A character in Scorpion
Played by Ari Stidham
Scorpion · 241 quotes
5th most-quoted character in Scorpion: in 63 of its 241 quotes
Most scenes with: Toby Curtis (28), Walter O'Brien (27), Paige Dineen (23)
Sylvester DoddI know severe stress when I see it. Special Forces or not, the human body can only take so much.
Captain Decker, your file says you're 28, so you were 18 in 2005.
I guess so.
My mom likes songs from when she was a teenager. I'll send you one from 2005. By the time it's over, you'll be 3 minutes and 49 seconds closer to being saved.
Come on, Toby, this is hazelnut creamer!
And that's a table, and that's a chair. I'm pretty good at this game.
You wrote "hazelnut" in front of creamer again on the grocery list. I hate hazelnut!
People like flavored creamers.
Creamer is a flavor and you could have just written a different item under it.
You could just relax. Don't be such a creamer-screamer.
I'm not screaming, though I could very easily if you don't stop that nonsense you've been pulling.
Really?
Yes.
OK.
Absolutely.
OK, this has gotta end.
What does?
Sylvester DoddYou two fighting constantly lately.
She's right. You two argue like an old married couple.
He's intentionally antagonistic.
Actually, I'm half antagonistic, on my mother's side. But my father? One hundred percent oppositional.
Over the past weeks, your antics have gone from petty annoyance to overtly combative.
Objection. Inflammatory.
Overruled.
Objection. You can't make that call. You two are sweet on each other.
Objection!
OK, if we're gonna play kangaroo court: I have to go out of pocket to sweeten my java because all we normally have here is regular creamer.
That honey is from Kovelsky's, it's free.
Immaterial.
You know what? You both suck. Your bickering is making everyone miserable.
Sylvester DoddCopy that.
You're being sent to couple's therapy.
Awesome!
What? No.
I'm with jerkface.
Well, too bad. I manage this ball club.
...
You heard the judge.
Sylvester DoddI promised your mother I'd keep you safe.
[on comms] What was that? What are you doing that's unsafe?
I'm removing my comms, Mom. Sylvester can't see, so I can't have distractions while driving.
What?! Ralph? Sylvester!!
I'd take my comms out, too. She sounded mad.
Sylvester Dodd[removes ear mic] Oh God, I'm dead.
Are you sure he knows what he's doing?
Sylvester DoddAbsolutely. He's first in his class.
Where, elementary school?!
Sylvester DoddActually, Caltech. And elementary school.
I can't believe Walter bought us a cotton candy machine!
Yeah, I can't believe it either. But it just got delivered here?
I didn't know what was in the box, I just signed for it. Someone must have stolen your credit card number.
Sylvester DoddYou were mad at Walter, so you charged a bunch of expensive nonsense to the corporate card just to annoy him?
Your Super Fun Guy pinball machine arrives tomorrow.
Sylvester DoddSweet.
Oh my God.
Sylvester DoddI know. Long rap sheet for a juvenile.
No, I mean his student council photo. Are those parachute pants?
It's not the first time that the mentally enabled got hoodwinked for believing everyone's as straightforward as we are.
Sylvester DoddOstracized for being too smart. You know, it's Mensa all over again!
You've been discriminated against before for being a genius?
Sylvester DoddSort of. Picked on.
Treated different.
Shut out.
Sylvester DoddBut not discriminated against.
Uh...Who here has the law degree?
I hope that was rhetorical.
Are you ready for your presentation?
I am. But why'd you have to have Sylvester stay back and watch me?
Because he can do software support from the garage, and we won't be back 'til tomorrow, and he doesn't charge, and baby-sitters do. Why? You love Sylvester!
I do. But he's very...enthusiastic.
Sylvester Dodd[wearing a "GO RALPH!" T-shirt] Packed house! I am so excited for your presentation!
I can see.
I need proof. And the only way to prove Fort Knox isn't secure is to break in.
Crazy man says what now?
Chernobyl power plant. In terms of cost and casualties, worst nuclear accident in history. Now, only a fraction of the cesium in the reactor actually melted down.
Sylvester DoddDon't say we're going there, don't say we're going there...
...
Get your passports.
Sylvester DoddI wish I didn't even have a passport.
We won't have to go in there thanks to old RANDY here.
Randy?
Radiation And Nuclear Deployment Yeoman.
How 'bout VIRGIL? VIrtual Reality Gyroscopic Laborer?
Sylvester DoddHOWARD. Humanoid-Out-Wandering-About Radiation Device.
Heh heh heh, his name's Randy.
Where is Toby? I didn't see my car in the parking lot.
Sylvester DoddYou mean the company car?
About that. I missed the vote where my car became the company car.
Sylvester DoddWell, it was a landslide. Your vote wouldn't have mattered.
There's a GPS killswitch on the engine....I'll try and override it.
When you rented this truck, what did you do?
I said I had a rented truck. I never said I rented a truck. Someone with a credit card ending in 3939 rented it, technically.
Great the credit card company picked up the fraud and the rental place used the GPS to shut down the truck. Thanks, Mom! If millions of people die, it'll be your fault!
How could I know about GPS switches? I've been in prison for six years!
Prison?
Prison?
Sylvester DoddPrison?
Grandma's a jailbird.
That's your gated community in Arizona?!
Sylvester DoddHey Ralph, can you help me out with this motor?
I wouldn't be of much service. I'm a bit distracted today.
What's wrong, buddy?
Something at school.
Is it physics? Calculus? We can help.
Two girls asked me to the Valentine's Dance.
Sylvester DoddWe can't help.
I don't know who to pick. I don't wanna hurt anyone's feelings.
...
That's an easy solve. Take them both, alternate dancing with them every other song. Efficient.
I don't think they'll like that very much.
Sylvester DoddRalph, don't stress. The probability of either of these girls being the one is very low. Only 2 percent of childhood sweethearts wind up together.
Sweethearts? What are you guys chatting about?
Nothing. Sociology. Ride's here, gotta go.
Bye... What just happened here?
Here? Nothing.
Does Ralph have a sweetheart?
Sorry, can't answer. Bro code.
Sylvester DoddYeah. Bro code. [Paige twists his ear] Ahh! Ralph got asked to the Valentine's Dance by two different girls and he doesn't know what to do!
Why wouldn't he come to me with this problem?
Yeah, boys love to go to their moms with girl problems.
He trusts us to give sound advice.
About girls?! What's next, you guys gonna teach him how to play football?!
...
That football comment, that was sarcasm right?
No, she really thinks you should teach Ralph how to tackle.
I think that was more sarcasm.
OK, one of you get online and win your way into that tournament. [no one moves] What's the hold up?
We don't play chess.
Not anymore.
Why the hell not?!
Why are we looking at a coat hook?
That is not a coat hook; that is a coat rook. Wound up in this wall five years ago.
After a week-long chess tournament.
Sylvester DoddA tournament that went horribly wrong.
You threw a rook in the wall?
Wasn't me.
Nope.
Sylvester DoddIt was a three-way tie for points! I was about to engage a masterful attack: the bishop's gambit. But then Walter sneezed on my knight.
It was an accident.
Sylvester DoddJ'accuse! My knight was covered in your mucus. The one piece I needed just happened to be the one you doused with your filth.
One, I do not have the ability to aim my mucus. Two, you could have cleaned it off.
Sylvester DoddNot without touching it! I played half the game with a dead pony!
At checkmate, Sly whipped this rook at Walt's head.
Not a half-bad arm.
Sylvester DoddIt was unbecoming.
So we vowed never to play the game again for the sake of the team, and our friendship.
Toby CurtisEddie Kaye Thomas · 117 quotes
Walter O'BrienElyes Gabel · 106 quotes
Happy QuinnJadyn Wong · 71 quotes
Paige DineenKatharine McPhee · 69 quotes
Cabe GalloRobert Patrick · 48 quotes
Ralph DineenRiley B. Smith · 23 quotes
Ray SpiewackKevin Weisman · 6 quotes
Drew BakerBrendan Hines · 5 quotes
Megan O'BrienCamille Guaty · 4 quotes
Tim ArmstrongScott Porter · 3 quotes
Veronica DineenLea Thompson · 3 quotes
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Scorpion pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.