Well, bless him, when he arrived—I'm not wishing to sound patronising, but I've just said "bless him," so there's no way out—
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
I took my nephews to London Zoo, because a friend of ours is a zoo-keeper there, and she can get you in sort of the back. And we went in to see a lion, and they said, "There's some mesh — there's small mesh and big mesh. You must stay on the side where the big mesh is. Don't go near the small mesh. Stay where the big mesh is. Do you understand?" And the kids went—[nods nervously] And we just went in, and my nephew turned to me and said, "What's mesh?"
I was in Brazil, and I went into an enclosure with a Jaguar. And this Brazilian handler said "It's very important: always approach from the front". And I went, right, okay, and I was just getting closer to the front of it. And then he said "Oh no, sorry, never. Sorry! My English..."
So that's all from Bill, Jo, Jeremy, Alan and Pudsey and me and I'll leave you with this thought about one form of entertainment we haven't covered tonight, from Noel Coward: "People are wrong when they say that opera is not what it used to be. It is exactly what it used to be, that is what is wrong with it." Good night.
So that's the Cameroon's Eton tribe. They have other ethnic groups called the Bum, the Bang, the Banana, the Mang, the Fang, the Tang, the Wum, the Wam, the War, and, of course, the Pongo.
Who discovered this tribe, Benny Hill?
We had a Jimmy Glasscock at school.
Oh, did you?
Yeah, you could always see when he was coming.
What is pink, has pendulous breasts, gets sailors all excited and tastes of prime beef? [as Jimmy rings in] Yes?
Was Princess Margaret buried at sea?
It was before Haile Selassie, there was an emperor...
Lowly Selassie.
[on getting static shock]
But some people say, it's because of passion, like when you meet the man or woman of your dreams, you have an electric shock.
Sometimes if I meet an attractive woman, I will tazer her.
[Which island did Britain's fourth Antarctic expedition get stranded on in 1916?]
Oh! Is it the Island of Reluctant but Inevitable Homosexuality? [laughter] I think I recognise it from that school trip that went horribly wrong …
Lord of the Undone Flies.
[About why Germans like Mr. Bean]
There's a certain efficiency about it. [in German accent] "He does somesing, then he falls over. Is very amusing. Before, he vas valking in a straight line, so he's valking into the door! Is genius!"
"Zis is vhat happens vhen you break ze rules!"
"Sometimes I stay up very late!"
[How to keep your children from peeking at their Christmas presents]
Blind them.
[stuffing his face with spaghetti] Can I just say, this is the best quiz I've ever been on.
And how are you eating yours, Alan?
By hand.
Do you know, the thing is, Alan gets 20 points, because that’s how Neopolitans eat spaghetti. They lean back and drop it into their mouths by hand.
That’s not fair! Alan thinks mashed potatoes are finger food!
They say of the Acropolis, where the Parthenon is … [Stephen flubs the line, causing the panellists to rib him mercilessly for the next 3-4 minutes as he tries to nail it for the recording - he eventually manages to force out to great applause:] … there are no straight lines!
Do they? [sigh]
Whatever …
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