Mystery Science Theater 3000 quotes
1930 total quotes[Mr. B appears in the music store and begins talking.]
Joel [as Buzz]: [in a panicky voice] Mom, Dad, tell me you heard that!
Joel [as Buzz]: [in a panicky voice] Mom, Dad, tell me you heard that!
[Mr. B dances to some music.]
Crow: He's so perky... kill her.
Servo: See, Buzz? It's really fun to be psychotic.
Crow: He's so perky... kill her.
Servo: See, Buzz? It's really fun to be psychotic.
[Mr. B Natural cavorts before the lifesized musical staff as "his" instruments play together.]
Joel: You know, I think Oscar Wilde only wished he was this gay, you know?
Servo: Ladies and gentlemen, please accept our sincere apology for all of this. Please.
Crow [as Buzz]: Forget music, I wanna dance!
Joel: You know, I think Oscar Wilde only wished he was this gay, you know?
Servo: Ladies and gentlemen, please accept our sincere apology for all of this. Please.
Crow [as Buzz]: Forget music, I wanna dance!
[Mr. B Natural is talking about joining the school band.]
Mr. B Natural: And wait 'til you see the kicks you get out of it, Buzz.
Servo: Kicks!
Mr. B Natural: The glamour of the uniform...
Servo: Kicks!
Mr. B Natural: The thrill of traveling for a band competition...
Servo: The all-night coke jags in cheap motels!
Mr. B Natural: ...just like being in a football team, and best of all, Buzz, fun, fun, fun!
Crow [as Buzz]: Yeah, that's nice... MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
Mr. B Natural: And wait 'til you see the kicks you get out of it, Buzz.
Servo: Kicks!
Mr. B Natural: The glamour of the uniform...
Servo: Kicks!
Mr. B Natural: The thrill of traveling for a band competition...
Servo: The all-night coke jags in cheap motels!
Mr. B Natural: ...just like being in a football team, and best of all, Buzz, fun, fun, fun!
Crow [as Buzz]: Yeah, that's nice... MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
[Mr. Barnes is in the middle of explaining the importance of taking an industrial arts course to Joe. However, his speech is monotonous, and he speaks haltingly.]
Mr. Barnes: [We'll need] carpenters.
Servo [as Mr. Barnes]: [woodenly] We'll need actors. People who can read. Lines with... and interact with others.
. . .
[Mr. Barnes continues explaining over a shot of the inside of a foundry.]
Mr. Barnes: [We'll need] foundry men.
Mike: [singing] Oh, you never would believe where those Keebler cookies come from...
Mr. Barnes: Tool operators.
Crow, Servo: [singing] Tool operator . . . tooooooool operator . . .
Mr. Barnes: [We'll need] carpenters.
Servo [as Mr. Barnes]: [woodenly] We'll need actors. People who can read. Lines with... and interact with others.
. . .
[Mr. Barnes continues explaining over a shot of the inside of a foundry.]
Mr. Barnes: [We'll need] foundry men.
Mike: [singing] Oh, you never would believe where those Keebler cookies come from...
Mr. Barnes: Tool operators.
Crow, Servo: [singing] Tool operator . . . tooooooool operator . . .
[Mr. Hall brings out the "marriage board".]
Crow: Bobby Orr's Electric Marriage! Real Marriage Action!
Crow: Bobby Orr's Electric Marriage! Real Marriage Action!
[Mrs. Adams demonstrates the whirring electric dishwasher to Alex.]
Mrs. Adams: There. Nothing to it.
Servo: AND IT'S QUIET, TOO!
Mrs. Adams: There. Nothing to it.
Servo: AND IT'S QUIET, TOO!
[Narrator "Doc" Lockhart introduces himself and his travelling companions.]
Doc: Leslie Ann Walker. All I know about her is she's a good friend of... Tanya Yazzie, my prize student.
Servo [as Doc]: Prize student in that she gets Cs, but she's really cute.
Doc: Leslie Ann Walker. All I know about her is she's a good friend of... Tanya Yazzie, my prize student.
Servo [as Doc]: Prize student in that she gets Cs, but she's really cute.
[Narrator Jim is being driven through Maracaibo by his coworker, Ray.]
Narrator: The first thing that surprised me on that ride was th--
[The film skips while the camera is focused on the same shot, giving the impression they disappeared. Jim, Ray and the car reappear elsewhere as the scene changes.]
Mike [as Jim]: Was being sucked through a time portal.
. . .
[They pass a building with a huge sign: GRAN VENTA ESPECIAL.]
Narrator: I almost felt I hadn't left home, when we passed a big Sears-Roebuck store.
Servo: Ah-heh! 'Cause it's called "Gran Venta" at home, too!
Narrator: Another familiar site was a used car lot, full of American autos.
Mike [as Narrator]: I dropped my pants and bent over a car, just to feel at home!
Narrator: The first thing that surprised me on that ride was th--
[The film skips while the camera is focused on the same shot, giving the impression they disappeared. Jim, Ray and the car reappear elsewhere as the scene changes.]
Mike [as Jim]: Was being sucked through a time portal.
. . .
[They pass a building with a huge sign: GRAN VENTA ESPECIAL.]
Narrator: I almost felt I hadn't left home, when we passed a big Sears-Roebuck store.
Servo: Ah-heh! 'Cause it's called "Gran Venta" at home, too!
Narrator: Another familiar site was a used car lot, full of American autos.
Mike [as Narrator]: I dropped my pants and bent over a car, just to feel at home!
[Narrator Ted Husing describes animal catcher Ross Allen's current task.]
Ted Husing: Well, this is a different assignment, and a true depiction of actually filling an order he recently received.
Joel [as Ted Husing]: Kill Colonel Kurtz!
Ted Husing: It read: "Want immediately one live bobcat, two cub black bears, and three six-foot diamondback rattlers."
Crow [as Groucho Marx]: And two hard-boiled eggs.
Servo [as Harpo Marx]: Honk!
Crow [as Groucho Marx]: Make that three hard-boiled eggs. [N]
Ted Husing: Well, this is a different assignment, and a true depiction of actually filling an order he recently received.
Joel [as Ted Husing]: Kill Colonel Kurtz!
Ted Husing: It read: "Want immediately one live bobcat, two cub black bears, and three six-foot diamondback rattlers."
Crow [as Groucho Marx]: And two hard-boiled eggs.
Servo [as Harpo Marx]: Honk!
Crow [as Groucho Marx]: Make that three hard-boiled eggs. [N]
[NASA doctor Weitzberg scans Paul, recovering in the hospital, with a geiger counter.]
Dr. Weitzberg: Not a trace. Not a solitary trace.
Joel: Must be a talent meter.
Dr. Weitzberg: Not a trace. Not a solitary trace.
Joel: Must be a talent meter.
[Nastenka accidentally touches Grandfather Frost's sceptre]
Frost's Voice: Whoever touches my sceptre...will never wake up again.
Crow: Yeah, well maybe it should be stored a little more safely!
Frost's Voice: Whoever touches my sceptre...will never wake up again.
Crow: Yeah, well maybe it should be stored a little more safely!
[Nastenka has to knit some socks before the sun rises.]
Mike: So, the first plot point involves knitting socks. I think we're in for quite a ride, guys!
Mike: So, the first plot point involves knitting socks. I think we're in for quite a ride, guys!
[Natalie et al have been thrown from the crashed car, and she appears dead on the ground.]
Mike: She's survived by her Danskins.
. . .
[Natalie dizzily gets to her feet after the crash.]
Servo [as Natalie/Tonya]: Whoa! Triple salchow really takes it out of you!
Mike: She's survived by her Danskins.
. . .
[Natalie dizzily gets to her feet after the crash.]
Servo [as Natalie/Tonya]: Whoa! Triple salchow really takes it out of you!
[Natalie is getting dressed for Summerfest.]
Crow: That's not Natalie, that's Tonya Harding!
. . .
[A grooming Natalie appraises herself in the mirror.]
Crow [as Natalie/Tonya]: You're dead, Nancy Kerrigan!
Crow: That's not Natalie, that's Tonya Harding!
. . .
[A grooming Natalie appraises herself in the mirror.]
Crow [as Natalie/Tonya]: You're dead, Nancy Kerrigan!