Mystery Science Theater 3000 quotes
1930 total quotes[Wilbur gets tangled up in a TV antenna.]
Servo: Hey, now they'll get immaculate reception!
Servo: Hey, now they'll get immaculate reception!
[Wilbur the fey angel sprinkles fairy dust on Jeff & Mary's house.]
Crow [as Male Neighbor]: Uh, honey, izzat a gay man on the Johnsons' roof?
Servo [as Female Neighbor]: Should we get a gay man for our roof, honey?
Crow [as Male Neighbor]: Uh, honey, izzat a gay man on the Johnsons' roof?
Servo [as Female Neighbor]: Should we get a gay man for our roof, honey?
[William looks at a Franklin half-dollar he's holding.]
William: Fifty cents. Half a dollar.
Servo: In those days, that'd buy you a car.
William: Benjamin Franklin, eh?
Crow [as William]: Bite me, Franklin!
William: He was supposed to be a pretty smart fellow when it came to money. I suppose he could've told me how to keep out of the red.
Crow [as William]: He was the best President we ever had. [N]
. . .
[Ben Franklin's silhouette appears in the mirror.]
Servo: Alfred Hitchcock! [N]
William: Fifty cents. Half a dollar.
Servo: In those days, that'd buy you a car.
William: Benjamin Franklin, eh?
Crow [as William]: Bite me, Franklin!
William: He was supposed to be a pretty smart fellow when it came to money. I suppose he could've told me how to keep out of the red.
Crow [as William]: He was the best President we ever had. [N]
. . .
[Ben Franklin's silhouette appears in the mirror.]
Servo: Alfred Hitchcock! [N]
[With the heroes and the local authorities, Dr. Velazco reviews their situation.]
Dr. Velazco: But we have a few advantages against this enemy. First--
Servo [as Velazco]: We're small. We can run fast.
Dr. Velazco: Plus, we have the daylight hours to try to find and destroy it. Secondly, they're somewhat slow and lethargic.
Crow [as Velazco]: And we have giant 40-foot pincers! Uh, no, wait -- that's the scorpion's good point.
Dr. Velazco: But we have a few advantages against this enemy. First--
Servo [as Velazco]: We're small. We can run fast.
Dr. Velazco: Plus, we have the daylight hours to try to find and destroy it. Secondly, they're somewhat slow and lethargic.
Crow [as Velazco]: And we have giant 40-foot pincers! Uh, no, wait -- that's the scorpion's good point.
[With Trumpy's help, Tommy sees African-veldt stock footage through his telescope.]
Joel: They got Wild Kingdom on the telescope.
. . .
Tommy: You can do magic things!
[Trumpy turns to reveal his eyes blazing with white light.]
Crow [as Trumpy]: It's called "evil", kid.
Servo: Hey, he's got his high-beams on. Hmm?
Joel: He's got Bette Davis eyes.
Crow: Orphan Annie eyes.
Joel: They got Wild Kingdom on the telescope.
. . .
Tommy: You can do magic things!
[Trumpy turns to reveal his eyes blazing with white light.]
Crow [as Trumpy]: It's called "evil", kid.
Servo: Hey, he's got his high-beams on. Hmm?
Joel: He's got Bette Davis eyes.
Crow: Orphan Annie eyes.
[Woody and Yogi (Rae Dawn Chong), two young ruffians, are mildly injured in a post-apocalyptic gang rumble.]
Woody: I lost a tooth.
Servo [as Yogi]: Oh Jeez, I told you to floss!
[Woody spits his tooth out as Yogi giggles with unwarranted glee.]
Crow [as Woody]: Gee, I'll lose an arm and you'll really crack up.
Joel: This guy's just funny, you can't explain it...you can't explain it, he's just funny.
Servo: He'll pass a stone in a minute that'll make ya howl.
Woody: I lost a tooth.
Servo [as Yogi]: Oh Jeez, I told you to floss!
[Woody spits his tooth out as Yogi giggles with unwarranted glee.]
Crow [as Woody]: Gee, I'll lose an arm and you'll really crack up.
Joel: This guy's just funny, you can't explain it...you can't explain it, he's just funny.
Servo: He'll pass a stone in a minute that'll make ya howl.
[Young beachgoers perform the "Zombie Stomp" dance]
Mike: I'm starting to agree with the Taliban militia: dancing should not be allowed.
Mike: I'm starting to agree with the Taliban militia: dancing should not be allowed.
[Young Don's clothes are all in a pile on his bedroom floor.]
Narrator: Uh-oh! That's no way to treat your clothes!
Mike [as Don]: But that's how they treat me!
Narrator: Uh-oh! That's no way to treat your clothes!
Mike [as Don]: But that's how they treat me!
[Young journalist Jim Benton is talking to train conductor Wilson (John Carradine).]
Servo: Kid looks like a reporter from the Catholic Digest.
Servo: Kid looks like a reporter from the Catholic Digest.
[Young Nicholas and his mother await the mysterious introduction to Merlin at his shop, where a fog creeps slowly across the floor.]
Mike: Merlin sends in his trained flatulence to scout the room.
Mike: Merlin sends in his trained flatulence to scout the room.
[Yuri breaks into a massive brawl with the other archaeologists.]
Crow: Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Archaeologists!
. . .
Crow: It's a production of Road House in the Park.
. . .
Mike: And during the fight, they stomped all over the Ark of the Covenant.
Crow: Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Archaeologists!
. . .
Crow: It's a production of Road House in the Park.
. . .
Mike: And during the fight, they stomped all over the Ark of the Covenant.
[Zach's friend Brad, now a Soultaker himself, is explaining the Afterlife to Zach.]
Brad: You still haven't figured it out, have you, man?
Crow: We have! Can we go?!
Brad: You still haven't figured it out, have you, man?
Crow: We have! Can we go?!
[Zebra-striped dancers move in formation to a oddly "Silent Night"-like tune.]
Mike: Hair-trigger precision. They're like the Blue Angels of dancing.
Servo: Yeah, one wrong move and they all crash.
Mike: Hair-trigger precision. They're like the Blue Angels of dancing.
Servo: Yeah, one wrong move and they all crash.
[Zombie Tony is returning to the cemetery after a night of killing]
Crow: Y'know, ironically, they were only able to bust the zombie for tax evasion! [chuckles]
Crow: Y'know, ironically, they were only able to bust the zombie for tax evasion! [chuckles]
[Zombie Tony looks up to a bright light]
Servo: The dead Zone is for loading and unloading only...
Servo: The dead Zone is for loading and unloading only...