Pete quotes from Outnumbered

Karen

Can I go to Daisy’s sleepover?

Pete

No.

Karen

But why?

Pete

Because sleepovers are the invention of the devil.

Karen

But you let me go to Alexa’s sleepover…

Pete

Yes. And you watched The Hills Have Eyes and you didn’t sleep for six months. And then, when we drove to Bristol, you said the Cotswolds were staring at you.

Karen

But you always go out.

Pete

We haven’t been out for… (thinks) Nine months!

Karen

You went out that time not long ago…

Pete

To your parent’s evening.

Karen

Yes, but when you came in you smelled like pub.

Karen

One time I woke up and I only had four fingers like The Simpsons, and I went into Ben's room and he had - he had my finger sellotaped on, so he had - (counts quickly under her breath) he had six fingers all in one hand.

Pete

Are you sure that's a dream? That does sound like something Ben might do.

Karen

How can you not like somebody you've never met?

Sue

Good point, Karen.

Karen

Yes, you should only hate people you know.

Sue

Ye...er...

Karen

Like Miss Braybrook.

Sue

But you love Miss Braybrook! She's the reason you're Christian!

Karen

Not any more, that's all rubbish.

Pete

Rubbish is a bit harsh.

Karen

I don't believe in God anymore, I'm a Satanist.

Pete

I think that's an atheist. Satanists...do things to goats.

Pete

You have to treat everybody's views whatever they believe with equal respect don't you?

Karen

What? Even idiots?

Karen

How do they decide which laws to make?

Pete

Well, they read the Daily Mail...and do what it says.

Karen

What does the HMS Belfast have to do with World War Two?

Pete

Well, it was an important ship in World War Two that was converted into a museum about World War Two.

Karen

So it's all about World War Two?

Pete

Well there's a tiny bit about what happened to the ship when it was decommissioned after the war but...

Karen

I don't want to see that because I want to win the school prize for best project on World War Two.

Pete

What's the prize?

Karen

It's a trip to the HMS Belfast.

Ben

When are you going to the hospital so the doctors can put the camera up your bottom?

Pete

Erm, Monday. Why?

Ben

Well, can you ask if you can keep the film? Only I'd like to take it into class for show and tell.

Pete

Don't play the therapist with me.

Sue

Pete.

He's one of those guys who thinks that Charltons should become psychotherapists.

Pete

Yeah, and Serbian war criminals.

Sue

Pete!

Whoa, Hugh Grant.

Pete

And if you call me Hugh Grant, one more time. I'm going to take your Platinum Visa card. And I'm going to shove it right up your...

I want my mom!

It's alright sweetie.

No! I want my real mom!

I..I'll pop back in a tick. (Kelly quietly walks away.)

Jake

It's just an essay. It's easy.

Pete

Well, what's it about?

Jake

The Romantic poets.

Pete

Why's that easy?

Jake

'Cos there's just not much to say.

Pete

(reads) "The Romantic poets were a bunch of emos."

Sue

What's happening?

Pete

Just two Father Christmases trying to beat the crap out of each other.