Tony: Hey, boss, good news: a guy fitting Malloy's description just paid cash for a ticket to Glasgow.
Royal Marine/MI6 agent Major Malloy: It wasn't me.
Ziva: Gibbs, where did you find him?
Gibbs: I didn't. He found me. Ziva, you watch him. You watch him like Syria, not Switzerland.

Tony: Hey, talk to me, Abs! Here you go. [Hands her a Caf-Pow!]
Abby: Thank you, Gibbs.
Tony: Abby?
Abby: I was just examining the evidence from the murder scene, Gibbs.
Tony: Abby?
Abby: The room was, luckily, really clean, because, you know, hotel rooms, they can be a forensic scientists' biggest nightmare, Gibbs.
Tony: Abby! I'm not Gibbs!
Abby: Yes, you are, because if you're not, there's a problem. And after Sister Rosita spraining her ankle after the sixth frame, and Mr. Giggles escaping --
Tony: Mr. Giggles?!
Abby: Stay on topic, Gibbs.
Tony: Not Gibbs!
Abby: Okay. Tell me. I can take it.
Tony: Well, he's just upstairs --
Abby: Wait! I can't.
Tony: Rule 38. [Indicating that if it's your case, you're the boss]
Abby: Oh! [smiles brightly]

Tony: How did it go with my father last night? Where is he?
Gibbs: Autopsy.
Tony: [deadpan] You shot him. I can't say I blame you.

Tony: How long were you guys there?
Ziva: Long enough. So, you are getting a new roommate?
Tony: We're discussing it.
Ziva: What is there to discuss?
Tony: It's complicated.
Ziva: Complicated, complicated, complicated. You know, in America I have noticed the use of that word as a code for 'if I explain it, you would not agree, therefore I will use the word "complicated" and hopefully you will stop asking!'
Tony: That's pretty much it in a nutshell. I'm going to go see what Abby wants...
Ziva: Tony.
Tony: Ziva... if you're going to give me advice on dating, I'm going to need to get something out of my system first, okay? [laughs heartily]
Ziva: Stop laughing or I will hurt you.

Tony: How much longer are we going to be stuck in here? Hello?! Anybody!
Ziva: It's been hours, Tony. I cannot take much more of this.
Tony: What's that supposed to mean? I suppose it is getting a little ripe in here.
Ziva: I'm not ripe! You, on the other hand, are pungent!
Tony: [sniffs himself and coughs] Well, it could be worse. You could be stuck in this tin can with Miguel from human resources.
Ziva: [laughs] He sweats more than anyone I've ever known.
Tony: How about Jeremy from office operations? That guy. He's always undressing you with his eyes. I mean, he's fun, but a little creepy.
Ziva: Hey, what if one of those men is dead?
[They sit in silence but are startled at a knock, then the doors open]
Abby: [shoves the fireman out of the way] There you are!
Ziva: Abby, I've never been more happy to see your gorgeous face.
Abby: You guys must be ready to kill each other. I mean, I can't think of who I'd want to be stuck in an elevator with, except maybe Amelia Earhart, or Michelle Obama, or Joan of Arc, or the whole cast of Cirque du Soleil in case I got bored I could --
Tony and Ziva: Abby!

Tony: How old do you guys think I am?
Ziva: Physically or mentally?

Tony: I bet Abby could last longer than ten seconds playing random chat.
Ziva: You are obsessed.
Tony: You wouldn't understand.
Ziva: Why is that?
Tony: Because, being irritating is second nature to you. Me, I'm charming.
Ziva: [scoffs]

Tony: I didn't think you would notice!
Kate: Oh stealing food is okay if no one notices!
Tony: It wasn't stealing, it was sharing.
Kate: It was my lunch! I don't want to share my lunch!
Tony: See you just said it was sharing!
Ducky: Excuse me. Show a little respect, this is a place of peace and dignity.
Tony: That was before Kate got here.

Tony: I get it. It must have been tough. Your wife dies and you're left with an eight year old kid, but your solution, Dad, was to warehouse me in boarding schools and summer camps, and half the time I never knew where you were or what you were doing. I needed a closer relationship.
DiNozzo, Sr.: You forget, we took some great vacations together.
Tony: Like the trip to Maui where you left me in a hotel room for two days and I was twelve years old?!

Tony: I had a bad feeling about that guy. His teeth sparkled.
Ziva: Meaning?
Tony: Meaning no one has teeth that white unless they have something to hide.

Tony: I hate libraries.
McGee: Another one of your fears?
Tony: Don't mock me.
McGee: What's to hate about libraries?
Tony: The smell gets me every time.
McGee: Yeah? What does a library smell like?
Tony: Lonely, smart people. [laughs]

Tony: I have a problem with your boyfriend killing our two prime suspects.
Ziva: Really? In my country that would be cause for celebration!
Tony: Well, you aren't in your country and neither is he!

Tony: I have to break one of your rules, boss. Number six: never say you're sorry. I let things get out of control in the hotel room.
Gibbs: Ah, it's covered. Rule eighteen.
Tony: Oh, yeah. It's better to seek forgiveness than ask permission. Am I forgiven?
Gibbs: No. You've been distracted by your father.
Tony: It's that obvious?

Tony: I hope you didn't break his computer. He doesn't like that thing even when it's working.
McGee: I should have listened to my horoscope. It said I should stay home today.
Ziva: [laughs] Your horoscope?
Tony: What else did it say?
McGee: Avoid new relationships, which after last week probably isn't a bad idea either. [looks up as Tony laughs] What's so funny?
Tony: Oh, just that you think you have a choice.
Ziva: And that you read your horoscope.
McGee: Oh, just for fun, but it has been interesting. I have been thinking about taking a break from dating for a while. [makes a face as Tony laughs again] Okay, now what's so funny?
Tony: Same thing.
McGee: Thanks for the confidence, Tony.

Tony: I just sort of feel like you can use negative space to push the image, you know? It's sort of like a geometrical thing with the light coming across. I was trying to use these geometric lines and spacing. Sometimes I think maybe I should have done something more creative with my life.
Nora Williams: No, I think you're in the right profession.
Tony: All right, Annie Leibowitz, what's wrong with my pictures?
Nora: Well, they're sort of soulless. Analytical. They look like postcards or --
Ziva: Crime scene photos.
Nora: You just need people in them. happy people-
Ziva: living people.