Let me piss in that prayer bucket.
Prayer bucket?... [looking round] There's no such thing as... that's just a bucket.
Okay, I'm gonna creep up to the bucket...
No no no, you can't move!
What am I gonna do then? I can't hold on!
If you really can't hold it in, then you'll just have to... piss yourself.
...you're telling me to piss myself?
Yes, if you've got to go, piss yourself.
Is this what it's come to?
Great! And what shall I do after I piss myself? Fuck myself? Eat myself? You're such a... [he has begun to urinate]
Yes, I'm doing it already! I'm so pathetic, that as soon as you ordered me to piss myself I started the procedure. This is what you've done, you've ground down my sense of self-worth over the years; I hope you're proud!
When are you going to stop?
Stop, Jeremy. S-Stop it, it's- it's going down the cracks.
Oh, piss yourself, stop pissing yourself, it's not that simple! The flood gates are open!
I'm ordering you to stop!
You're being a real dick about this, aren't you!
PPriest
...but first I'm required to ask anyone present who knows the reason why these persons may not lawfully marry to declare it now.
(Oh please, someone save me! Jeremy? Spacemen?!)
PPriest
The vows you are about to take are to be made in the name of God, who is Judge of all and knows all the secrets of our hearts...
(He's ladelling it on now. Is that in the proper thing or has he just added that to needle me?)
[Sophie begins to cry]
(Oh great, now she's crying. I probably look like a wife beater. It's not fair! I'm unhappy too!)
PPriest
Will you take Sophie Hortensia Chapman...
("Hortensia"? Oh, this is a fucking disaster. Look at me! I'm one of those men women read about in their magazines!)
PPriest
...and forsaking all others, be faithful to her, as long as you both shall live?
I will. (That's it. I've ruined it! I've ruined my life! You only get one life, and I've ruined mine.)
PPriest
[to Sophie] ...as long as you both shall live?
(Please don't say "I will".)
PPriest
Then I now pronounce you man and wife. (both Mark and Sophie weep) You may kiss the bride.
[They kiss briefly]
(Tears of joy. They're tears of joy. That's the line we both stick to, now and for the rest of our miserable lives!)
[In the wedding car; Sophie is crying]
Come on Soph, you... you're worried about the caterers, aren't you? Not everyone will go for the tuna.
I just feel terrible, I feel like I've been shot in the stomach.
Don't say that, Sophs! It's done now, we... we're over the hump.
The hump! Our wedding the hump. [to driver] Stop the car! I just want to go and scrub it all out!
It's not that easy Soph, that - that was the Church of England marriage service, not applying for a Nectar card
Whatever - divorce, annullment, I - I can't - this isn't what I want! [gets out of the car] He's horrible! I- [breaks down completely]
(That's it. I'm alone. Tomorrow morning I'll wake up in my bed alone. Unless... I hire a prostitute. Just for the night. Kind of like a wedding present?)
[from outside] You okay, man?
Me? Yeah, good... no... feeling pretty good.
Do you want some... company?
[Jez gets in]
You know you really do smell quite strongly of piss.
Yes, and your hat and shoe smell of puke, so I guess neither of us are exactly the king, are we?
So... what now, back to the flat?
So, Nancy, did she not show up?
No, she did ... with Super Hans, so that's nice. I think I might divorce her, see how she likes that.
Well, I suppose I should apologize for not letting you go and get her.
Yeah, I was pretty pissed off about that. But, I was thinking of waiting for a bit before I brought it up.
Oh, that's nice. Thanks man.
It's fine. I'll just chuck it in with all my other moldering resentments.
Exactly. Stick it on the bill.
Mark, double date tonight?
No...what's she like...is she sexy?
Mark, beggars can't be choosers. She's an actual woman.
It's too early, I'm not into it. No, I'm still technically married. I'm not safe to be reintroduced into society yet.
[Jez has just been told he may have Chlamydia]
PPaula
Lots of times it's symptomless basically so it's just...
It's symptomless? Oh, right. So what's the biggie? I mean, no one minds if the invisible man comes to dinner. (Maybe I can get into this. Sexually transmitted disease. Sexually transmitted. Sexually. Sexy. I'm feeling sexy.)
PPaula
You haven't noticed any unusual discharge from your penis, have you?
[whispering] When do we get to go out?
[whispering] As far as I can make out, we get to go out for a bit in an hour, then we have to come back for two hours.
You're kidding. I think I'll die.
If this was on television, nobody would be watching.
Oh God. Why aren't we watching television? [...] I've got Heat on DVD at home. We're watching this, when for less money we could be watching Robert de Niro and Al Pacino.
I'm going to pretend I am watching Heat.
OK. Let's just pretend we're watching Heat.
[Jez has left the theatre early]
(This is amazing. I wasn't meant to be out 'till eleven, and it's not even nine. I've time travelled. I've made time! I could do anything. I'm golden!) [gives his ticket to a tramp] Here you go, mate. Go and see the second half. It's shit.
[Mark comes home to find the flat has been burgled]
Have you called the locksmith, have the police already been?
No, I thought I'd check with you first, coz, I mean what do you call?....or do you do it all online now?
