[George has been waiting to use the pay phone but when he reaches for it another woman grabs it first]
Excuse me, I-I was waiting here.
WWoman
Where? I didn’t see you.
I’ve been standing here the last 10 minutes.
[The woman begins to dial the number but George stops her]
Um, that’s not the point. The point is I was here first.
WWoman
Well if you were here first, you’d be holding the phone.
[George walks away but then turns back]
You know we’re living in a society! We’re supposed to act in a civilized way! [To Jerry and Elaine, referring to the woman who stole the phone] Does she care? Does anyone ever display the slightest sensitivity over the slightest problems of a fellow individual? No! No. A resounding no!
[The man who was on the phone earlier walks by]
MMan
[to George] Hey, sorry I took so long.
Oh that’s ok really, don’t worry.
So what happened with Tatiana?
I shouldn't even tell you this.
Well, after dinner last week, she invites me back to her apartment.
Well, it's this little place with this little bathroom. It's like right there, you know, it's not even down a little hall or off in an alcove. You understand? There's no... buffer zone. So, we start to fool around, and it's the first time, and it's early in the going. And I begin to perceive this impending...intestinal requirement, whose needs are going to surpass by great lengths anything in the sexual realm. So I know I'm gonna have to stop. And as this is happening I'm thinking, even if I can somehow manage to momentarily...extricate myself from the proceedings and relieve this unstoppable force, I know that that bathroom is not gonna provide me with the privacy that I know I'm going to need.
This could only happen to you.
So I finally stop and say, "Tatiana, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but I think it would be best if I left".
You said this to her after.
So I'm dressing and she's staring up at me, struggling to compute this unprecedented turn of events. I don't know what to say to reassure this woman, and worst of all, I don't have the time to say it. The only excuse she might possibly have accepted is if I told her I am in reality Batman, and I'm very sorry, I just saw the Bat-Signal.
I think the busboy's in trouble.
Did I get him in trouble? Because of what I said? I just told him what happened. He didn't do it on purpose! [The manager and the busboy are arguing, The busboy points in the direction of George.] He pointed at me. Why did he point at me?
I said I would never eat here again. But, I, I.. he had to know I was kidding.
[casually] I didn't say anything.
I never knew I could drive like that. I was going faster than I've ever gone before, and yet, it all seemed to be happening in slow motion. I was seeing three and four moves ahead, weaving in and out of lanes like an Olympic skier on a gold medal run. I knew I was challenging the very laws of physics. At Queens Boulevard, I took the shoulder. At Jewel Avenue, I used the median. I had it. I was there.. and then.. I hit the Van Wyck. They say no one's ever beaten the Van Wyck, but gentlemen, I tell you this - I came as close as anyone ever has. And if it hadn't been for that five-car-pile-up on Rockaway Boulevard, that numbskull would be on a plane for Seattle right now instead of looking for a parking space downstairs.
A man gave me... a massage.
So he... had his hands and, uh, he was...
He was... touching and rubbing.
And then I took my pants off.
He got about two inches from... there.
It may have moved, I don't know.
It moved! It was imperceptible but I felt it.
Maybe it just wanted to change positions? You know, shift to the other side.
No, no. It wasn't a shift, I've shifted, this was a move.
Okay, so what if it moved?
That's the sign! The test; if a man makes it move.
That's not the test. Contact is the test, if it moves as a result of contact.
You think it's contact? It has to be touched?
That's what a gym teacher once told me.
[George enters, his pants are ripped at the knee]
One of those kids called me a Mary.
I was jumping over a puddle and for some reason I went like this. [George stretches out his arms in a ballet motion] They called me a Mary. So I chased them, and I tripped and I fell.
Yeah, you know kids, they can be very perceptive.
Oh, you're being audited? What for?
Oh, I contributed money to a charity that turned out to be fraudulent. It's very...
Uh, a long, long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away.
I remember you donated to some volcano thing on our first date.
Oh, wait a minute. Don't tell me that that was ...
What did you think, that would impress me?
You got it all wrong. I was thinking only of the poor Krakatoans.
Like you make this donation for 50 bucks and I'd start tearing my clothes off?
Those brave Krakatoans East of Java, who sacrificed so much for so long.
Now you're being audited because of it. You see that's Karma.
On my block, a lot of people walk their dogs, and I always see them walking along with their little poop bags, which to me is just the lowest function of human life. If aliens are watching this through telescopes, they're gonna think the dogs are the leaders. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume was in charge?
Yes I called before. I got this notice in the mail.
LLibrarian
Oh, Tropic of Cancer, Henry Miller, Uh, this case has been turned over to our library investigation officer Mr. Bookman.
Bookman? The library investigator's name is actually Bookman?
That's amazing. That's like an ice cream man named "Cone."
BBookman
You took this book out in 1971.
Yes, and I returned it in 1971.
BBookman
Yeah, '71. That was my first year on the job. Bad year for libraries. Bad year for America. Hippies burning library cards, Abbie Hoffman telling everybody to steal books. I don't judge a man by the length of his hair or the kind of music he listens to. Rock was never my bag. But you put on a pair of shoes when you walk into the New York Public Library, fella...
Look, Mr. Bookman. I--I returned that book. I remember it very specifically.
BBookman
You're a comedian, you make people laugh.
BBookman
You think this is all a big joke, don't you?
BBookman
I saw you on TV once; I remembered your name--from my list. I looked it up. Sure enough, it checked out. You think because you're a celebrity that somehow the law doesn't apply to you, that you're above the law?
BBookman
Well, let me tell you something, funny boy. Y'know that little stamp, the one that says "New York Public Library"? Well that may not mean anything to you, but that means a lot to me. One whole hell of a lot. Sure, go ahead, laugh if you want to. I've seen your type before: Flashy, making the scene, flaunting convention. Yeah, I know what you're thinking. What's this guy making such a big stink about old library books? Well, let me give you a hint, junior. Maybe we can live without libraries, people like you and me. Maybe. Sure, we're too old to change the world, but what about that kid, sitting down, opening a book, right now, in a branch at the local library and finding drawings of pee-pees and wee-wees on the Cat in the Hat and The Five Chinese Brothers? Doesn't he deserve better? Look. If you think this is about overdue fines and missing books, you'd better think again. This is about that kid's right to read a book without getting his mind warped! Or maybe that turns you on, Seinfeld; maybe that's how y'get your kicks. You and your good-time buddies. Well I got a flash for ya, joy-boy: Party time is over. Y'got seven days, Seinfeld. That is one week!
I've had this condition since I was eleven! I've been in and out of hospitals my whole life. I have no control over it. Doctors have told me that when I feel it, the best thing to do is just release it. Otherwise, I could die.
SGSecurity Guard
Well you're still not allowed.
Do you hear what I'm saying to you?! I'm telling you that if I don't go, I could die. Die. Is it worth dying for?
SGSecurity Guard
That's up to you.
So you don't care if I die.
SGSecurity Guard
What I care about is the sanitary condition of the parking facility.
Oh I'm lying. Why would I do it unless I was in mortal danger? I know it's against the law.
SGSecurity Guard
I don't know.
Because I could get Uromysitisis poisoning and die. That's why!...Do you think I enjoy living like this?...the shame, the humiliation...You know I have been issued a public urination pass by the city because of my condition. Unfortunately my little brother ran out of the house with it this morning. Him and his friends are probably peeing all over the place.
