Peep Show · Season 1
[Supporting the woman whose partner is in a coma]
We need to get you some answers. Is he going to pull through? You need to know. (I need to know. Right now I'm the supporting character in a weepy when I want to be the leading man in a porno.)
Dobby's got a boyfriend.
Oh, God. Really?
His name's Simon and he's younger, slimmer, better-looking and more fashionable than us.
(Us? I'm several social ranks your senior, that's the whole basis of our relationship, Gerard.) So, what's he like?
Graphic designer.
Oh, please! "Hello, can I redesign your logo? Yes, that'll be a £100,000 for a squiggle." (Wish I was a graphic designer.)
And he drives an Audi.
But of course, Vorsprung Dick Technik! (Wish I had an Audi.)
Hold on. I didn't think we had any milk.
Er... no, we do.
No, we definitely don't, cos I couldn't have any Sultana Bran this morning. There's no milk in the fridge, except... oh!
Mark, relax.
This is Sophie's milk, isn't it?
Think of it as lady milk, from the human cow.
Jeremy, this... it's... it's one step away from cannibalism!
Oh, right, so it's weird to drink milk from someone you know, but to drink milk from another species, some cow you've never met, that's fine, is it?
Yes! Yes, it bloody well is!
Well, suit yourself. Mmm, luxury milk!
[Jez walks in on Mark and Gerard]
Sorry to interrupt you playing, boys.
We're not, we're just arranging our models. With some noises.
Enjoy playing with soldiers and wanking over Dobby on Facebook.
For God's sake, Jeremy. That's disgusting.
[Jez leaves]
Did you ever actually, er...?
Well, you know, on occasion.
Corfu '06?
[Mark nods]
It's cool, man. I mean, I've never actually gone that far myself. But everything's cool in Dobby Club.
(Ugh, we're the Dobby Club. Or the Dobby Ring. Can two people be a ring?)
Yeah, murdering your enemies is quite a simple solution. Which I guess is why in ethics and law it's so frowned upon.
Zara says we have only one thing to fear, and that's fear itself... it's a clever saying, isn't it?
And what about losing all your money? Or shitting yourself in public? Or the tabloid press mistakingly outing you as a paedo? Or Alzheimer's? Or all of those things plus you're drowning?
Christ, Mark. You really need to grow a pair.
Of testicles?
Yes.
You want me to grow a pair of testicles so I'd have four testicles and somehow that'll help make me braver and better to deal with stress? Staggering around like a baboon with four balls hanging down?
We thought we'd let you start, as its you place.
(We're letting you castrate yourself, as its your penknife.)
I'm just off to Dobby's, and I don't think I'll be needing to be friends with Kenneth anymore.
OK. Do you think Kenneth might have been made redundant?
Indeed, I think Kenneth can take a hike.
[Mark leaves and Jeremy returns to the book group]
Kenneth is what Mark calls his nine-inch dildo.
Why do they have these brushes anyway? Who wants brushed post?
Jeremy, do you think we could take a brief time-out from the masturbate-athon that is your life, to go to my son's christening?
We need to relax.
You can't relax! We've got to fight, worry, speculate, tut, pace, swear!
Why?
Because it's an emergency, and in an emergency you watch breaking news and count your tins of butter beans, you don't sit in the garden and put on Kiss FM!
Dude, we're here for the duration. Let's chill out.
We have an obligation to be anxious, it's a mark of respect for the gravity of the situation!
Right, what's Sophie's mobile number? 07700, that's definitely how it starts...
You can do it, Rain Man.
07700... 900563? I think that's right. It's ringing, it's ringing! Hello?
It's not her, it was a man.
Try again. Try all the variations.
Try all the variations of the five or six numbers I'm not sure of?
Where's the turkey, Jeremy?
What?
The turkey, where's the turkey?
I thought you were getting the turkey.
You what...? No turkey?! YOU FUCKING IDIOT, JEREMY! YOU TOTAL FUCKING IDIOT! THAT WAS YOUR JOB, YOU FUCKING MORON! YOU CRETIN! YOU'RE A FUCKHEAD! THAT'S WHAT YOU ARE! A FUCKING SHITHEAD!
[calmly] It was a joke, Mark. I was joking. It was a Christmas joke.
[quiet] O-Oh I see... oh.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Peep Show pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
