Jake quotes from Outnumbered

Jake

Dad’s a terrorist!

Pete

How’s school?

Jake

It’s school.

Pete

It was cool?

Jake

It was school. School’s school! Jesus!

Jake

Do dinner parties always end like that?

Pete

The ones when your Auntie Angela is invited do.

Sue

They didn't say anything on their website about it being flat packed!

Jake

Is some furniture not flat packed, then?

Jake

(while the family is playing board games) Fat, gold guy.

Pete

Goldfinger. David Dickinson.

Jake

He's like a god.

Pete

Who is he?

Jake

Buddha.

Pete

The divine inspiration for hundreds of millions of people... "fat, gold guy"?

Pete

You got yourself a coffee?

Jake

Yeah. Double espresso.

Pete

A double espresso?

Jake

Well, you're one who's telling me to like, try new things all the time.

Pete

Yeah but I meant vegetables and stuff, not stimulants, you've never had caffeine before, I -

Jake

Don't get in a state. I only drank half of it.

Pete

Oh. Okay.

Jake

Ben drank the other half.

Pete

(pauses) You let Ben drink a double espresso?!

Ben

It tasted horrible to begin with, but then I added five spoonfuls of sugar and now I feel all zingy zangy zongy!

Pete

"Zingy. Zangy. Zongy."

Ben

I feel like lightning!

Pete

Oh my god...

Granddad

(flipping through television channels) This is crap. So's that. That really IS crap! Good God Almighty! What's that woman doing? Why is she staring at the contents of that bloke's toilet?

Jake

That's Dr. Gillian McKeith, granddad.

Granddad

Eh?

Jake

That's what she does. She looks down other people's toilets.

Jake

Ben! Ben, Mum said you have to come downstairs.

Ben

But it was him!

Jake

Ben, Barack Obama does not drive a number forty-two bus!

Ben

He's the leader of the free world. He can do what he wants.

Jake

And anyway, what about those magazines you buy? Those celebrities probably don't want those pictures taken, yet you still go out and buy the magazines.

Sue

Well...I don't BUY them. I occasionally pick them up off trains. And bring them home...to recycle.

Ben

Who's that woman with the black thing over her head?

Jake

That's the burka, Ben. She wears it because she's a Muslim.

Ben

Do boys wear 'em? Because it'd be cool if you were at school 'cos you could like - text under there and you could like, change your pants and nobody would know!

Ben

Urgh, God! What the hell is that? Urgh!

Jake

It's just a special kind of kiss. A French kiss, that's all.

Ben

I'm never going to France if they do that there! What the hell is wrong with him, is he a vampire?

Jake

It's just an essay. It's easy.

Pete

Well, what's it about?

Jake

The Romantic poets.

Pete

Why's that easy?

Jake

'Cos there's just not much to say.

Pete

(reads) "The Romantic poets were a bunch of emos."

Jake

So Ottfried, what other British TV do you like?

Well, I like Ricky Gervais, and I like...this other comedian. He plays a character, a very funny character, a fat politician, and he has funny blonde hair, he sometimes cycles, I see him on a bike, sometimes, on the television.

Jake

Do you mean Boris Johnson?

Yes, Boris Johnson, he's so funny. You like him also?

Jake

No, Ottfried, he's the mayor of London.

Yes, he plays the mayor of London, a very stupid politician, very funny...