[Palmer stops the suspect fleeing by crashing his car.]
Gibbs: What the hell were you thinking?!
Palmer: I did not get out of the car.

[searching a Naval officer's house]
Tony: [gasps] It can't be! Do you realize what we have here?
Ziva: Another ugly shirt?
Tony: This is an authentic "Magnum, P.I." Jungle Bird design! 100% cotton, bamboo buttons, "Made in Hawaii" label! Come on, this is the Holy Grail of Aloha garments!
McGee: That's great.
Tony: Eight seasons Magnum wore this shirt, putting up with Higgins and those stupid dogs. [imitating Higgins] "Zeus! Apollo!"
[N.B. Series creator Donald Bellasario also created and executive-produced "Magnum, P.I."]

[searching a Naval officer's house]
Ziva: Once he saw us at Norfolk, he must have taken a kite.
Tony: Hike. The expression is taking a hike.
McGee: She may have had it confused with �go fly a kite.��
Ziva: I speak five languages, forgive me if I get confused sometimes. I found his bank book.
Tony: Check book.
Ziva: Whatever you call it. His deposits seem high.
Tony: Where you come from, they may seem high but here in the good ol' U.S. of A... [sees the checkbook] These are really, really high.
[A sound is heard elsewhere in the house. All three of them draw their guns.]
Ziva: I think it's the-
Tony: Shh!
[They walk to the kitchen and open the cupboard, a marmoset shrieks, Tony jumps]
Tony: It's a...
Ziva: It's a marmoset.
McGee: Actually, that's a capuchin.

[The team arrives at the scene, a police officer greets Tony]
Officer: Special Agent Gibbs?
Tony: Uh, no... he's the older gentleman with the smile on his face.
[Chuckles and points to a stern-faced Gibbs who is briskly walking past them to the crime scene]

[The team is sitting in a car parked at the docks, watching a freighter]
Tony: This is so "Usual Suspects"...
Ziva: Tony, your dying words would be, "I've seen this film."

[The team tracks their kidnap victim's cell phone to two teens sneaking beer in the woods.]
Ziva: Who's on the phone?
Danny: Uh, my girlfriend.
[Ziva takes the phone.]
Ziva: [sexy voice] Hi... [giggles] Oh, my God, don't touch me there!
Danny's Girlfriend: What?
Ziva: He's gonna have to call you back, bye!
Danny's Girlfriend: Wait a second...!
Ziva: [hangs up, to Danny] You're busted.

[The team's search leads them to a storage container, which they find being used as an office crammed full of technology, supplies, and weapons]
McGee: [looking around the container] Wow. This is like the TARDIS.
Tony: Tard-what?
McGee: It's the contraption that Doctor Who travels through time in. Never mind.
Tony: Doctor Who? Who watches that?

[Tony & Gibbs have just found Abby, (who is in a very "Wonder Woman" pose) repeatedly shocking the hitman with her stun gun]
Abby: I'll be with you in a minute, Gibbs. [continues shocking the man] And don't look up my skirt!
Gibbs: [laughing, nods in approval] Okay.

[Tony and Kate are having a food fight]
Gibbs: Any more food fights in here, I'm joining in. With peas.
Kate: Frozen peas?
Gibbs: Nope. In the can.

[Tony and McGee are driving through the Somali desert in a Jeep, in the middle of a sandstorm]
McGee: (speaking loudly) Thanks for volunteering me.
Tony: C'mon. You said you always wanted to travel.
McGee: On my own time.
Tony: On your own dime? Are you crazy, you could never afford this!

[Tony and Tara inside the elevator]
Tony: For some reason you can see right through my disguise.
Tara: How bad's the dry spell?
Tony: Saharan.
Tara: Never been a problem before?
Tony: You kidding me? Not since Lisa Mullen taught me to play doctor in the second grade.
Tara: What's changed?
Tony: Real doctor, real love, real bad breakup.
Tara: Messed you up pretty bad, huh?
Tony: Kicked off a slump with women that's unprecedented in my adult life. I've tried everything. I mean, I'm dating constantly, but I can't seem to get it right. I'm not closing the deal, you know? Like there's a saboteur in my head. I'm making every rookie mistake. I'm talking about myself too much at dinner. I mean, I'm talking about my ex, I'm talking about my feelings, I...I scare 'em off.
Tara: Crying.
Tony: Ha! DiNozzo men don't cry.
Tony: Let's skip to the last step.
Tara: That's easy. Pick the right woman. [At that very moment Tara flips the switch to open the elevator doors and to reveal Ziva behind them]

[Tony and Ziva are Abby's lab attempting to piece together the burnt pages of the book]
Ziva: Tony, you're hogging the end pieces!
Tony: That's because I start with the end pieces. Haven't you ever done a puzzle before? You go out to in.
Ziva: Have you ever done a puzzle before? Because you work in to out!
Abby: [laughing at their bickering] Will you guys stop? I'm trying to read here.

[Tony and Ziva in plain clothes get caught by a gun-holding security officer while searching a suspect's house]
Tony: Relax, quickdraw, we're Feds.
Security Officer: Yeah? What agency?
Tony/Ziva: NCIS.
Security Officer: Never heard of it.
Ziva: Naval Criminal Investigative...
Security Officer: Never-heard-of-it.
Tony: [sighs] Never actually get used to that. You think you will, but you never do.

[Tony and Ziva yelling into their desk telephones]
Tony: I already rebooted the system, Frank! Twice!
Ziva: Four hours! Four hours! That is how long I waited for your cable repairman! Four hours!
Tony: You already said that! No! I will not reboot again! I will never reboot it again!
Ziva: Reschedule?! So you can waste another Saturday?!
Tony: Just tell me you have no idea how to fix the problem, then we can both get on with our lives!
[Tony and Ziva slam their phones down in disgust]
Ziva: Someone will die today.

[Tony emails Kate an old picture of her winning a wet t-shirt contest.]
Kate: Where did you get this?!
Tony: Wet T-shirt Wall Of Fame, Spring Break '94. Saw it when I was in Panama City last month.
Kate: Oh, my God...
Tony: Yeah, I was going to keep it to myself, but then you decided to tell everyone my pledge name!
Kate: You wouldn't dare!
Tony: Oh?