[A computer monitor is flashing advanced forumlas.]
The world's most difficult math test.
S8Riding with Death
[A character is spending the scene fiddling with his glasses]
CCrow
Just between the three of us, my glasses are FILTHY!
[A nametag-wearing mechanic sabotages Sam's truck and watches him leave, wearing a vaguely menacing expression.]
SAServo [as Mechanic]
[evilly] They don't call me "Karl" for nothing.
[Truckers Sam and "Buffalo Bill" attempt a dangerous tandem braking maneuver.]
SSam
Alrighty, I'm coming up on your mudflaps at 67.
CCrow
"Coming up on your mudflaps." People have such cute names for sex.
MAMike [as Sam]
Ma' well-oiled chassis is comin' up on yer backside, now.
SAServo [as Sam]
My rigid grill structure is bearin' down on yer unprotected cargo door.
CACrow [as Sam]
My oft-complimented Peterbilt is rhythmically nudging that sweet honey pot of yours--
MSMike, Servo
Ugh-- Crow!
. . .
[Sam and Buffalo Bill have completed the maneuver and are easing into a town.]
MAMike [as Sam]
Drained and satisfied, I'm tracin' lazy circles on yer' supercab now.
CCrow
You said I was bad.
You inspired me.
[Buffalo Bill jumps up and down, whooping and cheering excitedly.]
CACrow [as Buffalo Bill]
Dukes of Hazzard got renewed!
[As Denby and "Cupcake" Tina watch, Sam dumps unconscious Buffalo Bill out of the car and rejoins the race.]
MAMike [as Denby]
Cupcake! Get Twinkie the Kid and Fruitpie the Magician!
Agent for H.A.R.M.
[The opening credits, and the crew are speculating on the source of H.A.R.M.]
Oh, that stands for Huge Angular Red Marshmallows.
CCrow
Hirsute Astronauts Revile Massachusetts
Heuristic Analog Rental Meat.
. . .
[Adam Chance karate-chops a piece of wood while a beautiful female student watches.]
MAMike [as Adam]
Solid balsawood, baby!
. . .
[After tumbling with the woman and firing into a target, he shows her the deadly results.]
AAdam
This could've been you, and don't you forget it! Better go back to the judo range.
The judo range?
. . .
SAServo [as Adam]
Meet me at the karate rink later.
. . .
[Adam turns to his pupil as he leaves on a motorcycle.]
AAdam
Judo range!
CACrow [as Adam]
Then go practice your skeet kendo and bring your aikido rifle, too.
MAMike [as Student]
Gotta get into my judo bikini.
AAdam
You think you can't get hurt, Doctor, because this is America? Apple pie and all that jazz?
CCrow
And hula hoops and dungarees?
AAdam
Well, my job is to keep the apple pie on the table, and nobody asks me how I do it!
MAMike [as Dr. Stefanik]
I'll just need an hour to figure out your metaphor.
[After a lip-lock with Adam, Ava invites him for a moonlight swim.]
AAva
Are you coming, or do I swim alone?
CACrow [as Adam]
Yes, and yes.
[Crow records a video-testimony for Mike's trial]
CCrow
This thing on? Okay. Hi! I'm Crow T. Robot and I'm here to tell you that Mike Nelson is innocent. Mike Nelson is 200 % [bleep]ing not guilty. And if you [bleep]s don't [bleep] find him innocent, then you can just [bleep]ing kiss my fat [bleep]ing [bleep]. And that [bleep]ing goes for your bull[bleep] court system, too! Mike, I'm so [bleep]ing sorry I couldn't [bleep]ing be there for this [bleep]ing [bleep]y really bogus trial, man. But let me [bleep] tell ya something, Nelson. If I was there, I'd [bleep]ing kick everyone's fat stupid [bleep]ing behinds and then cram it up their [bleep]ing [bleep]. Anyway, Mike, buddy, I hope this [bleep] helps. Take care, Mike.
[As Ava is hurriedly packing her suitcase, Adam enters the room]
Here's the wind up....
[Adam smiles smugly to himself]
...and there's the smarm!
He maintains an applicance. Duh-dah DA DAAAAAAAAA!
[Adam faces down an oncoming plane on his motorcycle.]
MAMike [as Adam]
Stop! Or your propeller will grind me to hamburger!
Stop! Or I'll Agent for H.A.R.M. you!
[In the middle of a WWI-style war, or some sort of battle, after Mrs. Forrester is hit.]
FMrs. Forrester
(panting) Oh, great! Just what I need!
BBobo
Medic! Medic!
[enters wearing nurse's outfit] Here I am!
FMrs. Forrester
Brain Guy? What the hell is...your...deal?
My race is pacifist and does not believe in war. We only kill out of personal spite. We will, however, administer humanitarian aid. (begins attending to Forrester's wound)
FMrs. Forrester
...what's that smell?!
Oh! Mustard gas!
FMrs. Forrester
Mustard gas! Get the masks!
BBobo
Oh, no, that's just me; I ate a whole jar of Plochman's with my knishes for lunch.
Good god, ape...
FMrs. Forrester
That's it, we're pulling out!
[Clanking sound is heard]
Hand grenade!
BBobo
Grenade! I'll save you! [throws Observer to the ground; the grenade goes off right near him]
FMrs. Forrester
Bobo, Brain Guy, quit farting around and get in the van! Okay, Nelson, we need air support an we need it fast!
[looks up] It's a good thing I don't have a body... [flops back down]
[Back on the SOL, Mike Nelson is pouring baking soda into a bomb casing while Crow and Servo watch]
Sure, no problem; I used to make these babies in junior high school, out of vinegar and baking soda...
CCrow
I-is that too much baking soda, Mike, or—
[ignoring Crow] ...and high school, now that I think of it. And college, too. Got...got expelled for that...
D-definitely too much baking soda, Mike.
CCrow
Just a little too much.
[Crow makes a small "Whoa..." as Mike pulls out a much larger box of baking soda and filling the bomb casing with it]
And for that temp job I worked on, too...until that one guy in receiving got me fired...
CCrow
Heh, Mike, Mike, honey...the baking soda—
[again ignoring Crow]It was just a little prank, but he had to rat out on me, didn't he? Oh, well, I guess some people are just like that...
So! Bombs away, Mike!
CCrow
Okay, Mike! Bombs away!
Oh! Right... [Mikes walks away with the bomb as Crow and Servo cheer]
CCrow
Bombs away, Mike!
Bombs away! [to Crow] Hey, I heard you can make a bazooka out of PVC tubing and a used diaper.
CCrow
Is that so?
[Mike reenters without the bomb]
CCrow
Okay, okay! Hee-hee-hee...
There you go, Mrs. Forrester, a little distraction...
CCrow
A little distraction!
[Mike and the Bots laugh, and then a huge explosion goes off, knocking the bots off Mike's workstation.]
CCrow
[gets back up] Okay... Few things, Mike. First, uh, well, you blew up another planet, obviously; what's that, three for you now?
Think so...
CCrow
And, second, uh—ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR STUPID, ROTTED SKULL, YOU DUMB MAN?!
S8Prince of Space
[The opening title of the movie shows: Prince of Space.]
I'm in space already! Damn!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.