What's the most famous line from a Tarzan film?
Oh, "Me Tarzan, you Jane."
Yes, except of course it never happened.
What?!
Why do these films always forget to put their most famous lines in?
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
How has the Eurovision Song Contest made Europe a better place?
TWTerry Wogan
How has it made it a better place? Because it has, as you can see, the dove, it has brought together the nations of Europe-
Has it arse, it's divided East from West.
[On Bertrand Russell's proof that 1 + 1 = 2]
In order to prove mathematics from the very beginning, you have to establish the first principle of arithmetic, and that piece of symbolic logic was proving that one plus one equals two.
It’s a bit late, the 20th century, to prove that, I’d say.
A bit late?
You’ve got quite a lot riding by the 20th century on one plus one being two, you know? There’s quite a lot of engineering happening. Quite a complex international economy. If you find out that it doesn’t equal two, what do we do? Just burn everything! God know anything could fall on our heads. Money, you might as well eat it. Forget civilisation!
[on smoke signals]
Was that before or after email?
[grins] It's... close. They were spamming though, you'd get endless streams! [pretending to fan smoke] "do-you-want-a-big-ger-cock?"
What happened to the fireman's pole?
He tiled the fireman's bathroom.
[attempting a Richard Burton impression]
"When a baby cries it's first cry when it's born it's crying out knowing..." [audience member giggles] Shut up. [more laughter] You wouldn't know a good impression if it sat on your face!
I'm from the same town as Richard Burton and Anthony Hopkins.
And Michael Sheen.
And Michael Sheen, of course. In fact, my father grew up in the same street, literally the same street, as Anthony Hopkins.
Yeah... In England we live in houses.
You know how sometimes it can be too cold to snow, yeah?
[There’s complete silence.]
Is that a question?
Yeah. You know how it can be too cold to snow?
Yes, because you need some moisture...
[Forfeit klaxon goes off - YES]
You really hate me, don’t you?
Did you really work that out?
CHCharlie Higson
Some of us paid attention at school, Alan.
That one again! That seems to be the root of all my problems.
[After hearing about how the East German secret police used to take swabs of dissidents' body odour in order to identify them]
CHCharlie Higson
It does sound like a new perfume range, though, doesn't it? "Dissidence, from Calvin Klein."
Anyway. The Borgia Pope celebrated the feast of chestnuts by an evening of prostitute-racing in the Vatican.
[while explaining about the formula used to determine the number of times a paper could be folded] … what you need is length and thickness.
That will get ripped off and straight onto YouTube. That will also become a ringtone. "What you need is length and thickness." [mimes accepting a call] "Hello?"
Damn you all. You want--
And that'll be for text messages.
I believe, that you, as it happens, obviously, like Alan, felt some erotic feelings towards your instructor, is that correct?
PAPam Ayres
I did. I took a shine to the instructor. I think that’s why I jumped out the aircraft, really. Cos I wanted to impress him.
I often do that. If I like a woman, I jump out of the window.
Do you know what the French for "flying fish" is?
Poisson … d'aeroplane …?
What's the opposite of a flying fish?
Tunnelling flamingo!
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