Saturday Night Live Season 1 quotes

[her phone messenge] Hello, this is Emily Litella. I'm not home right now. But I will call you back as soon as possible. Just leave your name, number, and what time you called, after you hear the sound of the jeep. [beep]

Jane Curtin

Today was the 102nd running of the Preakness, and our Update sports team was there, where we not only covered the race but also attached a microphone to the jockey of the race's winner, Seattle Slew.

[voiceover] Ouch..! Ouch..! Ow..! Oh, boy..! Hey.. hey.. aiiee..! Ow-ay.. ow..! Ow.. ow.!

[voiceover] It's okay, we'll be alright!

[voiceover] Okay. Oh..! Ow..! Ow..!

[voiceover] We're okay!

[voiceover] I know, my- ow!

[voiceover] Ohhh, I told you, Wilbur!

[voiceover] Ow, I wish I was wearing my jockey shorts-- aiieee! Ow..!

[voiceover] Oh boy, Wilbur! Oh..! Good boy!

Jane Curtin

A footnote to the race: the other favorite, Run Dusty Run, not noted for being a good loser, threw a tantrum and had to be dragged away kicking and screaming.

[Czech accent] We are... two wild and crazy guys!

Dan Aykroyd

During the Lance Hearings, Sen. Charles Percy has been inaccurately accused of tax fraud and embezzlement. Percy later apologized, saying that anyone can make a mistake. Well this story has JUST come in: In 1946, while in the navy, Percy has sex with a polar bear.

Jane Curtin

Uh, wait a minute, Dan. We just had a report that that story is inaccurate. But we do have this, uh, from one of our sources: In 1972, Percy personally ordered the assassination of baseball player Roberto Clemente.

Dan Aykroyd

Uh, this bulletin is JUST coming in, Jane: That last story is, in fact, inaccurate, but we DO have information that in 1957, Percy ordered the assassination of a polar bear while having SEX with Roberto Clemente. More on that story, uh, when we get some of the facts. [looks offscreen] Will someone check that out?

[voiceover] And now, Weekend Update with Chevy Chase!

[shocked] What?!

[voiceover] [apologetic] Sorry, old script.

[as he holds a lit cigarette] I logged a lot of miles training for that day and I downed a lot of donuts, Little Chocolate Donuts, they taste good, and they've got the sugar I need to get me going in the morning. That's why Little Chocolate Donuts have been on my training table since I was a kid.

[voiceover] The Little House on The Praire Burns To The Ground will not be seen tonight, so that NBC will air the following special program.

Jane Curtin

[angrily] Emily?! What are you doing here?! SCRAM!

Oh, go to hell, Miss Clayton.

Mr. Brighton? Did I sent you the letter?

I don't know.

Because I forgot to stamp it!

Your fly's open, Mr. Brighton.

[fuming] YES, I KNOW!

Dan Aykroyd

This just in, Garrett Morris is dead. A group of 8 youths has fatally shot the late Update correspondant at the kids' playground. Another paraquat-related death.

Jane Curtin

Hoping your news is good news. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.

Jane Curtin

Our top story tonight: The New York Yankees evened the World Series with two games apiece this afternoon, with a 4-3 victory over the Los Angeles Dodgers. [audience cheers and applauds] Though thrilled about today's victory, millionaire-owner George Steinbrenner, in what he said was a precautionary move to ensure another world championship, purchased the entire Los Angeles Dodgers team, and immediately enstated Billy Martin as the Dodgers' manager for the rest of the series.

Bill Murray

Punk rock star, Sid Vicious, was arraigned yesterday in the night of the killing of his girlfriend. Vicious' lawyer said that it may be difficult to get a fair trial for the ex-Sex Pistol, considering his name. So, during the proceedings, Sid will change his name from "Sid Vicious" to "Sidney, Not Such a Bad Guy Once You Get To Know Him."

Steve Martin

(enters with a clamp on his head) I do not feel well tonight. I woke up this morning with a splitting headache. It was though my heads was in a vice! I though it would go away, but it hasn't. I took some aspirin-it meant nothing. I decided to continue with the show, anyway. Pardon me. What? There's a clamp on my head? Aha! Those Saturday Night people! They didn't even TELL me! I went through makeup and everything and nobody said a WORD!

Jane Curtin

This past Thursday was the Great American Smoke Out, a day that everyone in America was encouraged to stop smoking cigarettes for a twenty-four hour period. Here to comment further is Update health correspondent, Roseanne Roseannadanna.

Thanks a lot, Jane! Thanks a lot! A Mr. Richard Feder from Fort Lee, New Jersey, writes in and says "Dear Rosanne Rosannadanna, Last Thursday, I quit smoking. Now, I'm depressed, I get wet, my face broke out, I'm nauseous, I'm constipated, my feet swell, my gums are bleeding, my sinuses are clogged, I got heartburn, I'm cranky, and I have gas. What should I do?" Mr. Feder you sound like a real attractive guy. You BELONG in New Jersey! But I know exactly what you're goin' through 'cause once, I, Roseanne Roseannadanna, quit smokin'. And to get back in shape, I had to join one of those fancy-shmancy health clubs. You know, the ones where it's real expensive to join, but it's worth it 'cause you get to see a lot o' people that you don't know naked! Like, some people got those bulgy-bulgy thighs, the ones that get chafed just 'cause they're always scrapin' against each other. And there's other people there that got these funny belly buttons. Like, some go in and some go out or it's like a hole or it curls around or it's like a little knob on it, like a door. Some of them got a little piece of their sweater still in it! Some of 'em look like a little star or a shell or a clam. Or some, you don't what they are! But personally, I, Roseanne Rosannadanna, don't like to walk around with no clothes in front of other people! Not that I don't got a great body. But why should I waste it on a bunch of fat ladies in a health club? Anyway, they got this sauna there, which is a little hot room where you go to sweat like a pig. So I go in there, but before I sit down, I put this clean towel on the bench 'cause there's a lot of people in there and you don't know where they been! So, listen to this. Who do you think is sitting next to me but Dr. Joyce Brothers! That very smart pixie lady who thinks she knows everything. But what this nude psychologist doesn't know is that she had this little teeny tiny ball o' sweat right here, hangin' off the tip of her nose! It was just hangin' there! It wouldn't fall off! Like, if she turned her head, it didn't fall off; if she stood up, it didn't fall off; she scratched, it didn't fall off; and when she picked a little piece of sweater out of her belly button, it didn't fall off! That little sweat ball just wouldn't fall off! So I yelled at her. I said, "Hey! Doctor! Flick that sweat ball off your nose! What are ya tryin' to do? Make me sick?!" She...

Jane Curtin

Roseanne!

What? What?

Jane Curtin

What do health clubs, sweat, and saunas have to do with cigarettes?

Well, Jane. It just goes to show ya. It's always somethin'. If it's not one thing, it's another! Either you smoke or you have a sweat ball hangin' off your nose! It's just like the song we used to sing on Thanksgiving when I was a little girl. Everybody would come over to my house lookin' all pretty and cute and everything. My mother would make a turkey with stuffing and for dessert we'd have the traditional Banana Rosannadanna cake. Before we ate, we'd bow our heads. Bow your head, Jane. Come on, bow your little head. Come on. Jane, bow your head. Bow your head now. [Jane bows her head] We'd bow our heads and we'd all sing.

I got a million slogans. "The New Dick!" It is nice? Short, sweet, and everyone wants to see.

It's short and sweet, but I don't think everyone will see it.