Balki Bartokomous quotes from Perfect Strangers

Balki

We witnessed the miracle of birth.

Larry

You witnessed the miracle of birth. I took one look and passed out. Of course, the good news is that while I was unconscious, I couldn't behave like a lunatic.

Larry

Let's make believe that this is Tony's Mambo Room. Balki, you're seeing me for the first time since I kicked you out. [ Balki takes a seat on the chair and Larry grabs the throw from the back of the couch and wraps it around his shoulders. Mr. Twinkacetti sits on the end of the couch to watch closely]

Balki

This is how you have to act if you want to get your wife back. [Larry walks across the room in a sultry manner, then eyes Balki as Balki returns the look. Larry acts coy. Balki gets to his feet and reaches out to Larry] Edwina, you look lovely this evening. [Larry takes Balki's hand and steps closer] That dress brings out your eyes.

I'm gonna throw up. [He gets up]

Balki

[sternly] Sit down, Turnip! [Mr. Twinkacetti obediently does so]

Larry

[in a feminine voice] Donald . . . the Mambo Room. How sweet of you to remember.

Balki

How could I forget, my pet? [He and Larry step closer. Larry turns his back to Balki and they take two steps forward in unison. Balki then pulls Larry to one side] It seems like only yesterday . . . you're as beautiful as you were then. [He pulls Larry to the other side] No! I'm wrong! You're even more beautiful!

Larry

I am?

Balki

You are.

Larry

I am?

Balki

You are.

Larry

I am?

Balki

You... Of course you are, don't be ridiculous.

Larry

Donald, I forgot how romantic you could be. How could I ever have kicked you out? [He gasps and looks straight into Balki's eyes] Take me!

Balki

I don't think so.

Larry

Say, Chuck, do you have a blueprint for your brain? I'm building an idiot.

Balki

[confused] Cousin, you didn't tell me you were building an idiot.

Larry

It was going to be a surprise.

Balki

Well cousin, I guess when they were handing out the lips you only got one! [pause] Why aren't you laughing?

Larry

[stony-faced] It's hard to laugh with one lip.

Balki

Stop! COUSIN!... You are a man repossessed!

Larry

And loving it! Balki, rhumba tempo! We've got to get these bibbibabkas baked!

Balki

Cousin! It's too fast! And besides, shouldn't I be leading?

Balki

What do the directions say?

Larry

[haughtily] Directions? I threw them out. My father has made it through his whole life without ever reading a set of directions. He once rewired the entire house without directions.

Larry

[sheepishly] They never proved it was the wiring.

Larry

If you can't take the heat... then get out of my kitchen.

Balki

Fine. You've baked your cake. Now lie in it.

Larry

I'll hold the wrench, you've got the hammer. When I nod my head, you hit it.

Balki

[incredulously] Come again?

Larry

When I nod my head, you hit it.

Balki

[appalled] I can't do that!

Larry

Balki, don't make this complicated. I'll hold the wrench. You've got the hammer. When I nod my head, you hit it. You hit it! [Balki starts crying] Now do you understand?

Balki

[nervously clutching the hammer] Yes!

Larry

Ready?

Balki

[still crying] Yes! [Balki raises the hammer and waits for Larry's cue. Larry nods his head. Balki raises the hammer to strike]

Larry

WAIT! [Balki stands with the hammer raised, confused] What are you doing? [Balki lowers the hammer]

Balki

You said that when you nod your head I'm supposed to hit it.

Larry

The WRENCH! HIT THE WRENCH! [He snatches the hammer from his confused cousin's hand. He places a hand to his head, frustrated] I'll do it myself.

Larry

And why are you going to get what you want?

Balki

Because I’m selfish!

Larry

And why are you selfish?

Balki

Because I want to make people HAPPY!!! HAPPY!!! [He shakes Larry vigorously back and forth]

Larry

Yes! Yes! You've got it!

Larry

Alright, Balki, now help me down.

Balki

[excited] Cousin, do it for me, please?

Larry

[wearily] No, no...

Balki

Oh, please! Please, Mr. Scarecrow, which way to the Emerald City?

Balki

[gleefully] I love it! I love it!

Balki

Cousin, I should have listened to you when you told me not to join the Motor Psychos.

Larry

Well, I can understand why you did it. It's the only thing that kept your mind off Mary Anne. [Balki doubles over, sobbing] Oops.

Larry

Don't come any closer! [He tries to smash a bottle against a table to use as a weapon, but can't quite manage. Cobra grabs the bottle and smashes it over his head]

Is that what you were tryin' to do? [A short pause]

Larry

[simultaneously] Well, I wasn't going for the head. I was going for the... [He mimes smashing a bottle against a table] hoping for a jagged edge... something I could brandish about...

Balki

[simultaneously] No, you were going like this... there's a system to it... we had that whole discussion about the relaxation of the wrist and the elongation of this muscle right here, but, you know, sometimes the label covers over the part of the bottle...

If you don't start acting like yourself by the time I count to three, you are out of a job! One...

Balki

For the money!

Two...

Balki

For the show!

Larry

Tomorrow at 10:00 you'll be meeting with the football team. You'll tell them how important you think sports are to the school's image, got it?

Balki

Ah, sports are good for school's image, got it.

Larry

Okay, then at 10:30, you'll be meeting with the science club. You'll tell them, you think education is important and too much of the school's budget is spent on sports. Got it?

Balki

Too much on sports. Got it.

Larry

Okay, at noon, you'll be meeting with the fraternities. You'll tell them, you think entirely too much time is being spent in the classroom, and you're pushing for a 3-day weekend, got it?

Balki

Too much fraternity.

Larry

That, and 15:00 you'll be meeting with the Honor Society. You'll tell them you think we're here to study, not to party, and you're pushing for Saturday classes, got it?

Balki

[Covers Larry's mouth to prevent him from further talking] Small, small question from a simple Mypiot boy. This looks like I'm just telling everyone what they want to hear.

Larry

Welcome to politics. I am so proud of you.

Balki

You... you live with someone for five years, and you think you know them...

Larry

Balki...

Balki

Then you spend a night in a car trunk with them.

Larry

Balki, this is not what you think.

Balki

[angrily] It's not an inflatable woman?

Larry

... Well, yes it is.

Balki

Does the lady have a name?

Larry

I use this so I can drive in the car pool lane when I'm driving alone.