BRBurt Reynolds
Hey. Hey, uh, check out the podium. Look at this.
Mr. Reynolds has apparently changed his name to 'Turd Ferguson'.
BRBurt Reynolds
Yeah, that's right. Turd Ferguson's a funny name.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
I gotta have more cowbell!
Gentlemen, I put my pants on like you: one leg at a time. Except, once my pants are on I make gold records.
Guess what? I got a fever! And the only prescription is more cowbell!
Keanu Reeves (Tobey Maguire): I know kung fu!
For the last time, no you don't.
Let's just go with Foreign Flicks for $800.
[buzzing in] Ursula Andress.
What?
Ursula Andress, Catherine Deneuve, and Charo, twice.
That's Foreign Flicks, Mr. Connery.
Jim Lehrer (Chris Parnell): Well, that brings us to the close of tonight's debate. Each candidate will now give a brief closing statement.
Al Gore (Darrell Hammond): Jim, may I make two closing statements?
JLJim Lehrer
I'm afraid not. In fact, we are almost out of time, so I will instead ask each candidate to sum up, in a single word, the best argument for his candidacy. Governor Bush?
George W. Bush (Will Ferrell): Strategery.
JLJim Lehrer
Vice-President Gore.
AGAl Gore
Lock-box.
TMTracy Morgan
Live from New York, it's Jennifer Lopez's booty!
TFTina Fey
According to a report released Tuesday, female inmates in the United States have been victims of sexual misconduct by corrections employees in every state, except Minnesota. So ladies, if you wanna rob a bank, but you don’t want your cooter poked, head to beautiful Minnesota, land of 10,000 lakes.
CDCentaur Doctor
Are we going to ask any questions about my medical background?
IDInterviewing Doctor
The rest of the interview will be centaur questions.
IDInterviewing Doctor
Is there centaur pornography?
CDCentaur Doctor
Yes, there is centaur porn.
IDInterviewing Doctor
If I were to watch centaur porn, but with a piece of cardboard covering the horse parts, would I find the female actresses attractive?
CDCentaur Doctor
Maybe, but you gotta remember: sooner or later, there's gonna be a horse penis in there.
Can we be funny?
MRMayor Rudy Giuliani
Why start now?
(in a message to Osama bin Ladin) If you really wanted to win against me at something, you should have challenged me to a game of Scrabble. Or perhaps a beard-off, for you see, I don't have a beard. And when I do, it comes in all patchy.
Don't mess with Texas.
TFTina Fey
The cover story of New York Magazine this week is "Baby Panic". This goes perfectly with the other magazines on my coffee table - "Where Are The Babies?", "Why Haven't You Had A Baby?", and "For God's Sake, Have A Baby!" Thanks, Time Magazine, just what I need - another article so depressing, I can actually hear my ovaries curling up.
According to author Sylvia Hewlett, career women shouldn't wait to have babies because our fertility takes a steep drop-off after age 27. And Sylvia's right - I definitely should have had a baby when I was 27, living in Chicago over a biker bar, pulling down a cool $12,000 a year. That would have worked out great. But Sylvia's message is basically that feminism can't change nature - which is true, alright. If feminism could change nature, Ruth Bader Ginsberg would be all oiled up on the cover of Mac - but she's not.
Ladies, there's no reason to panic, though. It's out of your control, anyway. Either your cooter works, or it doesn't. My mom had me when she was 40, and this was back in the 70s, when the only fertility aid was Harley's Bristol Creme. So, waiting is just a risk that I'm going to have to take. And I don't think I could do fertility drugs, because, to me, six half-pound translucent babies is not a miracle. It's gross. I'd rather adopt a baby, I don't need a kid that looks like me. I was an ugly kid. I looked like a cross between that chick from the Indigo Girls and.. the other chick from the Indigo Girls. Not a cute kid, alright.
Dratch, Poehler, Maya? how do you feel about author Sylvia Hewlett?
RMRachel, Maya, Amy
We hated Sylvia Hewlett!
RDRachel Dratch
Yeah. Sylvia, um, thanks for reminding me that I have to hurry up and have a baby. Uh, me and my four cats will get right on that.
APAmy Poehler
My neighbor has this adorable, cute little Chinese baby that speaks Italian. So, you know, I’ll just buy one of those.
MRMaya Rudolph
Yeah, Sylvia, maybe your next book should tell men our age to stop playing Grand Theft Auto III, and holding out for the chick from Alias.
RARachel and Amy
Yeah.
TFTina Fey
You're not gonna get the chick from Alias!
MRMaya Rudolph
Yeah, why don't you just shut up and put a baby in here! [pointing around her crotch]
APAmy Poehler
You guys want to go and, uh, stare at Ana some more?
MRMaya Rudolph
Yeah!
RDRachel Dratch
Okay!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Saturday Night Live pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.