TV show quotes
You call this a relationship?
Well, it's tedious and the sex is dwindling, so from what I've heard, yes!
If you have something to say to me...
I have nothing to say to you. I am fresh out of things to say to you. All we ever do is talk, talk, talk. The talking in our relationship has replaced the fucking in our fucking relationship!
I promise, I won't become one of those mothers who can only talk about Diaper Genies.
Good!
[after Charlotte walks away] What the hell is a Diaper Genie?
I don't know. Someone you hire to change your kid's diaper?
How did this happen? How did they get the message that the ass is now on the menu?
I bet there's one loud-mouth guy who found some woman who loved it and told everybody, "Women love this!"
Who is this guy?
Who's the woman who loved it?
Don't knock it until you try it!
Bingo!
[voiceover] I got to thinking about relationships and partial lobotomies. Two seemingly different ideas that might just be perfect together—like chocolate and peanut butter.
Men. We have to run to Helga the Hot Waxer every other week, but them? How would they like it if we told them to shape their hedge, trim their trunk?
Plant their bulbs? I'm sorry, we are talking about gardening, aren't we?
I lost my orgasm.
In the cab?
What do you mean, "lost"?
I mean, I just spent the last two hours fucking with no finale.
It happens. Sometimes you just can't get there.
I can always get there.
Every time you have sex?
She's exaggerating. Please say you're exaggerating.
Well, I'll admit I have had to polish myself off once or twice, but yes! When I RSVP to a party, I make it my business to come.
Well, I'm not gonna find my orgasm in this town.
We are at a funeral!
She's expecting us. If we miss the orchid show, she'll be devastated.
Then I guess we'll just have to have sex at your mother's.
People having sex in Connecticut? There's a first time for everything.
What is it about the weekends now? I swear to God, every guy I've fucked since Memorial Day wants to know what I'm doing this weekend. They just don't get it. My weekends are for meeting new guys, so I don't have to keep fucking the old ones.
We're having Trey's sperm tested.
Is it not doing well in school?
Every time I look down at my nuts—correction, nut—I look all lopsided.
Women don't care! We care about... nice arms, great eyes, big dick. I have never once heard a woman say, "He had such a big, full scrotum!"
You're sleeping with Steve?
Slept. Once. Singular. It was a mercy fuck. I felt bad, he only had one ball.
Well, I guess that's all he needed.
Yeah, no kidding! Apparently the other one was purely ornamental. God, I'm such a fucking idiot! Why didn't I use a condom?
You didn't use a...
He only has one ball, and I have a lazy ovary. In what twisted world does that create a baby?
Yeah, I see your point.
It's like the Special Olympics of conception!
If it's so hard to get pregnant, how do you account for the number of crying children on planes?
[Miranda chuckles]
This is not a laughing matter.
Oh, I'm sorry. I thought this was brunch, not a fertility seminar.
You're getting engaged!
I threw up. I saw the ring and I threw up. That's not normal.
That's my reaction to marriage.
[on the phone with Carrie] I don't know why they call it morning sickness when it's all fucking day long. Unless it's M-O-U-R-N, as in "mourning the loss of your single life."
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