Mystery Science Theater 3000 quotes

[as Ivan] Damn it, Puck! This time you've gone too far!

What did you do to me? What have you done, you witch?!

Mike

[as Ivan, crying and running off] Mommy!!

Servo

[as Ivan/Yogi] I have to go find a pic-a-nic basket!

Ivanushka!

[as Nastenka] We have to register at Club Wed!

Ivan, I swear I didn't do anything to you!

[angrily] I curse you! I curse you forever; you witch!

Servo

Tonight on a very special Grizzly Adams.

Mike

[as Nastenka] Every time I meet a man, he's either gay or a bear!

[lamenting over the loon he shot which led him to Nastenka, after he has been turned into a bear] I killed you with an arrow, and you ruin me with a feather!

[as Ivan] It's funny when you think about it!

Alright, listen; vagabound with the head of a bear: just look at yourself and ask...

Servo

[as Father Mushroom] Do I crap in the woods?

...how did you live? You see, you spent all your time boasting about yourself. You loved yourself; only yourself. You offended everyone else.

Heed these words, Mike.

Consider Nastenka; you hurt her feelings.

I hurt her feelings?!

You've never done a good deed, Ivan. Now here's what you must do, take my advice:

Mike

[as Father Mushroom] Shave!

[as a crowd of people show up mocking Marfushka as she is stuck in a duck pond] And the Freelance Shame Squad is there!

Servo

It's a young Mike Nelson!

Mike

[offended] Hey!

Servo

Mushroom Guy is really starting to piss me off!

Foul is fair, and fair is foul...

Servo

[as sled] Oink, ma'am.

What's that?

Oh, a fast sleigh that glides through snow; fast, fast as the wind blows, moves by itself over the snow to the place where Nastenka lies. [throws the sled into the snow as it swiftly takes off with Ivan giving chase]

Servo

She left it in drive.

[calling out to Ivan, chuckling] Look out for my sheepskin coat; it's almost new! Don't forget to bring it back to me!

Bring it back to me... ha ha, that's great!

Mike

[as Grandfather Frost] Eat lead, spring!

[as Grandfather Frost] I do frost, and I do it well.

We spit on your doorstep!

Servo

Ptui!

Ptui!

Please take me with you, please, please...

I'd like you to meet...

Uh, what's your name again?

Ivanushka, my fiance.

I can't look at them, honey; they're horrible.

Bring on my fiancé, and give me a dowry; a great big dowry... [shoves Frost to the ground] ...and make it quick!

[as Marfushka] You stuttering frosted freak!

H-help!

Ooh! This isn't funny; he actually got hurt, Mike.

Observer

My race is pacifist and does not believe in war. We only kill out of personal spite.

Servo

[Imitates the theme to "The Jetsons", then a space car]

Mike

Universal, except for you, Ron.

You know, the Earth's thinks it's so great.

Servo

Oh yeah. It thinks the world revolves around itself.

Mike

Hey, the Matthew Broderick story.

And believe me, Death does not pony up for gas.

Mike

Is there such a thing as starring Ben Murphy? Isn't it more honest to say that most of the time the camera is pointed at Ben Murphy?

Starring rejects from Harry-O.

Servo

If Clu Gulager isn't in this, it'll be very wrong.

Mike

Anthony Zerbe, come on! Please, please, please, please!

Servo

Ah, that's who's playing John Hiller this time.

Servo

Aw, Steven Bochco? Does this mean we have to see Denis Franz's hairy butt cheeks?

Ah, that gooey LA sky.

Mike

Birds? Nope. All dead.