Sheldon Wallace quotes from Private Practice

Violet

Okay, look, um, Pete, Sheldon, I'm um... I'm sleeping with both of you. I thought it was okay, but it's not. I realize that I, um, you... you can't do that. I can't do that, and, um, and I'm sorry.

Pete

Who are you? [leaves]

Violet

He's right. I'm a mess.

Sheldon

We're all a mess, don't you know that by now? All I know is, I don't mind finding out... who you are.

Pete

We've made a decision.

Violet

Together?

Sheldon

Paternity test. Now.

Pete

One of us gets out of your hair, the other one... has a right to know.

Cooper

Look guys...

Pete

Know what, Cooper? You moved in, you pushed us out, you claimed your territory, but one thing is clear. This kid you're talking to, is not your kid, so, stay out of it.

Violet

Look, Pete...

Sheldon

The answer is right there for us to know.

Pete

We know that you don't want to face it, but we do.

[to Pete] Sir, your relationship to... Violet?

Sheldon

He's her boyfriend. [to Pete] I was seeing a patient upstairs and I heard.

Pete

I'm sorry. I should've called.

And who are you?

Sheldon

I'm the baby's father.

Pete

Uh, well, kind of the baby's father.

Sheldon

Maybe the father. So is he.

Pete

We're both- We're the baby's father.

Sheldon

[to the cop] It's a long story. It's... Just wear a condom. Tell your friends. [chuckles]

Sheldon

I know this might sound a little forward, but I saw you from over there and I think you are stunning. You have this unstoppable sex appeal, you're like the Niagara Falls of sexy. Wow, that was terrible.

Horrific.

Addison

I like someone. A lot, and my dating life in LA has been a little... crazy. It's been awful and hard. And suddenly I meet someone who's easy, and it's not hard-work and there's not that awkward dance of getting to know you. It's like, it's like picking up on the sixtieth date, it's like what I've been looking for has been right in front of me the whole time.

Sheldon

Well it sounds... perfect.

Addison

It could be, but seeing him would hurt a friend.

Sheldon

And you care about this friend?

Addison

She's my closest friend.

Sheldon

Ah, yes, well, that could be a problem.

Addison

That's not a helpful response!

Sheldon

When someone like you poses a problem like this, I think you know what you want and that you want it and you're looking for me to tell you that it's alright. To do what you want.

Addison

And is it?

Sheldon

I think friendship is important. And lord knows this friend, this woman you're talking about, I don't want to see her put through anything else right now. But if this is really it, the one, I don't know that I could walk away.

Addison

Okay, there's Pete and the baby, and then there's Sam, who has Vanessa.

Sheldon

I have an office...

Addison

Sheldon, focus. Am I stupid, or am I a bad person? Because there's this great guy, and he's got a great baby, and I really want the baby, and I want the guy. I want to love the guy, but what am I doing instead? I'm going crazy over Sam and Vanessa, who I genuinely think is not a bad person, although I do think that she might be a bad doctor because she disagrees with the medical course of treatment that I know to be correct, but am I stupid? Because I have no right to have feelings for Sam, I don't know why I have feelings for Sam, he's Naomi's ex-husband, he's my friend, what the hell's wrong with me?

Sheldon

Do you like being with Pete?

Addison

Yes!

Sheldon

And do you like to be with Lucas?

Addison

Yes!

Sheldon

So you want to be with them, you just don't want to... be with them?

Addison

Because of Sam! Say something shrinky.

Sheldon

Look, if you come to my office...

Addison

Short, quick answers, please.

Sheldon

Okay. Well, a few months ago you found out that your mother was living a secret life, hiding her homosexuality from you. And because she was guarding this secret, you feel like you never really knew or bonded with her.

Addison

What does that have to do with my feelings for Pete, the baby, and Sam?

Sheldon

Well, you might be harboring feelings about connecting with the child as that causes you to place yourself in a maternal role, which could be raising feelings of rejection for you. As well, you likely project Pete into the role of your father, Sam into the role of a forbidden connection, which confuses your feelings for either man. It becomes hard to see past the deep-rooted psychosexual implications in which you're going through.

Addison

What?

Sheldon

You have mommy issues.

Sheldon

Is there some glaringly obvious reason why I'm everybody's second choice?

Addison

Ugh, you and me both.

Sheldon

No, anybody who could choose you would. You just can't quite decide what you want.

Addison

Yeah, well apparently I want everything.

Sheldon

Yeah, you do, and you should get everything. You're just scared of what it will mean and being scared, no one lays on their deathbed wishing they had less, less love, no one. So, if you love the guy, Addison, for God's sake just don't let him get away.