Ben quotes from Outnumbered

Ben

What the hell have you done to my room? It's full of...floor!

Ben

Can I watch Little Britain?

Pete

Have a guess.

Ben

Yes.

Pete

Have another guess.

Ben

I've been on my best behaviour all day long.

Pete

You were specifically told "no fighting, no swearing, and no drinking alcohol" and I caught you bashing this kid's head on the floor shouting "Don't touch my bloody beer!"

Ben

But he was disrespecting me.

Pete

You got yourself a coffee?

Jake

Yeah. Double espresso.

Pete

A double espresso?

Jake

Well, you're one who's telling me to like, try new things all the time.

Pete

Yeah but I meant vegetables and stuff, not stimulants, you've never had caffeine before, I -

Jake

Don't get in a state. I only drank half of it.

Pete

Oh. Okay.

Jake

Ben drank the other half.

Pete

(pauses) You let Ben drink a double espresso?!

Ben

It tasted horrible to begin with, but then I added five spoonfuls of sugar and now I feel all zingy zangy zongy!

Pete

"Zingy. Zangy. Zongy."

Ben

I feel like lightning!

Pete

Oh my god...

Granddad

Who's your favourite Beatle?

Ben

Ringo Starr.

Granddad

Why?

Ben

He's called Ringo Starr!

Jake

Ben! Ben, Mum said you have to come downstairs.

Ben

But it was him!

Jake

Ben, Barack Obama does not drive a number forty-two bus!

Ben

He's the leader of the free world. He can do what he wants.

Sue

I was sorting out the computer after it crashed, and I noticed that someone had downloaded an inappropriate image. Was it you?

Ben

Well, it could be. Was it the farting nun?

Sue

No Ben, it was not the farting nun.

Ben

Was it the tree man?

Sue

Ben -

Ben

Or was it that creepy dude who can lift things up with his mind, that's cool, or is it that evil clown song -

Sue

Ben!

Ben

Oh, I know! Was it the Pekingese dog on the lawnmower? Because that made me want to throw up.

Ben

When are you going to the hospital so the doctors can put the camera up your bottom?

Pete

Erm, Monday. Why?

Ben

Well, can you ask if you can keep the film? Only I'd like to take it into class for show and tell.

Ben

So your husband's black.

Yes.

Ben

You're white. So your baby could be black or white?

Erm, most likely something in between -

Ben

But not stripy?

Hey fella! I'm Brick!

Ben

Brick?

Yeah, Brick.

Ben

Is that a name?

Ben

Who's that woman with the black thing over her head?

Jake

That's the burka, Ben. She wears it because she's a Muslim.

Ben

Do boys wear 'em? Because it'd be cool if you were at school 'cos you could like - text under there and you could like, change your pants and nobody would know!

Ben

Urgh, God! What the hell is that? Urgh!

Jake

It's just a special kind of kiss. A French kiss, that's all.

Ben

I'm never going to France if they do that there! What the hell is wrong with him, is he a vampire?

Ben

Is this fruit bread mouldy?

Sue

That's not even fruit bread. Bung it in the compost.