Larry Appleton quotes from Perfect Strangers

Larry

Oh, my Lord!

Larry

I have... a plan.

Larry

Watch... and learn.

Larry

Who'd ever heard of a burglar wearing a baseball cap?

Larry

Okay, okay, fine! You didn't lock me in the closet, there was no-one at the door, we are not having this conversation. This whole day has been some cosmic cruelty joke. Ha ha, fine! Oh, and if Tony Perkins shows up wearing a house-dress and carrying a very large kitchen knife... Tell him I'm in the shower!

Larry

Having Twinkacetti as a houseguest. It's like Tokyo inviting Godzilla for dinner.

Larry

W-well, actually, there is something I... I wanted to talk to you about. But things have been so crazy around here that... it just hasn't been a-a good time. But, I just wanted to-" [He looks and sees that Balki has fallen asleep] "I just wanted to know what you thought about Jennifer and I, you know? I dunno, is she interested in me, or...?

Larry

Look, this is America. We make things a lot more complicated.

Balki

You know, I really admire you.

Larry

Why is that?.

Balki

Well, because first... you're willing to give up your bedroom to a woman I hardly know....[Larry looks at Balki in surprise] ... and then for me, your friend, you're willing to sleep on the hot side of the bed.

Larry

[Larry begins to lie down, then thinks about it and sits back up again.] What do you mean, the hot side of the bed?.

Balki

Well, about 6:00 in the morning... see that little hole in the drapes? The sun comes through that and bores a hole right through your head like a laser beam.

Larry

What's in my face?

Balki

Dimitri. He always sleeps with me. [He makes Dimitri bounce toward Larry] Ding dang dang.

Larry

Not tonight. [He takes Dimitri and drops him callously on the floor]

Balki

I say my prayers now. [He crawls out of bed, kneels beside it and clasps his hands together in prayer] God? Bless Cousin Larry and Gina and the new baby and please watch over Dimitri who's sleeping on the floor for the first time in his whole young life. [He bounds back into bed, throws the covers over himself and cringes]'

Balki

We witnessed the miracle of birth.

Larry

You witnessed the miracle of birth. I took one look and passed out. Of course, the good news is that while I was unconscious, I couldn't behave like a lunatic.

Larry

Let's make believe that this is Tony's Mambo Room. Balki, you're seeing me for the first time since I kicked you out. [ Balki takes a seat on the chair and Larry grabs the throw from the back of the couch and wraps it around his shoulders. Mr. Twinkacetti sits on the end of the couch to watch closely]

Balki

This is how you have to act if you want to get your wife back. [Larry walks across the room in a sultry manner, then eyes Balki as Balki returns the look. Larry acts coy. Balki gets to his feet and reaches out to Larry] Edwina, you look lovely this evening. [Larry takes Balki's hand and steps closer] That dress brings out your eyes.

I'm gonna throw up. [He gets up]

Balki

[sternly] Sit down, Turnip! [Mr. Twinkacetti obediently does so]

Larry

[in a feminine voice] Donald . . . the Mambo Room. How sweet of you to remember.

Balki

How could I forget, my pet? [He and Larry step closer. Larry turns his back to Balki and they take two steps forward in unison. Balki then pulls Larry to one side] It seems like only yesterday . . . you're as beautiful as you were then. [He pulls Larry to the other side] No! I'm wrong! You're even more beautiful!

Larry

I am?

Balki

You are.

Larry

I am?

Balki

You are.

Larry

I am?

Balki

You... Of course you are, don't be ridiculous.

Larry

Donald, I forgot how romantic you could be. How could I ever have kicked you out? [He gasps and looks straight into Balki's eyes] Take me!

Balki

I don't think so.

Larry

Say, Chuck, do you have a blueprint for your brain? I'm building an idiot.

Balki

[confused] Cousin, you didn't tell me you were building an idiot.

Larry

It was going to be a surprise.

Balki

Well cousin, I guess when they were handing out the lips you only got one! [pause] Why aren't you laughing?

Larry

[stony-faced] It's hard to laugh with one lip.

Balki

Stop! COUSIN!... You are a man repossessed!

Larry

And loving it! Balki, rhumba tempo! We've got to get these bibbibabkas baked!

Balki

Cousin! It's too fast! And besides, shouldn't I be leading?