Mystery Science Theater 3000 quotes
1930 total quotes[Martian leader Kimar scolds his children Girmar (Pia Zadora) and Bomar for watching "silly Earth programs".]
Kimar: Now, go to sleep!
Girmar: Must we go to sleep now, Father? I want to see Santa Claus some more.
Bomar: I want to see more toys!
Kimar: No, go to sleep!
Crow [as Girmar/Zadora]: Will you buy me a Golden Globe, then?
Servo [as Kimar/Riklis]: Why, sure!
Kimar: Now, go to sleep!
Girmar: Must we go to sleep now, Father? I want to see Santa Claus some more.
Bomar: I want to see more toys!
Kimar: No, go to sleep!
Crow [as Girmar/Zadora]: Will you buy me a Golden Globe, then?
Servo [as Kimar/Riklis]: Why, sure!
[Martin desperately tries to disable the ship's computers by beating it with his pistol.]
Mike: Hey, there's bullets in the other end of that thing!
Mike: Hey, there's bullets in the other end of that thing!
[Martin's duplicate leaves Welles' office.]
Crow [as Welles]: There's somethin' plastic about that guy...
Crow [as Welles]: There's somethin' plastic about that guy...
[Mary is trying to dial the phone, but keeps on getting busy signals. Mike and the Bots imitate the opening notes of a song.]
Servo: [singing] Money...
Jeff: Wait a minute, do that again!
Mike [as Jeff]: Yeah, okay. Now rustle your skirt, and flap your arms, and run the vaccuum.
Jeff: Yeah! Yeah! Why not?
Servo [as Jeff]: I'll call someone to write the song!
Servo: [singing] Money...
Jeff: Wait a minute, do that again!
Mike [as Jeff]: Yeah, okay. Now rustle your skirt, and flap your arms, and run the vaccuum.
Jeff: Yeah! Yeah! Why not?
Servo [as Jeff]: I'll call someone to write the song!
[Mary Lee tries to call her sister Silver at the nun-run Girls Town.]
Servo [as Operator]: Girls Town, please hold.
Servo [as Hold Music]: [singing Sister Janet Mead's "The Lord's Prayer"] Our father, who art in heaven��
. . .
Servo [as Operator]: All of our lines are currently busy. The last call will be answered first, and those who call first shall be answered last. [N]
Servo [as Operator]: Girls Town, please hold.
Servo [as Hold Music]: [singing Sister Janet Mead's "The Lord's Prayer"] Our father, who art in heaven��
. . .
Servo [as Operator]: All of our lines are currently busy. The last call will be answered first, and those who call first shall be answered last. [N]
[Master ninja McAlister and his evil ninja nemesis Okasa meet face-to-face.]
Okasa: The old man hired you?
McAlister: I am not for hire.
Okasa: We are all for hire. In dark times...
McAlister: The dark times have gone.
Servo: You guys speaking in haiku all of a sudden??? Whoa!
Okasa: The old man hired you?
McAlister: I am not for hire.
Okasa: We are all for hire. In dark times...
McAlister: The dark times have gone.
Servo: You guys speaking in haiku all of a sudden??? Whoa!
[Max and the Master set off for adventure in Max's custom-painted van.]
Max: Now for the fun part...riding with a ninja.
Servo: We'll be the judge of that.
Crow [as TV announcer]: Chevy Van: A Quinn Martin production.
Max: We're being followed!
Servo [as the Master]: Of course we are! We're in an action-packed, made-for-tv movie!
[The van makes a sharp left.]
Crow [as the Master]: Quick! Take a turn here on Steven J. Cannell Boulevard!
Max: Don't tell me why they're following us. I like surprises.
Crow: Well, here's a surprise...you're already cancelled! [N]
Max: Now for the fun part...riding with a ninja.
Servo: We'll be the judge of that.
Crow [as TV announcer]: Chevy Van: A Quinn Martin production.
Max: We're being followed!
Servo [as the Master]: Of course we are! We're in an action-packed, made-for-tv movie!
[The van makes a sharp left.]
Crow [as the Master]: Quick! Take a turn here on Steven J. Cannell Boulevard!
Max: Don't tell me why they're following us. I like surprises.
Crow: Well, here's a surprise...you're already cancelled! [N]
[Mayor Polk puts his dead wife down, glares around the corner and reaches for where his guns should be.]
Joel [as Polk]: Draw, er... wait a sec!
[Polk goes into the barn and pulls out a pitchfork.]
Crow: [As Polk approaches Cain, to the tune of Green Acres] Doo-doo, do-do-do! The chores!
Tom: Doo-doo, do-do-do! [scene switches to Cain aiming his gun] ...the hell?
Joel [as Polk]: Draw, er... wait a sec!
[Polk goes into the barn and pulls out a pitchfork.]
Crow: [As Polk approaches Cain, to the tune of Green Acres] Doo-doo, do-do-do! The chores!
Tom: Doo-doo, do-do-do! [scene switches to Cain aiming his gun] ...the hell?
[McCreedy closes the bank-like vault door after Dennis is killed inside.]
Servo [as Announcer]: Member, FDI-Murder!
Crow [as Announcer]: Death guaranteed for up to 50,000 die! [N]
Servo [as Announcer]: Member, FDI-Murder!
Crow [as Announcer]: Death guaranteed for up to 50,000 die! [N]
[Meacham pushes a microphone-like Geiger counter probe toward the interocitor wreckage.]
Mike [as Meacham]: Now that you've exploded, any words for our listeners?
Mike [as Meacham]: Now that you've exploded, any words for our listeners?
[Meacham starts beating on the Mutant's exposed brain]
Crow [as the Mutant]: OH, I'M VERY VULNERABLE THERE! OH, THERE GOES THE PIANO LESSONS! OH, NOW I CAN'T REMEMBER MY DAD!
Crow [as the Mutant]: OH, I'M VERY VULNERABLE THERE! OH, THERE GOES THE PIANO LESSONS! OH, NOW I CAN'T REMEMBER MY DAD!
[Meacham's plane, engines out, is coasting in to a crash landing when it is suddenly suffused with a mysterious green glow.]
Mike [as Meacham]: Suddenly I have a refreshing mint flavor.
Servo: Early LSD tests in the Air Force.
Mike [as Meacham]: Suddenly I have a refreshing mint flavor.
Servo: Early LSD tests in the Air Force.
[Meacham, Adams, and Carlson dive down a road at high speeds.]
Crow: Ness and his men speed towards Capone's hideout!
Crow: Ness and his men speed towards Capone's hideout!
[Meacham, Adams, and Carlson looking at sketches of Exeter and Brack]
Carlson: Did you notice the peculiar indentations in both of their foreheads?
Servo: [sarcastically] NO!!!
Carlson: Did you notice the peculiar indentations in both of their foreheads?
Servo: [sarcastically] NO!!!
[Megalon is taunting Godzilla.]
Servo [as Megalon]: Nyah nyah, nyah nyah nyah! Your father was a lizard! Your mother was an A-bomb! ...Your uncle was a robot!
Servo [as Megalon]: Nyah nyah, nyah nyah nyah! Your father was a lizard! Your mother was an A-bomb! ...Your uncle was a robot!