Mystery Science Theater 3000 quotes
1930 total quotes[The Neptune Men approach Earth]
Mike: Shoot at Earth all you want, just get Bill Maher.
Mike: Shoot at Earth all you want, just get Bill Maher.
[The Neptune Men endlessly strafe Tokyo]
Mike: I never thought I'd say it, but suddenly Independence Day seems a richly-nuanced movie.
Mike: I never thought I'd say it, but suddenly Independence Day seems a richly-nuanced movie.
[The Neptune Men's fighter ships strafe the children's car]
Servo: Space Chief's off having a couple Sapporos with Jet Jaguar and Prince of Space.
Servo: Space Chief's off having a couple Sapporos with Jet Jaguar and Prince of Space.
[The not-so-intrepid Robert I. Miller goes exploring in the desert.]
Joel: Oh, look, he's wearing corrective shoes with black socks.
Servo: He's wearing corrective everything!
Joel: Oh, look, he's wearing corrective shoes with black socks.
Servo: He's wearing corrective everything!
[The old man points out the clown on the trapeze to the boy.]
Joel [as Old Man]: I invented that move.
Crow [as Kid]: Yeah, right.
Joel [as Old Man]: I invented that move.
Crow [as Kid]: Yeah, right.
[The older scientist peers under a microscope and is stunned by what he sees.]
Servo: Oh god... I'm pregnant!
Servo: Oh god... I'm pregnant!
[The Olson family loads their truck for the county fair.]
Narrator: Into the truck goes one of the calves that Johnny Olson has raised.
Servo [as Narrator/Barker]: Tell us what they've won, Johnny Olson! [N]
Narrator: Into the truck goes one of the calves that Johnny Olson has raised.
Servo [as Narrator/Barker]: Tell us what they've won, Johnny Olson! [N]
[The opening card reads "ANHEUSER-BUSCH, INCOPORATED Manufacturers of Quality Low Temperature Cabinet Makers presents"]
Mike: Oh yeah, and high-octane suds! Woo!
Mike: Oh yeah, and high-octane suds! Woo!
[The opening credits and movie's theme begin over an image of Raul Julia's head inside a golden electronic cube]
Mike: This lovely Raul Julia pendant, available only on the Home Shopping Network.
Crow: It's a Raulbik's Cube!
Servo: Heh heh guys, see, I thought that he was Puerto Rican, I didn't know that he was...
Mike: Oh no, don't say it!
Servo: ...Cube-in!
Mike: Ahhh.
[The cube begins to fade away]
Crow: Raul, you come right back and be in this bad movie, young man!
Servo [as Raul Julia]: But I'm signed to play Archbishop Romero!
Mike: This lovely Raul Julia pendant, available only on the Home Shopping Network.
Crow: It's a Raulbik's Cube!
Servo: Heh heh guys, see, I thought that he was Puerto Rican, I didn't know that he was...
Mike: Oh no, don't say it!
Servo: ...Cube-in!
Mike: Ahhh.
[The cube begins to fade away]
Crow: Raul, you come right back and be in this bad movie, young man!
Servo [as Raul Julia]: But I'm signed to play Archbishop Romero!
[The opening credits are shown against scenes of a swarm of honeybees.]
Crow: They named every bee? This is gonna take forever...
Crow: They named every bee? This is gonna take forever...
[The opening credits feature action shots of Mitchell to a disco beat.]
Servo [as Isaac Hayes]: Who's the puffy guy who's a big blurry sex machine?
Joel, Crow: Mitchell!
Servo [as Hayes]: That Mitchell is one fat s--
Joel, Crow: Shut yo' mouth!
Servo [as Hayes]: I'm just talkin' 'bout Mitchell!
Servo [as Isaac Hayes]: Who's the puffy guy who's a big blurry sex machine?
Joel, Crow: Mitchell!
Servo [as Hayes]: That Mitchell is one fat s--
Joel, Crow: Shut yo' mouth!
Servo [as Hayes]: I'm just talkin' 'bout Mitchell!
[The opening credits identify the heavy metal bands who contributed music to the soundtrack: Motorhead...]
Servo: Oh, Motorhead! I have their latest collection of Cole Porter tunes!
[...Girlschool...]
Crow: Uh, that's Womanschool?
[...Thor...]
Servo: [lisping] Oh, I think Thor ith fabulouth.
[...Deathmask...]
Mike: Oh, Deathmask ! They played at my parents' anniversary party!
[...and Fist.]
Servo: And I saw Fist when they opened for Badfinger!
Servo: Oh, Motorhead! I have their latest collection of Cole Porter tunes!
[...Girlschool...]
Crow: Uh, that's Womanschool?
[...Thor...]
Servo: [lisping] Oh, I think Thor ith fabulouth.
[...Deathmask...]
Mike: Oh, Deathmask ! They played at my parents' anniversary party!
[...and Fist.]
Servo: And I saw Fist when they opened for Badfinger!
[The opening credits roll over footage of a beaten-down shack in the middle of the desert.]
Mike: Get off my land, you credits!
. . .
[The credits reveal the film's "special guest star", Tor Johnson as the titular beast.]
Servo: Ah. Huh, I figured Tor Johnson would play the Butler.
Mike: Tor Johnson as the Beast, that's just smart casting.
Mike: Get off my land, you credits!
. . .
[The credits reveal the film's "special guest star", Tor Johnson as the titular beast.]
Servo: Ah. Huh, I figured Tor Johnson would play the Butler.
Mike: Tor Johnson as the Beast, that's just smart casting.
[The opening credits show a man's face decaying into a zombie's face.]
Mike: The shroud of David Schwimmer.
. . .
Servo: Face is the result of slash and burn shaving.
Mike [as zombie]: You'd tell me if my face was disintergrating, right?
Servo: He's turning into a brisket.
Crow: It's a portrait of Bob Dole's inner child.
. . .
Crow: He's turning into a seed sculpture from the state fair.
. . .
Crow: Tom Petty in the morning.
. . .
Crow: You know, seaweed makes a perfectly acceptible toupee.
[Cut to a toy clown laughing.]
Mike: Ah, good old-fashioned nightmare fuel.
Mike: The shroud of David Schwimmer.
. . .
Servo: Face is the result of slash and burn shaving.
Mike [as zombie]: You'd tell me if my face was disintergrating, right?
Servo: He's turning into a brisket.
Crow: It's a portrait of Bob Dole's inner child.
. . .
Crow: He's turning into a seed sculpture from the state fair.
. . .
Crow: Tom Petty in the morning.
. . .
Crow: You know, seaweed makes a perfectly acceptible toupee.
[Cut to a toy clown laughing.]
Mike: Ah, good old-fashioned nightmare fuel.