Penn & Teller: Bullshit! quotes

Penn

Naked people are their own reward.

Penn

Conclusion: it's bullshit! Save your money and go see Joe... and we'll tell you you're sex-ay for free!

Penn

[on the subject of Feng Shui] You know, Teller, I find it silly that some people think that how you arrange your furniture can affect your health. It seems so...so...so...hmmm, stupid. [drinks out of Penn & Teller: Bullshit bottled water]

Penn

[on the subject of bottled water] Consumers are offered water with names conveying pure and pristine water sources. Ever hear of Alaskan Falls water? That must come from the crystal-clear glacial waters of our 49th state, right? Sorry, folks. Alaskan flows from this liquibox corporation building in Worthington, Ohio. Does the brand Yosemite conjure up visions of the cool, pristine waters rushing through California's high sierras? Well, then the marketers have done their jobs. The source of Yosemite bottled water is actually 400 miles away in Northwest Los Angeles. How about Everest Water? Could our piddly show possibly afford to send a camera crew to Nepal? NOT NECESSARY. Everest comes from the industrial section of Corpus Cristi, Texas! In fact, if you read the fine print on the FUCKING LABEL, they even admit that the water comes from a MUNICIPAL SOURCE! THAT IS TAP WATER, brothers and sisters of the cult of the bottle!

Penn

In much of the rest of the world, [drinking] tap water equals rapid and severe weight loss, with the introduction of new, probably harmful, friends to your intestines and other organs. Are we so ashamed of our wonderful tap water, that we have to disguise it?

Penn

I'm a pet psychic... psychic! I can tell you what your pet psychic is thinking and feeling. Your pet psychic is thinking "This is safe. No one can contradict me and realize I'm lying. I don't even have the balls to be a human psychic. I feel like such a pile of bullshit!"

Penn

When he [Norman Borlaug] won the Nobel Prize in 1970, they said he had saved a billion people. That's BILLION! "BUH!" That's Carl Sagan billion with a "B". And most of them were of different race from him. Norman is the greatest human being. And you've probably never heard of him.

Penn

Throughout history there's never been an overabundance of food. All food is the product of technology; apples, corn, tomatoes, all modified. Every food has been changed through selective breeding or grafting. For ten thousand years each attempt at improvement has changed the DNA of the plant. Now some people are up-in-arms about changes in DNA. Well, you know what? If you’re able to get up and have food, you should celebrate. We should all dance about how much food we have. Why is anyone fighting food advance? A very small percentage of the world's population is fortunate enough to have the luxury of turning down food. The rest of the world spends most of its time trying to get any food. You know why? Technological problems. They got dirt, they got water, they got sun. They lack the technical ability to till or enrich the soil. They lack the machines to plant enough to feed their families. They lack the hybrid plants that produce more food per acre. We need to spread all the technology all we can, so all people everywhere can deal with the problem of too much food. We can't start getting picky because we've got enough food—that's just self-centered and racist. Unless you and yours are starving, YOU need to SHUT THE FUCK UP!

[on the possibility of a world-wide switch to organic farming] We are almost 6.6 billion people, now. We can only feed about two-thirds of them. I don't see 2 billion volunteers to disappear.

Penn

We're pretty sure that if you live in a beach-house in the US, you probably shouldn't be trying to tell starving people in the rest of the world that you're fighting the technology that could feed their children.

You can't build a peaceful world on empty stomachs and human misery.

Penn

There are two things you say for sure about the Ouija board. One, it'll set you back about twenty bucks. Two, it's bullshit!

Penn

You might be wondering what our... friend is doing here. Well, he's one of the many creators of... bullshit! And he has the best of interest in this show because we're taking a look at the animal rights movement in general, and more specifically, a group called PETA - People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. These are folks who don't want animals killed, hurt, exploited or... embarrassed. Okay, we're gonna try it their way. We aren't gonna tease or abuse the bull. He doesn't have a cute name like... Elsie or... Moo-Moo or... Heifer Lips. His name is Dave. Nothing funny about that. We wouldn't do anything to this animal that we wouldn't do to each other. Except... call him Dave. Here you go...

Teller

[off-camera] Mother-FUCKER! Oh...!

Penn

Hey cool, Dave! He can talk!

Penn

Ethical means moral or proper which differs for every person, it's something to discuss! It's not an absolute, it just sounds nice, it's like 'pro-choice' and 'pro-life', I mean, c'mon! Everyone is pro-choice and pro-life! It's for or against abortion that your group is about, and who wouldn't wanna treat animals ethically, anyway? I mean nobody gets off slapping their monkey or choking their chicken or roughing up their clam!

This is a struggle for equality that is no different from all the other civil rights struggles before it.

The foolishness of that statement is so deep, that I can only ascribe it to higher education: you have to have gone to college to have learnt to say something that stupid.