Hans. Super Hans, I've known Hans for many a year now. It's been a long road and now, as you've found Molly, er, and I don't really want to get into this, but I've started it now, but I'm going to bring it round, so don't worry. People said Molly wasn't right for you. That she was a downer. But you know what? If someone loves someone, he just loves them. And if that person is considered to be a downer, or even a yawn-a-thon, who cares? And even if someone loves another man, or, what's in a name? Or gender? Is it possible to love two people at once? Three? Four is surely the limit. But is it? What is love anyway? Is it, er, an act, or a feeling or, who am I to speak? Who are you to listen? Why is a marriage a marriage? But society says it's wrong for two men to love one another even though now it says it says that now it's OK? Is it OK because society says it's OK? What next? Dogs getting married? Could I marry my own son? No. Possibly not? Correct. Or is it? What I'm trying to say is that people should do whatever they want to do, at a temperature that suits them, within limits. Thank you. (Pretty sure someone's going to print that speech on a tea towel someday. Yeah, eat that, Obama. Fuck off, Mandela. Take that, Mark, I'm the best man. I'm the best man who ever lived.)
S1 E15Unfinished Business
It's Moroccan. Like my eyeshadow.
(This is a disaster. Joe thinks I'm an idiot. I'm not an idiot, I'm Paxman.) To be honest, uh, I've never really got it about Jesus. I mean, apart from all the Christian stuff, what did Jesus actually do?
What did Jesus do, apart from Christianity?
Yeah, put that aside.
The moral universe we all live in?
I'm not knocking the guy! I'm just saying, you know, apart from that, what did he actually achieve? You know I'm not saying I like him, but at least Hitler did some paintings.
Who's the most famous person you've life-coached?
Uh, I would probably have to say... (think of someone famous, think of someone famous) ...the Queen. (Interesting choice.)
The Queen?
Yeah. It was either the Queen, or, Jenson Button, but, in the end, I'd probably have to say the Queen.
41! I win! (What do I win - most physically defective male?)
I feel completely normal. But also, bit like I want to karate chop my hand through a very high stack of pappadams.
You could hold up a keema naan, and I could punch my fist through it.
Kung Food!
I don't like it. It smells of crime.
You'll be well compensated. Money up front. I'm talking five figures.
Five figures?
Well, there's a decimal place after the first three figures.
So three figures?
Five figures total. Three figures actual.
Is... is that him? Is that the robber? Shit! Where's the panic button? I can't find the panic button. I'm panicking and I can't find the panic...
Macchiato and a blueberry muffin, please.
A muffin? You're going to stand here waiting for a massacre eating a muffin?
What difference does it make?
Unbelievable. Uh, flat white extra hot and a biscotti. But this is on you! I'm holding you fully accountable.
I don't need to take a stupid IQ test to know that I'm three times as intelligent as you.
Oh, really? And what's three times a hundred and thirty-three?
(Three hundreds and thirty and thirty and thirty. But then all the threes, is it a trick question?) Mark no one does maths these days. We've all got calculators in our pockets, just like all our maths teachers said we wouldn't. Anyway this proves nothing. Probably most people are below average.
If you don't want to move in after all you don't have to bury me, just send a fucking text!
It's Ian. I can't find him anywhere. So many bloody kids. I need to somehow get them all cleared out. Maybe shout "fire" or I could tell the staff that you were a famous paedo. That would clear the place like Jaws at the beach.
A famous paedo?
What? You're very famous and easy about labels. You don't mind a bit of a "bad boy" rep.
It’s the journey of life. Radio 1, Radio 2, Classic FM, Heart, Magic, dead.
Love's hard mate. Fucking hard. Doesn't work... breaks. But you've got to give it a go. Norwich are never going to win the league, but they still turn up every week don't they? The pricks.
I mean, I know I'm not perfect. In fact, I'm not even probably average. I'm a misshapen potato. An oddball (Feel free to disagree, April!). I'm mean-spirited, and I only really like hearing about other people's holidays when they've been disastrous.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Peep Show pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.