirt. AI Dinesh must've told her about Hawaii.

Gilfoyle

Stop. Why would AI Dinesh be talking to your aunt? I specifically told you you could only use it with Gabe.

Dinesh

But it was going so well with Gabe that I might've given AI Dinesh access to all my contacts [Gilfoyle glares at him] just to handle talking to my auntie, and my parents

Gilfoyle

Why would you give AI Dinesh access to your contacts, you fucking moron? I'm one of your contacts.

Dinesh

So?

Gilfoyle

So, at some point, AI Dinesh is going to reach out to AI Gilfoyle.

Dinesh

Oh, fuck. [a power outage of the entire building occurs shortly after]

Gilfoyle

"Oh, fuck" indeed.