[Maciste has been shot in the chest with an arrow, but he pulls it out effortlessly and gets to his feet.]
CCrow
[snickering] Luckily, this was before death had been invented.
S6Colossus and the Headhunters
[Queen Amoa is explaining her peoples' problem to Maciste at considerable length.]
CACrow [as Maciste]
[wearily] Hey, look, my island blew up!
[Two men grapple on a rope bridge and tumble over the side.]
Oh no! It's a horrible drop into...
[They land in the water, about two feet below the bridge.]
Oh. Heh.
. . .
[More soldiers tumble off the bridge, continuing to fight in the river.]
SAServo [as soldier]
Hey, this is fun! Whoopee!
And thus, synchronized swimming was invented!
CCrow
Isn't it cute the way they're making a stab at a plot?
[A fight scene has broken out.]
Well, it's not a plot point... and it's not an action sequence... so what is it?
[As a not very good dancing performance goes on and on.]
So... apparently, the director... has a girlfriend.
. . .
CCrow
This is history's first awkward moment.
[dramatically] For the first time, people don't know where to look.
[The camera pans across a battle in the headhunters' village--and past an embarrased-looking tribesman standing awkwardly by himself.]
Aw, poor guy doesn't have a fighting partner!
[The beanstalk-thin villain, Kermes, is explaining his evil plans to Queen Amoa.]
KKermes
The fragile shoulders of a woman can not bear the burdens of a kingdom without assistance.
Pssh! He's talking about fragile shoulders.
KKermes
Maintaining a throne demands courage, wisdom, bravery, and cruelty...
And pants!
KKermes
And all the other virtues that only... a MAN could possibly possess.
CCrow
Well, at least you're not pompous.
. . .
KKermes
That is why you and I will rule together with me as your...
Dun-dun-dun!
KKermes
...advisor.
CCrow
Huh?!
. . .
[Queen Amoa rebukes Kermes as he looks on with a devastated look on his face.]
MAMike [as Kermes]
Why are you yelling at me? This is my greatest moment, stop it!
[The effeminate villain, Kermes, drops a portcullis to trap Maciste.]
MAMike [as Kermes]
[Lisping.] I caught you, you bitch!
[Kermes ambushes Maciste and, in the ensuing fight, gets stabbed with his own sword.]
MAMike [as Maciste]
Wow, those sharp things really work!
. . .
And three quarters into the movie, Maciste finally does something!
S6The Creeping Terror
[Sheriff Ben and Deputy Martin examine a spacecraft.]
SBSheriff Ben
It could be one of our missiles.
SAServo [as Martin]
This county has missiles, sir?
[The carpet/alien is "devouring" a victim, who is obviously climbing into the prop's mouth]
MAMike [as Alien]
Uh, if you could help me out by climbing in...
CACrow [as Alien]
I can't believe I ate the whole thing!
[A woman hangs laundry, consisting entirely of white items.]
CCrow
When Tom Wolfe's wife does the laundry!
[Pursued by the monster, a morbidly obese man falls over into a shallow stream and flails around wildly]
Let the current take you away! SWIIIIM!
The monster next appeared in Lovers' Lane.
MAMike [as Narrator]
…to a sold-out crowd!
Everyone who experienced that catastrophe and survived would never go there again.
SAServo [as Narrator]
And those who did not survive such a catastrophe also would not go there again.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.