Pete quotes from Outnumbered

Pete

"You could do with Ramadan lasting all year round, couldn't you Kamal?"

Pete

Why did you let Ben in the garden with the hose? The big no-noes: Ben and water, Ben and fire, Ben and depilatory cream.

Pete

[On the FIFA video game series] On Playstation you only get to control one player at a time, while the others all charge about randomly like...England.

Pete

So Ben sent an email pretending to be you?

Karen

Mum!

Sue

Well, actually -

Karen

Mum!

Sue

She's got nits. I'm halfway through.

Pete

Oh God, it's these parents isn't it? They know their kids have got them and they just merrily pack them off to school.

Sue

(grimacing guiltily) I know.

Pete

Oh no. You're not checking your email.

Sue

There's one from Veronica.

Pete

Especially not one from Veronica.

Sue

Oh no, Veronica. No. I am not having that.

Pete

No, don't reply. That's fatal because then she'll reply and then you'll be tempted to reply to her reply and then you'll get caught up in that Pandora's...circle.

Sue

Is she eating?

Pete

She keeps banging on about how that's not her bowl.

Sue

It's not her bowl, because I broke her bowl this morning and had to drive all the way to Ikea to get her one that's identical but it IS identical.

Pete

Then how does she know it's not her bowl?

Sue

I dunno. She must have...powers!

Pete

How’s school?

Jake

It’s school.

Pete

It was cool?

Jake

It was school. School’s school! Jesus!

I’m Rory’s dad – Steven. Ben’s told us all about you. He’s quite a kid, isn’t he?

Pete

Yes, he’s quite a kid.

He’s told us all about you.

Pete

Has he?

Oh yes, he’s obviously very proud. So tell me, what’s Gordon Brown really like?

Ben

Can I watch Little Britain?

Pete

Have a guess.

Ben

Yes.

Pete

Have another guess.

Jake

Do dinner parties always end like that?

Pete

The ones when your Auntie Angela is invited do.

Karen

But I'm allergic to them!

Pete

You are not allergic to peas. No one's allergic to peas. No one in the world is allergic to peas!

Karen

How do you know, because you - you haven't asked the people and - even if you did, I know you'd be lying because you can't speak Indian, you can't speak Japanese, you can't speak - you can't speak Australian or any of that!

Ben

I've been on my best behaviour all day long.

Pete

You were specifically told "no fighting, no swearing, and no drinking alcohol" and I caught you bashing this kid's head on the floor shouting "Don't touch my bloody beer!"

Ben

But he was disrespecting me.

Jake

(while the family is playing board games) Fat, gold guy.

Pete

Goldfinger. David Dickinson.

Jake

He's like a god.

Pete

Who is he?

Jake

Buddha.

Pete

The divine inspiration for hundreds of millions of people... "fat, gold guy"?

Pete

You got yourself a coffee?

Jake

Yeah. Double espresso.

Pete

A double espresso?

Jake

Well, you're one who's telling me to like, try new things all the time.

Pete

Yeah but I meant vegetables and stuff, not stimulants, you've never had caffeine before, I -

Jake

Don't get in a state. I only drank half of it.

Pete

Oh. Okay.

Jake

Ben drank the other half.

Pete

(pauses) You let Ben drink a double espresso?!

Ben

It tasted horrible to begin with, but then I added five spoonfuls of sugar and now I feel all zingy zangy zongy!

Pete

"Zingy. Zangy. Zongy."

Ben

I feel like lightning!

Pete

Oh my god...

Pete

Did you know he had the knife?

Sue

No, I didn't know he had the knife. Or the fish skeleton. Or the doll's head with the little hermit crab in it.