America! Land of my dreams, home of the Whopper!
All S1
Characters
Balki BartokomousBronson Pinchot · 31 quotes
Larry AppletonMark Linn-Baker · 25 quotes
Mary-Anne SpencerRebeca Arthur · 3 quotes
Most scenes together: Balki Bartokomous & Larry Appleton (17)
S1 E15Unfinished Business
You know, I really admire you.
Why is that?.
Well, because first... you're willing to give up your bedroom to a woman I hardly know....[Larry looks at Balki in surprise] ... and then for me, your friend, you're willing to sleep on the hot side of the bed.
[Larry begins to lie down, then thinks about it and sits back up again.] What do you mean, the hot side of the bed?.
Well, about 6:00 in the morning... see that little hole in the drapes? The sun comes through that and bores a hole right through your head like a laser beam.
[Balki has placed his toy sheep on the pillow next to him so when Larry lays down and turns his head the sheep's bottom is in his face]
What's in my face?
[Balki holds up the sheep for Larry to see]
Dimitri. He always sleeps with me. [He makes Dimitri bounce toward Larry] Ding dang dang.
Not tonight. [He takes Dimitri and drops him callously on the floor]
I say my prayers now. [He crawls out of bed, kneels beside it and clasps his hands together in prayer] God? Bless Cousin Larry and Gina and the new baby and please watch over Dimitri who's sleeping on the floor for the first time in his whole young life. [He bounds back into bed, throws the covers over himself and cringes]'
We witnessed the miracle of birth.
You witnessed the miracle of birth. I took one look and passed out. Of course, the good news is that while I was unconscious, I couldn't behave like a lunatic.
Let's make believe that this is Tony's Mambo Room. Balki, you're seeing me for the first time since I kicked you out. [ Balki takes a seat on the chair and Larry grabs the throw from the back of the couch and wraps it around his shoulders. Mr. Twinkacetti sits on the end of the couch to watch closely]
This is how you have to act if you want to get your wife back. [Larry walks across the room in a sultry manner, then eyes Balki as Balki returns the look. Larry acts coy. Balki gets to his feet and reaches out to Larry] Edwina, you look lovely this evening. [Larry takes Balki's hand and steps closer] That dress brings out your eyes.
TMr. Twinkacetti
I'm gonna throw up. [He gets up]
[sternly] Sit down, Turnip! [Mr. Twinkacetti obediently does so]
[in a feminine voice] Donald . . . the Mambo Room. How sweet of you to remember.
How could I forget, my pet? [He and Larry step closer. Larry turns his back to Balki and they take two steps forward in unison. Balki then pulls Larry to one side] It seems like only yesterday . . . you're as beautiful as you were then. [He pulls Larry to the other side] No! I'm wrong! You're even more beautiful!
I am?
You are.
I am?
You are.
I am?
You... Of course you are, don't be ridiculous.
Donald, I forgot how romantic you could be. How could I ever have kicked you out? [He gasps and looks straight into Balki's eyes] Take me!
I don't think so.
Say, Chuck, do you have a blueprint for your brain? I'm building an idiot.
[confused] Cousin, you didn't tell me you were building an idiot.
It was going to be a surprise.
Well cousin, I guess when they were handing out the lips you only got one! [pause] Why aren't you laughing?
[stony-faced] It's hard to laugh with one lip.
[Larry does a rhumba with Balki]
Stop! COUSIN!... You are a man repossessed!
And loving it! Balki, rhumba tempo! We've got to get these bibbibabkas baked!
Cousin! It's too fast! And besides, shouldn't I be leading?
[Larry has asked the gang to help bake 2,000 Bibbi-Bobka's to be sold to a restaurant]
JLJennifer Lyons
Larry, it took us all morning to bake three dozen. Do you know how many dozen 2,000 are?
[instantly] One-hundred and sixty-six and two-thirds dozen. [off their looks] My father was a carpenter.
What do the directions say?
[haughtily] Directions? I threw them out. My father has made it through his whole life without ever reading a set of directions. He once rewired the entire house without directions.
Balki: Isn't that the house that burned to the ground?
[sheepishly] They never proved it was the wiring.
If you can't take the heat... then get out of my kitchen.
Fine. You've baked your cake. Now lie in it.
I'll hold the wrench, you've got the hammer. When I nod my head, you hit it.
[incredulously] Come again?
When I nod my head, you hit it.
[appalled] I can't do that!
Balki, don't make this complicated. I'll hold the wrench. You've got the hammer. When I nod my head, you hit it. You hit it! [Balki starts crying] Now do you understand?
[nervously clutching the hammer] Yes!
Ready?
[still crying] Yes! [Balki raises the hammer and waits for Larry's cue. Larry nods his head. Balki raises the hammer to strike]
WAIT! [Balki stands with the hammer raised, confused] What are you doing? [Balki lowers the hammer]
You said that when you nod your head I'm supposed to hit it.
The WRENCH! HIT THE WRENCH! [He snatches the hammer from his confused cousin's hand. He places a hand to his head, frustrated] I'll do it myself.
And why are you going to get what you want?
Because I’m selfish!
And why are you selfish?
Because I want to make people HAPPY!!! HAPPY!!! [He shakes Larry vigorously back and forth]
Yes! Yes! You've got it!
[Bronson Pinchot and Mark Linn-Baker accidentally injured each other while filming this scene]
[Larry is hanging by the neck of his jacket.]
Alright, Balki, now help me down.
[excited] Cousin, do it for me, please?
[wearily] No, no...
Oh, please! Please, Mr. Scarecrow, which way to the Emerald City?
Larry: 'Some people go that way, and some people go that way...'
Balki, Larry: '...But, of course, people do go both ways!'
[gleefully] I love it! I love it!
Cousin, I should have listened to you when you told me not to join the Motor Psychos.
Well, I can understand why you did it. It's the only thing that kept your mind off Mary Anne. [Balki doubles over, sobbing] Oops.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Perfect Strangers pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.