Karen quotes from Outnumbered

Karen

(sees Angela crying) Has Grandad died?

Karen

Brethrens, we are gathered here in the bosom of Jesus to say goodbye to this, to this mouse, killed before its time. We have given it cheese and bread for its journey to heaven, or at least if it goes to hell, it'll have cheese on toast. Next up is the Pope. Dust to dust, for richer or for poorer, in sickness or in health, may the force be with you, because you're worth it, amen and out. Thank you, Pope.

Karen

When professional tennis women play tennis, everytime they hit the ball they go UGGHH! And then they sit down and eat a banana.

Pete

So Ben sent an email pretending to be you?

Karen

Mum!

Sue

Well, actually -

Karen

Mum!

Sue

She's got nits. I'm halfway through.

Pete

Oh God, it's these parents isn't it? They know their kids have got them and they just merrily pack them off to school.

Sue

(grimacing guiltily) I know.

Karen

I like Auntie Angela.

Sue

That's lovely, sweetheart. Erm, anyway, let's get on with the game.

Karen

That was part of the game.

Karen

What does it feel like to be old? Is it nice?

Granddad

Beats being dead.

Karen

Mummy, do you believe in God?

Sue

Mummy's unblocking the sink, darling.

Karen

But I'm allergic to them!

Pete

You are not allergic to peas. No one's allergic to peas. No one in the world is allergic to peas!

Karen

How do you know, because you - you haven't asked the people and - even if you did, I know you'd be lying because you can't speak Indian, you can't speak Japanese, you can't speak - you can't speak Australian or any of that!

Karen

His name is Bob and he is a builder.

Sue

BO..oh... (thinking) BOB THE BUILDER!

Karen

Can I go to Daisy’s sleepover?

Pete

No.

Karen

But why?

Pete

Because sleepovers are the invention of the devil.

Karen

But you let me go to Alexa’s sleepover…

Pete

Yes. And you watched The Hills Have Eyes and you didn’t sleep for six months. And then, when we drove to Bristol, you said the Cotswolds were staring at you.

Karen

But you always go out.

Pete

We haven’t been out for… (thinks) Nine months!

Karen

You went out that time not long ago…

Pete

To your parent’s evening.

Karen

Yes, but when you came in you smelled like pub.

Karen

One time I woke up and I only had four fingers like The Simpsons, and I went into Ben's room and he had - he had my finger sellotaped on, so he had - (counts quickly under her breath) he had six fingers all in one hand.

Pete

Are you sure that's a dream? That does sound like something Ben might do.

Karen

How can you not like somebody you've never met?

Sue

Good point, Karen.

Karen

Yes, you should only hate people you know.

Sue

Ye...er...

Karen

Like Miss Braybrook.

Sue

But you love Miss Braybrook! She's the reason you're Christian!

Karen

Not any more, that's all rubbish.

Pete

Rubbish is a bit harsh.

Karen

I don't believe in God anymore, I'm a Satanist.

Pete

I think that's an atheist. Satanists...do things to goats.

Pete

You have to treat everybody's views whatever they believe with equal respect don't you?

Karen

What? Even idiots?

Karen

How do they decide which laws to make?

Pete

Well, they read the Daily Mail...and do what it says.

Karen

What does the HMS Belfast have to do with World War Two?

Pete

Well, it was an important ship in World War Two that was converted into a museum about World War Two.

Karen

So it's all about World War Two?

Pete

Well there's a tiny bit about what happened to the ship when it was decommissioned after the war but...

Karen

I don't want to see that because I want to win the school prize for best project on World War Two.

Pete

What's the prize?

Karen

It's a trip to the HMS Belfast.