“God's Chillin'” · Season 1, Episode 3
In this episode: Augustus Hill (2), Tobias Beecher (2), Tim McManus (1), Vern Schillinger (1), Vernon Schillinger (1), Father Ray Mukada (1), Groves (1), James Devlin (1)
Wait, Father, maybe I'm a convert.
You can't become a Catholic just to get out of the hole. Come on.
No, no, wait. I've been reading a lot since I got here about different faiths and yours is pretty nifty.
Catholicism is nifty?
You have that whole mystical transabstentiation bit going.
That's right. The Eucharist becomes the body of Christ.
So you're actually eating his flesh and drinking his blood.
That's right.
Now how can I not get behind a religion like that?
Hey there, sweet pea. How was church? You feeling all sanctified and pure? Get undressed. We're taking a shower.
I already had a shower.
Oh, that's all right. When I'm done with you, you'll need another one.
In the beginning, God was nothingness. So he started making stuff. He made the dirt, he made the sky, he made the water, he made things that swim, things that slither, things with legs. I mean, God turned himself into a big shot. Then, in a couple of days, or a couple of million years, he breathed life into man. And he's been sucking the life out of us ever since.
You are creating a lot of the tension that we're dealing with right here.
How am I doing that?
Well, you ban smoking, you ban conjugals. Bit by bit you're stripping these men of their basic human needs.
This is a prison. These men are criminals. The whole point is to strip them of their basic human needs. If a kneejerk prissy liberal would see that we wouldn't be having the problems we're having today.
The campaign is over, Governor, so get off your soapbox.
McManus, when you look at me, what do you see?
A man.
You've heard of Olympus, right? Mount Olympus, ancient Greece, where the gods lived?
Yeah.
Well, it was a hierarchy, even among the gods. Mercury was lesser than Apollo, Apollo lesser than Zeus. Now, you run your cellblock and you think you're a god. Glynn runs the whole prison, he thinks he's a greater god. Well, guys, I am Zeus. I am omnipotent. I must be obeyed...or my thunderbolts will strike.
One of these Muslim monkeys was trying to tell me that Jesus was a nigger. He even quoted from the Bible trying to back his shit up.
Well, Jesus was from Judea so he was probably of an olive-colored skin.
Look at that picture there. Does that look like a nigger to you?
No.
You're getting awful mouthy, aren't you, prag?
No, sir. I am not, sir.
Yeah, I think I'm gonna have to teach you a lesson. Polish my boots.
Yes, sir.
With your tongue.
God knows he's perfect and we're not and we can never be but he expects us to be. And he punishes us if we're not, you know what I'm saying? God is the ultimate gangster. The supremo boss, you know what I mean? Forgiveness, live by his code. Deadness, if we don't. Yo, he never has to talk to us face to face and he never has to explain exactly why he does what he does. Know what I'm saying? Nigger sits up there in Heaven somewhere, drinking a cappuccino, chilling... [singing] "Got the whole world in his hands." He got the whole world by the balls. In excelsius deo and all that shit.
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