[Shortly after finding a laser cannon in the desert, Billy begins hopping around oddly and pretending to blow stuff up.]
After all that, it's "pa-pa-pow".
Once you're past the age of 11, you should not say "pow".
Won't he be surprised to learn that it doesn't go "pow" but "fffwissshh"!
[Billy continues to prance about the desert with the laser cannon on his arm, moving rather daintily.]
He's performing Frampton Comes Alive!
...So, it's a thing that makes you waltz.
[At a pool party, Chuck is serving hot dogs to a good-looking girl in a bikini.]
CChuck
Whoa, mama. Wouldn't Chuck like to give you his red hot frank.
GGirl
From what I hear, Chucky, it ain't so hot.
CACrow [as Chuck]
She undercut the subtle nuance of my wiener joke!
. . .
[Chuck pushes the girl into the pool.]
MAMike [as Chuck]
There! I think I've taught you not to rebuff my wiener innuendo!
[As the ending credits roll, Mike leafs through a copy of Leonard Maltin's Movie Guide.]
OK, let's look in Maltin's book here, uh he gave this two-and-a-half stars... ooh, My Favorite Year barely edges it out with three stars.
Look here, Hannah and her Sisters is superior only by one star.
[watching the film] Oh great, now a tire fire starts just off camera!
[Tom coughs. Mike turns a page.]
OK. Umm, ah, look, hey--Leonard Maltin gave the same two-and-a-half stars to My Dinner With Andre.
[disgusted] Name of the Rose... this is a better film than Name of the Rose! It only got two stars!
Uh, Lucas Tanner the movie was directed by Richard Donner... I just thought I'd point that out.
[reading the credits] Y'mean, y'mean to tell me that Ron Masak and Eddie Deezen get billing over Roddy McDowall?
Look Mike, Birdman of Alcatraz, three stars. Marginally better than Laserblast.
[still reading the credits] They spelled Roddy McDowall's name wrong...
[leaning in] What else you got?
Oh, here we go, Full Metal Jacket, three stars.
Oh, hey, Seven Samurai, two stars.
According to this, A Fish Called Wanda was as good a film as Laserblast.
Broadcast News, Witness, three stars--barely superior to Laserblast.
Yeah, hm. Oh, here we go--this was a better movie than Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.
And the same caliber as Last Crusade--two-and-a-half stars.
Oh. And, uh, and yet: Blame It On the Bellboy... four stars.
Oh, you... You... jeez...
So, Kim Milford's greasy, pop-eyed performance was every bit as good as F. Murray Abraham's tortured performance as Salieri in Amadeus.
According to Leonard Maltin, yes, Mike.
Bagdad Café, brilliant subtle comedy--no better than Laserblast.
Here's where it gets hard--Harry and the Hendersons is every bit as good as Laserblast.
Carson McCullers' classic The Heart is a Lonely Hunter--no better than Laserblast.
[Servo notices Mike is hiding something and tries to read it.]
Uhp, John Schlesinger's Oscar-winning thriller Marathon Man--on par with Laserblast, two-and-a-half stars.
Right, so Laurence Olivier's chilling performance as Szell, the White Angel, no better than the butt-faced sheriff in Laserblast.
Again, according to Leonard Maltin, yes, Mike.
Ah, look here, look here, Outlaw Josey Wales AND Unforgiven! Oscar-winner. Quintessential Westerns, Eastwood at his finest. However, I think you know where we're headed with this, Mike.
SMServo, Mike
Same as Laserblast--
Oh, here we go, here's a couple more. Sophie's Choice--
Uh... here's one, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory--
Oh, I can't believe that!
All two-and-a-half stars.
[as they leave] Peers to Laserblast.
Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie
Dum-da-dum-dum-dum.... oh, hello Mike! Everything working fine on the ol' Satellite of Love? No problems or mishaps today?
Nope, everything appears to be nominal.
Ah, nominal! Good! Good! So I guess you're not wondering what that rhythmic pounding might be?
[listens] Yeah, what is that?
Yeah, what is that? I'm a highly sophisicated robot, Mike, and I've got to tell you, this isn't normal. Something's causing this, Mike. Now, let's see... I'm here, you're here, Gypsy's here....
Where's Crow? Well, I wasn't supposed to say anything, but I did see the little moron heading to the basement with a pickaxe in his hands!
[Crow breaches the satellite's hull as he tries to escape, causing the air to be sucked out]
Woah, I didn't expect this!
Attaining.... maximum RPM.... adjust pitch and yaw thrusters..... stabilize! There, that ought to [gets sucked towards hole] AAAAAAAAAAH!!!
. . .
Well, this is confusing! Mike, could you hand me my calculations?
[A wad of paper is blown across the bay and hits Crow in the face.]
Thank you! Huh, would you look at that: "Breach Hull - All Die"! Even had it underlined!
. . .
[Servo lands right-side up on the hole]
Hey, I'm experiencing a sensation altogether new to me, and frankly... I LOVE IT!
. . .
[Crow explains his unsuccessful attempt to burrow a way out of the Satellite of Love.]
Believe me, Mike, I calculated the odds of this succeeding against the odds I was doing something incredibly stupid… and I went ahead anyway.
