Ted quotes from Queer as Folk (US)

Melanie

Weather sucked.

Ted

But so did the men.

Brian

It's "the big C," Ted.

Ted

Cocaine?

Brian

It's bigger.

Ted

Crystal?

Brian

Bigger.

Ted

Caffeine?

Brian

It's cancer, Theodore.

Ted

C-c-ca...

Emmett

You know, I absolutely hate when you do that.

Ted

Do what?

Emmett

Start to say something and then say "never mind." Then I have to spend the next ten minutes begging you to tell me what it is.

Ted

I never knew it irritated you that much. Why didn't you tell me?

Emmett

Well what good would it do? You'd just get hurt and sulk.

Ted

I do not sulk.

Emmett

And then I have to spend another ten minutes convincing you that I love you and begging you to forgive me, which you finally would, so would you please just tell me what the fuck it is so we don't have to go through the entire song and dance.

Ted

I forgot what it is I wasn't going to tell you.

Emmett

Can you believe I've never been to a football game?

Ted

Easily.

Ted

That's impossible, he's straight!

Emmett

Tell my ass that.

Justin

Brian's doctor cautioned him to take it easy.

Ted

What like getting laid 3 times instead of 4?

Justin

More like 7 instead of 9.

Ted

Anyway, it's not just for Michael and Ben. If things had been different, maybe -

Emmett

No point in beating yourself up, Teddy. We're still friends, aren't we? Which means we'll be together a lot longer than most marriages.

Emmett

[reading a map intently] I think we should have taken a left at this little squiggle here.

Ted

I thought you knew how to read a map!

Emmett

Of course I do! You go down here, take a left at 'up yours' and continue on about three miles to 'go fuck yourself'!

Ted

If it turns out we’re hopelessly lost and, for whatever reason, I don’t survive the elements, I want you to know that you have my permission to eat me.

Emmett

Thank you, Teddy. That’s the most generous thing any person ever said to another.

Debbie

Why don't you boys sit down?

Ted

Uh, thanks but we prefer to stand.

Emmett

Bum's are a little battered.

Debbie

Ah, [to Ted] well you I understand. [to Emmett] But you... you're a disgrace to nelly bottom's everywhere.

Ted

You think I'm fat?!

Brian

Well, let's put it this way; if you start singing, it's all over.

Emmett

Just call me 'the Queer Guy'!

Ted

Isn't that like calling the Pope 'the Catholic guy'?

Justin

I don't get why everyone left.

Ted

That's one of the great mysteries of life. How does a bud know when to open? How does a bird know how to fly? Why do queers desert one club for another?

Brian

Why don't you do a little work instead of counting who's had work done?

Ted

And the point of that would be?

Justin

To keep your body, mind, and spirit healthy and in shape. Of course, I personally don't need it. I only do this so guys can check out my ass.

Ted

They hired you because they didn't want some stiff straight guy who looks like he has a poker up his ass.

Brian

They wanted some gay guy who looked like he had a fist up his ass.