Tony: At least I don't hang out with married people.
Kate: [to Abby] Would you please tell him that a man and a woman can just be friends?
Abby: Absolutely they can.
Tony: Without having sex?
Abby: Oh no, they'll have sex.
Kate: Abby?!
Abby: What? Come on, Kate, haven't you ever slept with a friend?
Kate: [upset] What is wrong with you people?
Gibbs: [steps in] Good question, Kate.

Tony: Baby, I'm amazed. A maze of maize.
Ziva: What?!
Tony: Maize. It's the Indian word for corn.
Ziva: The Indian word for corn is maki.
Tony: Not Indians from India! Indians from, you know, here!
Ziva: Well if they were Indians from here then we would be called American Indians, you dork.
Tony: [laughs] They'd be called Native Americans, Miss Citizenship Test.

Tony: Boss, I don't know if you want to see this but you probably should...

Tony: Boss, I've been running bank records on each Marine in Ellis' unit. So far only two Marines, including First Sergeant Tibbins, accepted a bribe: four grand a piece.
Gibbs: Ho, ho, ho. Merry Christmas.
Ziva: All the money was drawn from the same overseas account and deposited around the same time.
Gibbs: It's a dummy corp.
Tony: Interpol's checking into it.
Gibbs: Tell them to check faster.
Tony: You do it. Not you, boss. You! I mean, how many languages do you speak, anyway?
Ziva: Including the language of love, ten.

Tony: Computer monitors, clandestine meetings in Vance's office; you're up to something, McDevious. I can tell. Wait a second! Are you finally getting that sex change operation? Good for you, McGee. Or is it McShe? No judgement! I'm proud of you.
McGee: Look, Director Vance offered me a job promotion, okay? As head of the cyber division in Okinawa.
Tony: That's it?
McGee: Yes.
Tony: Well everybody knows that, Tim. Good for you. It's fantastic. You've gotta take that opportunity. The last cyber agent? He's at Microsoft now.
McGee: Yeah, as head of security. The guy's a rockstar.
Tony: Let's not get carried away.
McGee: Why are you being so normal about all this? Your sincerity is disconcerting.
Tony: You prefer I attack you with some kind of sarcastic, hostile remark?
McGee: Sort of, yeah. What do I do?
Tony: It's your choice, but I'd trust my gut. It's what Gibbs would do.

Tony: Cool it, Nick.
(Tony drags him towards the elevator as Ziva laughs)

Tony: Dear God... someone fed him after midnight.
Ziva: Jimmy, what happened to you?
Palmer: It turns out I am really allergic to henna. I can't reach back there, so do you think you guys could...?
Tony: I'm late for a squash game!
Ziva: I'm sorry, I've got to get the hell out of here.
Palmer: Please, guys! It really itches!
[Tony and Ziva make a run for the elevator, Jimmy runs after them.]
Tony: That's what girlfriends are for!
Palmer: I can get the top part!
Tony: Stay, stay, stay!
[They try to fend him off, but Jimmy gets on the elevator with them; all arguing at once.]
Ziva: No, no, no! Please, do not... that could be very contagious! I may have to hurt you massively.
Tony: She'll do it, she'll do it!
Palmer: I would do it for you!
Ziva: No, you wouldn't!
[Elevator doors close]

Tony: Delivery complete.
Gibbs: That's good work, Tony.
Tony: Thanks, Boss. That means a lot.
Gibbs: If NCIS doesn't work out I hear General Wee's Chinese Restaurant is hiring.

Tony: Did you see that?
Ziva: See what?
Tony: A wink.
Ziva: Director Vance winked?
Tony: I think he winked. Unless he was prepping his eye for the scanner, but --
Ziva: Why would it matter if he winked?
Tony: Because that's what he and Gibbs do. They have this whole wink-wink, nudge-nudge language. Vance can't green light an op. He expects us to pick up the slack when we see it.
Ziva: You see slack.
Tony: I don't know. Did you see a wink?

Tony: First the plague, now radiation poisoning. I'm starting to think someone really has it in for me.
McGee: I was there, too, near the car, you know.
Ziva: We all were.
McGee: But don't let that stop you from thinking about yourself.
Tony: This isn't about me! It's about my little DiNozzo makers! They've been nuked!
McGee: I know!
Tony: Do you?! I mean, sure, Tim, your kids are going to be smart, [Ziva rolls her eyes and walks away] but mine have a shot at being really beautiful.

Tony: Fruit of the month might be good. Maybe a foot massager.
McGee: Tony, I never pegged you as a catalog shopper.
Tony: Well, that's because I'm not, tiny Tim, but desperate times call for desperate measures. I took these from my neighbor's doorstep.
Ziva: You stole them?
Tony: The doorstep is considered a common area. I would never steal mail, that's a federal offense. Oh! Hold the phone Malone! A little bit of lingerie! Nice! What do you get for the shrew who has everything?
Ziva: Is this for the secret Santa?
Tony: How did I end up with Dolores Brahmstead from Human Resources? She's a miserable grinch of a woman.
McGee: I can't argue with you there. I once wished her a happy Valentine's Day and she claimed sexual harassment.
Tony: Have you ever seen her smile?
McGee: No.
Ziva: Stop it both of you! She is a single, middle aged, lonely woman. Have some compassion!
Tony: It must be tough, living up there on Mount Crumpet. Plotting to take Christmas away from poor Cindy Loo Who.

Tony: Get any more hits on our secret thing?
Abby: Do you know how busy I've been?
Tony: I know how busy you've been.
Abby: Okay, just asking. We got one hit, but it is a doozy. Guy on the right, Michael Rivkin, our supposed Israeli banker. Guy on the left, director of Mossad, Eli David. Also known as --
Tony: Ziva's father.
Abby: She must know Rivkin.
Tony: You don't ask her. You don't breathe a word of this, Abby. [Deletes file]
Abby: Tony.
Tony: I mean it.

Tony: He got a name?
Ziva: Who?
Tony: The star of David.
Ziva: Oh, him. Yes, he has a name.
Tony: Trevor? Bruce? Marmaduke?
Ziva: Michael.
Tony: Hm. He sounded more like a Bruce than a Michael on the phone.
Gibbs: Okay, grab your toothbrush.
McGee: Road trip?
Gibbs: Los Angeles.
Tony: Cali-for-ni-ay. What time do we leave?
Gibbs: Not we. [Points to McGee]
Tony: McGee? Not me? McGoo? You?!

Tony: He was Kai-jacked!
McGee: Did you just say that?
Tony: I regret it already.

Tony: Hey, Abs. Gibbs sent me down to find out what you found out.
Abby: What are you talking about?
Tony: You know, that thing you're working on for him.
Abby: Tony, I'm not telling you anything about your father's case. My lips are sealed.
Tony: [scoffs] Come on, I'm just doing -- [Abby steps in his way] -- I'm desperate, Abby.
Abby: I'm sorry. [hugs Tony]] Now leave and consider yourself banished.
Tony: [attempts to step around Abby, fails, and picks up a test tube] What's this?
Abby: Your father's urine.
Tony: I'm going.