Oprah (Maya Rudolph): (to Darfur refugee) Let's talk about this, Olessi. Why do you think things are going badly?
Olessi Oneweeja (Kenan Thompson): Well, as you may or may not know, this region is four years into a brutal conflict which has claimed over 200,000 lives, the UN has refused to classify the conflict as a genocide, and while there is a current ceasefire, I don't think anyone thinks it's permanent.
Oprah and Rhonda Byrne (Amy Poehler): Very negative thinking, very negative.
RRhonda
Olessi, I know this is hard for you to hear, but your outlook is what's hurting you.
OOlessi
No, I think it's the Janjaweed.
OOprah
Olessi, did you get the copy of The Secret we sent?
OOprah
And? Did you read it?
OOlessi
Because I ate it.
OOprah
Well, digest every word.
DFDakota Fanning
When I hear the word 'hotel', it invokes images of Hotel Rwanda about the Rwandan Genocide.
DSDylan Sprouse
Dakota, you're scaring us!
Sarah Palin (Tina Fey): You know, Hillary and I don't agree on everythi...
Hillary Clinton (Amy Poehler): [cutting in] On anything! I believe that diplomacy should be the cornerstone of any foreign policy.
SPSarah Palin
And I can see Russia from my house!
HCHillary Clinton
I believe that global warming is caused by man.
SPSarah Palin
And I believe it's just God hugging us closer!
HCHillary Clinton
I don't agree with the Bush Doctrine.
SPSarah Palin
[laughs] I don't know what that is!
HCHillary Clinton
But, Sarah, one thing we can agree on is that sexism can never be allowed to permeate a American election.
SPSarah Palin
So, please, stop Photoshopping my head on sexy bikini pictures!
HCHillary Clinton
And stop saying I have cankles!
SPSarah Palin
Don't refer to me as a MILF!
HCHillary Clinton
Don't refer to me as a FLIRJ! I Googled what it stands for, and I do not like it!
MMadonna
What the hell is a discostick?
GLady Gaga
(singing) I think you know.
DDDJ Dynasty Handbag
I want you two to behave.
GLady Gaga
Hey guess what Madonna...I'm totally hotter than you.
MMadonna
Hey guess what (hits Lady Gaga's head) I'm totally taller than you. And what kinda of a name is Lady Gaga? It sounds like baby food.
GLady Gaga
The kind that's #1 on the Billboard charts. (attacks Madonna)
DDDJ Dynasty Handbag
I said behave beotches.
MMadonna
You better stop interrupting us
GLady Gaga
Yeah we're pop icons Respect (gives Madonna a high 5)
(Lady Gaga and Madonna start to fight again)
DDDJ Dynasty Handbag
I want you two to kiss and make up
MMadonna
You made my ring come off
DDDJ Dynasty Handbag
Kiss each other
(about to kiss then DJ Dynasty Handbag gets in between them.)
GLady Gaga
Born in New York, in Lenox Hill of ‘86
Cheered for the Yankees with my dad in Section 6
And after traveling, just dancing round the world
I still prefer a beer and whiskey with my friends on Rivington street
...
I miss every little thing about the city
Subway trains, the girls are pretty
Love the hot dogs on 72nd street
They’re tasty and they’re cheap
Was just a waitress on Cornelia
Now I’m living my dreams, baby!
Singing about my Poker Face
New York, It’s Saturday night!
This week you didn't need Cinemax to see someone get screwed on TV. So how did NBC let it come to this? Well, I think I can explain it. Let's say you're married and it's the #1 marriage in the country, but then you meet someone else who sweeps you off your feet, so you say to her, "I want to marry you, in five years," and she says, "Yes, I will wait five years to marry you." So then you go home and you tell your current wife, "Honey, in five years we're getting a divorce." Now you might think your current wife would be super cool with that and thank you for being honest, but it turns out she's actually super mad and as the five years pass she gets in really good shape. So when the time comes for the divorce, she's looking better than ever. She looks so good that you see other people looking at her and you get jealous, so you come up with an awesome plan: you'll still marry the second person, but you'll also stay married to the first. So you tell the new wife, "Good news! We're totally married, but every night when I get home I'm gonna spend a half hour with my first wife first, but then I'm all yours." And before you even see how she feels about it, you hold a big press conference and tell people you've changed the future of marriage. Now if you think the new wife is cool with this plan, she's not. She's super mad. And the first wife is also acting weird because, you know, you have two wives. But then, just when you think you're stuck, you come up with a perfect plan to solve all your problems: You kill your second wife.
ZZach
I really don't know what I'm doing here! I don't know what I'm talking aboot. Excuse me -- I've been in canada, opening up for Miles Davis...Kilometers Davis.
I like dark comedies. That's why I like the Wayans Brothers.
My girlfriend looks a little bit like Charlize Theron, and a lot like Dog the Bounty Hunter. She's writing a book about contemporary feminist theory. She let me read the manuscript and I got to say: It's pretty good for a girl.
I went to my school reunion not too long ago, and it was very weird...because I was home schooled. Just me there by a bowl of punch, listening to Kool and the Gang. Why I rented that limousine, I have no idea.
This woman said to me the other day, "Zach, I like your beard," and I said, "Look, I'm Greek. This isn't a beard. This is part of my eyebrow."
[To the band] Are you guys just gonna sit there? I thought we were gonna rehearse something. [The band joins him] There we go.
Sometimes I'll do something and I say to myself, "That is so Raven." And then, other times I'll do something and I'll be like, "That was not very Raven."
If you read my blog, you know I'm a pilates freak. And by pilates, I mean waffles.
I've been trying to quit drinking. The other day I drank a 12-pack of O'Doul's, and I went riding around in my car and I got pulled over by a cop. He's like, "Son, have you been drinking?" And I'm like, "Uh, sort of." he said, "What have you been drinking?" and I said "O'Doul's, nonalcoholic beer." And he wrote me a ticket for being a gaylord.
I was reading on CNN.com today, before the show. You know that kid who had sex with his high school teacher about a year ago? I read online today that that kid died, today. He died of high-fiving. He was in a high-fiving accident.
SPSarah Palin
Are You Smarter than a Half-Term Governor?
Where can tourists go if they're looking for a great time in New York City?
SStefon
If you're looking for a good time, look no further. New York's hottest club is Crease. Club promoter Trannie Oakley has gone all out, and inside it's just everything—lights, psychos, Furbys, screaming babies in Mozart wigs, sunburned drifters with soap-sud beards...
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, what?
SStefon
You know, it's that thing where a hobo becomes a rich man, so they take the big bubble bath.
I...think I know what you mean. But now Stefon, if people, like if a family of normal people were looking to see some of the classic New York sights, you know, like Central Park or places like that, Statue of Liberty, would you have any recommendations?
SStefon
Yes. New York's hottest club is Wesh. Nine-year-old pimp Ichi Yakaguru is back with an all-new hot-spot that answers the question: "What?" This place has everything—trants, stilts, throw-up music, an albino that looks like Susan Powter, Teddy Graham people...
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, could I stop you for a second? What are Teddy Graham people?
SStefon
It's that think of like, when a guy has the stumpy arms but with the belly.
Yeah, that's definitely not a thing. You're doing great, Stefon, but again, if we were talking about just regular, run-of-the-mill people, maybe from the Midwest, who were just looking to do something with their kids or their grandparents, if they were coming here, could you recommend someplace that would be fun for them?
SStefon
New York's hottest club is Twice. Don't be thrown off when you're greeted at the door by a rabbi that looks like Joaquin Phoenix. you're at the right place. Club owner Robert Blake has thought of everything—goths, carnival barkers, groups of guys with Afros in graduation caps, human fire hydrants...
What is a human fire hydrant?
SStefon
You know, it's that thing of when high-waisted midgets have, like...[trying not to laugh] I know, I'm doing great. It's that thing when high-waisted midgets have, like, the red pants and the big ass.
Oh right, that thing. Look, Stefon, we asked you to come here and tell us about the fun touristy things, we were pretty clear on the phone. Places people, regular people could go on a spring weekend.
But I have to say the things you described sound like visions a dying gay man might have if he was under too many blankets.
But you know what, Stefon? Your heart was in the right place, and I really enjoyed having you here.
So, Stefon, right off the bat, it's great to see you. What did you do this summer?
So, Stefon, if someone is coming—relax, buddy, you're gonna do great. If someone is coming to the city this fall and wants to have the full New York experience—you know, do some fun stuff—where should they go?
SStefon
If you're looking for an experience, look no further. New York's hottest club is Trash. As you step through the stainless steel doors of this meat-packing hot spot, you'll be greeted by none other than Pierre the Muslim Elvis impersonator. This club has everything—clones, freaks, sneezing, a Russian man on a prepaid cell phone, and anyone can get in. There's no password. At the door, just do the Cosby face.
SStefon
Yeah, uh...[Flashes his fingers in front of his face and pokes through wide-eyed]
Well, that is nice of them to make it so easy for folks to get in. But Stefon, what about someone who...let's say they're coming to New York for the first time, and they wanna have one of those classic New York nights.
SStefon
Yes, yes, I'm with you.
SStefon
Seth, New York's hottest club is Gush. Club owner Gay Dunaway has built a fantasy word...world that answers the question: "Now?". This place has everything—geeks, sherpas, a Jamaican nurse wearing a shower cap, room after room of broken mirrors, and look over there in the corner. Is that Mick Jagger? No, it's a fat kid on a Slip 'n Slide. His knees look like biscuits...[Briefly breaks into laughter and covers his face] ...and he's ready to party.
SStefon
[fighting through laughter] No, it wasn't Mick Jagger, it was a fat kid with biscuit knees.
Just wanted to double-check. Stefon, now the reason I wrote you and asked you to come back here...
I wrote you a letter 'cause that's the only way you'll communicate. I wrote you the letter and I asked you to come back here because New York is really making a push...tourism push for normal American families.
They are, yes. Yes, so if you could just take a minute, and you don't have to do it now, but if you could take a minute and think of just some fun wholesome places, not for people like you, but for visitors—American visitors from normal middle America, we would really appreciate it. So just don't talk until you're sure you have it.
SStefon
I got it already. New York's hottest club is Push! This club has everything—ghosts, banjos, Carl Paladino, a stuck-up kitten who won't sign autographs, Furkels...
SStefon
And after you've been with one of those guys, you'll ask yourself, "Did I do that?"
Stefon, if I were you, I'd be asking myself that all the time. Stefon, not to belabor the point, but we were looking for fun activities a mom, a dad, a grandma, a grandpa, and some kids could enjoy. You instead took us on a tour of a coked-up gay Candyland.
SStefon
That's accurate, that's accurate.
But I think we'll have you back.
MMiley
There's a photo of me being kissed by a dude
And Annie Leibovitz tried to get me nude
For those of you who think that's very crude
I’m sorry that I'm not perfect!
I never stole a necklace or got a DUI.
Never cheated on my wife like that golfer guy
So what, you could see a little boob from the side?
I'm sorry that I'm not perfect!
And sure, I danced on a pole, and people called it sinning
But at least I didn't date a porn star and tell everyone I'm "winning."
KWKristen Wiig
Didn't make a dirty tape and pass it along.
BMBobby Moynihan
Didn't text a photo of your dong.
MMiley
Don't both of these things seem worse than a bong?
I'm sorry
KWKristen Wiig and Bobby Moynihan
She's sorry
KWKristen Wiig and Bobby Moynihan
So sorry
MMiley
Really sorry that I'm not...
MCMiley Cyrus, Kristen Wiig and Bobby Moynihan
Perfect!
Donald Trump, who claims to be testing the waters for a presidential bid, sparked controversy this week by demanding to see Barack Obama's birth certificate. Look, if Donald Trump wants to talk about Barack Obama's birth certificate, what do I care? Though if he loves America so much, why does he keep outsourcing the job of his wife? What bothers me is that he's getting so much attention for this fake presidential run. I know Trump thinks any publicity is good publicity, the same way he apparently thinks any hair is good hair. But why are the rest of us talking about this like he really might be President? If saying you were going to do something counted, my dad would be on the cover of Finished Basement Magazine.
I think the problem is that with this GOP field, Trump actually seems like a viable candidate, and conversely, all the candidates remind me of contestants on Celebrity Apprentice. Look, Newt Gingrich, you're a trusted conservative, you're a religious man, you brought divorce papers to your wife when she was in the hospital for cancer. [Singing] Two out of three ain't bad, that makes you Meat Loaf, and you're fired.
Mitt Romney, you basically created Obamacare in Massachusetts, and now you're running against it, so you're attacking the exact same thing you used to get ahead. You're Jose Canseco, and you're fired.
Rick Santorum, this week you said that the reason Social Security is insolvent is that America has aborted 1/3 of its children. Everything out of your mouth makes me say, "WHAT?!" You're Lil Jon, and you're fired.
Herman Cain, I don't know a single thing about you. You're John Rich, and you're fired.
Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann, sexy from a distance, crazy up close. Lisa Rinna and NeNe Leakes, you're fired, you're fired.
And finally, Donald Trump, you're bossy, you're entitled, you probably still listen to Burt Bacharach. You're Dionne Warwick, and you're fired.
