I'll kill you, Jeremy, for trying to steal Dobby, and electrocuting me, and destroying my fucking pie!
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
JJez
This stag is one load of PG-rated, Disney-assed, Which magazine approved, child-proof, high vitamin fucking bullshit.
Let's detox till we've got mega cocks.
I got something up on my visual display unit this morning, Mark. I thought it was a high-definition photo of some dog shit. Then I took a closer look, and I realised it was actually your sales record.
Oh, right.
I pulled strings to get you in, Mark. If you look like a sausage dog fucker, then I look like a sausage dog fucker. Do you get me?
(Got to get my dick out of the dog.)
JJez
Look, the problem for you is I'm your friend. I know you, Mark. I know you like to pretend you're this stuffed shirt who reads incredibly boring books about dead people killing each other with bayonets and typhoid, but I know the truth. I've watched Grand Designs with you. That smile when some eco-glass gets delayed on it's way from Antwerp and the nice couple gets pushed over budget. That's the real you.
(It wasn't Antwerp, it was Freiburg.)
JJez
You're this pathetic human who likes Twirls and Downton and Bond and Burgers. So don't come the big guy with me, because it won't fucking wash!
JJez
Look, Mark, you need to face facts. Jerry's a wanker. Kick him out and kick me back in.
JJez
What about going Litvinenko?
Kill him? With polonium?
JJez
Not full Litvinenko. Just a little bit of something debilitating in his pasta each night. Grind him down, weaken him, till he's all pathetic, and you can just [motions scooping Jerry up with his hand]
I owe Jez. He took a bullet for me. You, you're a pure chrome dildo. Solid.
OK, everything's out. What now?
JJez
We could tie him to a hot air balloon. Then he would drift away out of the window.
Um...
JJez
You like that? The hot air balloon? Or punch him, Hans?
What you looking at me for? You punch him. Maybe you could sit on him, intimidate him, yeah? Fart on his face.
JJez
Psychological warfare. Yeah, grind him down. Attack his beliefs.
Yeah. That, plus we fart.
What is this, farty Guantanamo?
JJez
He is, sort of, bagged for our convenience.
What?
JJez
We could just... bag him up and sling him out.
(I'm definitely going to agree to this. I just need to put up an acceptable level of objection so I can be all reproachful if it proves to be a disaster, which it almost certainly will.) No! No way. No. Well, ok. But on your heads be it.
Look, I don't think I've ever said this before, but I've got a huge amount of respect for you, yeah? When UKIP come to round us all up, you'll be there, won't you, at the barricades saying "No"?
Oh, that's... that's very nice of you to say, Hans.
Yeah. So, it's like this. I want you to be best man at my wedding.
Best Man? What about Jez?
Molly hates him. I need a... norm. And you, well you're a real meat and potatoes, straight up and down, Beef Wellington, don't trust the Argies, dick in the vagina, Cheddar Cheese and Chicken Tikka Masala man.
...Thank you? (There is nothing that could persuade me to strap myself to the huge, flaming Super Hans wedding zeppelin with a gang of drugged-up goons.)
[Mark is working on his Best Man speech]
Anything I could use that might be a bit more romantic? Also, and I know this might sound like a bit of a starter question, but... what's your name?
Wicked, hitching! Well one of us is definitely going to get murdered. Probably bloody me, it's usually the girl.
[Jez has found out that Mark, Dobby and Gregory saw him having sex via Mark's webcam]
JJez
Him as well?
You chose to go into my bedroom. You filmed yourself!
JJez
I didn't know your room was bristling with surveillance equipment!
[To Mark] That's what real mates do. They take a pounding, but they still come up smiling. Bit like Jez with that bloke in your bed.
JJez
God, has the entire world seen this fucking video?! I came here to talk to someone about this. Get some perspective. Turns out I can just read the fucking YouTube comments!
MMolly
[To Hans] Simon...
(Simon? Super Simon? Simon Hans?)
MMolly
You are the best of men. The truest, kindest, most generous of men.
JJez
(I think he might be the opposite of all those words.)
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Peep Show pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.