Does anyone know, in a packet of mixed nuts, why do the Brazils always rise to the top?
AAlan
[Laughing disbelievingly.] Surely nobody knows that.
You’re right!
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
Well, it's just becoming rapidly more clear: there are many people on Earth who need to be killed and nearly all of them are management consultants.
[On the con game Find The Lady or Three Card Monte]
I prefer Three Card Monte, because Find the Lady...I had a really bad experience in Thailand once...
Did you feel a bit of a dick?
[On answering a question about how you tell whether a chick is male or female]
This is something I vaguely knew about growing up in Norfolk, because in Norfolk there is a community of Vietnamese turkey sexers who... (He is cut off by the audience laughing)
I can NEVER watch Platoon again! You've ruined Apocalypse Now for me!
I'm sorry about that...
(Putting two fingers to his temple, imitating a gun and speaking in an Asian accent) WHAT SEX IS CHICKEN?!?! YOU TELL ME NOW!!!
What big decision did the driver of the number 78 bus have to make in December 1952.
[Jimmy hits his buzzer.]
The coronation is all I know about ‘52. The Queen didn’t get the bus, did she?
No, she didn’t.
My dad once punched a bee.
Why aren’t there any vegan Venus Flytraps?
Maybe there are, but people don’t invite them round for dinner cos it’s too complicated.
Would you like to see a shrimp on a running machine?
More than you know!
I’ve tried a scorpion, I’ve tried an ant. That’s it.
I’ve got a rule, like, if it comes in my house, then I’m allowed to kill it.
Right.
For trespassing.
So how many Jehova’s Witnesses...?
I hear voices.
Do you?
But I ignore them and I just carry on killing.
[On meaning in animal noises]
I can vouch for that. There are people who study this. My director of one of my documentaries, he got a PhD from Oxford studying frog communication.
He was a Professor of French.
He genuinely believed it was possible that after Christ's ascension into Heaven, the rings of Saturn are where he put his foreskin. Now, you're maybe thinking that I'm trying to mock the church, that this is nonsense. But Christ, of course, was a Jewish boy, and like all Jewish boys, at the eighth day of his birth, he was circumc –
They're fifty thousand miles across!
She also actively sought out degrading experiences. She once drank a cupful of cancerous pus from a woman who'd abused her.
But had she appeared on Mock the Week?
[Question: "How were the rings around Saturn actually formed?" Brian Cox and Alan Davies, sitting on the opposite sides of the studio, both pull out their "Nobody knows" cards]
I'm going to, to play the card there.
[looking at Cox] You are right! You're a true scientist. The fact is that nobody does really know, do they.
[pointed cough]
[turns to see Alan with his card] Well done!
[Formally] Thank you.
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