[Melvin (Jack Nicholson) introduces Carol (Helen Hunt) to Simon (Greg Kinnear)]
Melvin: Carol the Waitress, Simon the [audio cuts out]
Servo: Huh? Why did they blank out "former host of Talk Soup"?
Good Will Hunting

[Men spray ice into a large shipping container with a huge fire hose]
Narrator: The vegetables are shipped in special, refrigerated containers.
Crow [as Narrator]: Later, this device is used to beat back the workers.

[Merlin is giving Cooper sage advice.]
Merlin: Heed my words....
Mike [as Merlin]: ...munch my shorts....

[Merlin is practically purring to Madeline.]
Merlin: Ohh, Mrs. Cooper...
Mike [as Merlin]: ...you fine!

[Merlin's wife Zurella orders him to retrieve the evil cymbal-monkey toy.]
Merlin: Don't I get a kiss?
Zurella: You'll get a lot more than that if you don't get out there and find that thing! Now, go!
Mike: So, she threatened him with sex?

[Michael goes outside to find the source of the howls.]
Joel [as Michael]: Hey, look -- I know you're an evil hellbeast, but could you hold it down?! It's after nine, and we got kids!

[Michelle comes out of the kitchen, crying after being yelled at by her drunken father.]
Buz: What's wrong?
Crow [as Michelle]: I just found out what's in the "Special Sauce!"

[Michelle dances enthusiastically to a bongo beat at Leo's party.]
Mike: She makes Elaine Benes look like a good dancer.

[Michelle sings "Shine Your Love" in a casino lounge.]
Crow [as Diner]: How's about someone shine my steak over here?!
. . .
Mike: You know, back in the '70s, you could take an abstract concept like shining your love and just go with it.

[Mick, a rival gang leader, admonishes Woody]
Mick: You're nothin'.
Joel [as Woody]: Oh yeah? Well you're a... dumb... head.
Mick: I mean, back where you came from you may be somethin', but--
Crow [as Woody]: Nope. Pretty much squat there, too.

[Middle-aged drug enforcer Farrell tries to inconspicuously approach schoolteacher/vigilante April]
Farrell: May I speak to you for a moment please?
Crow [as Farrell]: 'It's about my report card.
April: Yes? What can I do for you?
Servo [as Farrell]: What's this "Incomplete" crap?

[Mike and the bots enter the theater. The logo for Universal Studios Productions, similar to the movie studio's logo at the time, is seen over a drum fanfare.]
Mike: Hey, watch out for Mountain Sized Meteor Park.
[The logo fades.]
Servo: Hey, big friggin' deal!

[Mike and the bots have made cardboard cutouts of themselves and equipped them with a tape recorder to fool Pearl.]
Mike Cutout: This sure is a bad movie, won't you?
Servo Cutout: It sure is, you know!
Crow Cutout: Say, fellas. Here's a little song about that movie, "Hobgoblins."
Mike Cutout: Are you kidding me?
Servo Cutout: Then let's go!
All [singing]: Hobgoblins, hobgoblins, what do you do with those hobgoblins? They're over here, they're over there, those darn hobgoblins are everywhere! Yay! Woo!
. . .
Mike Cutout: Watch out, here comes one now!
Crow Cutout: Look out, you little doodad!
Servo Cutout: Something's sure going to happen!
[The Mike cutout falls over and the tape recorder starts to wind down.]
Mike Cutout: Well, I think we all learned a valuable lesson about hobgoblins today... [Speech fades out.]

[Mike and the bots read excerpts from Jack Palance's fictional autobiography about the making of "Outlaw"]
Crow: Let's see, uh... [doing a Jack Palance impression] "Day One: missed call. Partied all night with that platinum midget fellow and Urbano. Still having trouble seeing straight."
Mike: Okay... [takes book and does own Jack Palance impression] "Day Three: missed call. Wandered into shot yesterday and they decided to keep it." [referring to his character's recurring phrase] "What the heck does 'Avante, avante' mean?"
Servo: [takes book, does Palance] "Day Five: missed call. After four days of shooting, finally got script today and guess what? I'm not playing Thomas Aquinas. I'm supposed to be some kind of freakin' wizard."
Crow: [book; Palance] "Day Eight: missed call. Just can't get cancelled series 'Brunk' off my mind. Why? Whyyyy? Can't keep anything down. Not sleeping."
Mike: "Day Nine: missed call. Went to the village with Gina. My voice scares little Italian kids. Spent entire per diem on bunch of crap."
Servo: "Day Ten: missed call. I think I--" [startled, reverts back to normal voice] "I think I killed a man today. More later?"
[all shudder]

[Mike is lagging behind, so Servo and Crow enter the theater alone. Title card is shown.]
Servo: I don't know, you had him last! [laughs]
Crow: You can't say that! You're gonna get in trouble! That's a really stupid joke, and I'm gonna tell Mike!
Servo: Ha-ha, I don't care, what's Mike gonna do, anyway? [laughs]
[Mike enters.]
Mike: Hey, guys.
Servo: [screams] YAH!
Crow: Mike, the title came up and it said Werewolf, and then Servo said "I don't know, you had him last!" And...and I...I think that was a really stupid joke...
Mike: [chuckles] Ah, well, that's pretty funny, I like that!
Servo: Thank you!
Crow: [backpedaling] Heeeey, that's what I meant! I...I like it.
[Mike finishes chuckling]
Crow: [sighs, defeated] Good one, Servo.
Servo: [gloating] Well, thank you! [chuckles]