At least I didn't have to watch her recoil at my scrotal scar.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
JJez
So these are just rows and rows of books you don't like? Do you spend a lot of time not reading them?
PProfessor
(Angry) I think you've said enough, friend.
JJez
He's not a mature student, he's been a loan manager for the last five years. He lives with me and he eats ready meals and we play 'Guess the Revels' and watch Men In Black on our massive telly and we have a fucking. Good. Time.
If you can't have sex with the monkey, make friends with the organ-grinder.
JJez
Right. You didn't, did you? Try to have sex with a monkey?
JJez
You do realise I'm bored, Mark? I'm dangerously bored. Today I even considered doing that thing that that MP and Michael Hutchence did. You know. [Mimes putting a rope around his neck and masturbating]
And if you do do that, don't do it in here. The hook's almost off the wall as it is.
JJez
No Mark. I only told you for a laugh. You promised not to tell.
Hitler promised not to invade Czechoslovakia, Jeremy. Welcome to the real world!
JJez
But you said... what about your mum's life?
What does that even mean!? What are you going to do, KILL her?
JJez
So I was gonna twat this geezer, and then it turns out they were both Polish!
Mark You were going to 'twat' a 'geezer'? Were you playing the 'Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels' video game?
I've been turning this thing over and over in my head like a bloody horrible pancake.
[Mark consoles Sophie after she breaks up with Jeff.]
Does... does he beat you, Soph?
God, no. He broke a plate once, but...
Does he come at you with a stick, Soph?
No, never. It's nothing like that.
He does beat you though, mentally. And with his hands and with his fists.
No.
JJez
Hey, Soph. You alright?
Yeah, just getting my head together.
Oh God, your head - is it okay!?
[Jeff is knocking at the flat door]
Hello?
You're not wanted here, Jeff. Get away from here.
I need to see Soph.
JJez
Oh, shouldn't we just - I mean, him and Sophie, they are -
Get away from the door, Jeff, or I will give you the broom!
Mark, I need to see Sophie.
I'm gonna give you the broom, Jeff! I'm gonna broom you! [he pokes the broom handle through the letterbox] Don't worry, Soph, I'm giving him the broom!
JJez
Mark, you can't broom him, he's my mate, he's a solid gold mate.
How did Soph find out about that girl in the pub, Jez?
JJez
I'm sorry, I'm really sorry.
Aw, look, just let me in, mate, please, Jez! I need to see Soph!
No, we all hate you, Jeff, You're a cocksucker! Jez told me about your fling! Your friendship's bullshit, and you're a FUCKHEAD!
JJez
It isn't bullshit! Let him in!
Let me in, Jez! Please!
JJez
(Oh God. Mark or Jeff? Jeff's proper, normal. I could make a new life. I could learn to like football and live with him and learn his ways. We'd have a laugh and I could be in the mainstream of the culture instead of lying like a freak in our weird puddle.) Oh fuck, I can't do it. I can't do it, Jeff! I can't do it.
[stops] HAHAHAHA! YOU LOSE, JEFF! YOU LOSE! How dangerous am I now, eh?!?
Let him in, Mark.
[stunned] ...Sophie, you - you don't need to do this! There are places you can go to! Women's refuges!
Just open the door, we need to talk.
[She opens the door to join Jeff]
JJez
Jeff, I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to -
[Jeff flips him off as they leave]
JJez
[closes the door] Brilliant, Mark. My mate and your woman have just gone off to fuck each other. What are we gonna do now? Go and make a tent in the living room and eat Dairylea? Is that what you want? Because that's what's gonna happen.
[discussing their marriage of convenience]
You realise its only going to be an administrative procedure?
JJez
The happiest administrative procedure of our lives!
JJez
Oh don't marry those gays, Nancy. Marry me!
You do realise it's me you're talking to, not some Italian builder.
(Maybe it'll go really well and I'll have a double wedding with Jeremy on Friday. Oh god. She's coming over. Must... Think... Words... Funny words.)
KKaren
Hi there
Hi, hi, say isn't it funny all the coffee, what's with all the coffee? Listen I'm just going to go over to my stupid friend and grrr, give her a good shake, but if you ever want to call me about anything then I'm in the book, Mark Corrigan (Too formal, lighten things up [winks at her]. Light, not slimey, ohhh can't retract the wink...unless...[winks a few times]) See you (Brilliant - the twitching freak, works every time)
KKaren
Hey Mark, how's it going?
Hey Karen, pretty good, and you?
KKaren
Good thanks
It was good to see you in Gino's. Got over the twitch by the way. Next time I have acupuncture, I'll get someone else to do it for me. [Karen giggles] (Hey! Look at me go, I'm charming!) Yeah so sorry if I was acting a bit weird, I guess I just wanted to see if you might want to hang out sometime?
KKaren
Well that sounds nice
(I'm a natural! Maybe I should try it on someone better looking.)
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Peep Show pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.