Mick St. John quotes from Moonlight

Mick

[narrating] It's been fifty five years since I slept in a bed, felt the softness and warmth of pillows and blankets. Do I miss sleeping in an industrial freezer? Would you?

So, what's it like being a vampire?

Mick

Being a vampire sucks. It's a bad joke, I know, but it's the truth.

Mick

And while we're on the subject. Garlic - is tasty on pizza.

Does it repel you?

Mick

It repels my dates - sometimes. Toss holy water on me I get wet. Crucifixes? Okay - if you like that kind of a thing. Oh and I definitely can't turn into a bat - that'd be cool though, wouldn't it?

What about daylight?

Mick

Daylight's not good. Daylight's not good. The longer I'm in the sun the worse I feel.

But you don't burst into flames?

Mick

Not if I can help it.

How do you kill a vampire. Wooden stake I'm guessing?

Mick

No, a wooden stake won't kill a vampire - flame thrower will kill a vampire or we can lose our head - I mean literally - other than that we heal.

You seem like a very nice guy. [Mick smiles] But don't vampires kill people?

Mick

Well, most vampires don't have bounderies or rules, but I do. I don't hunt women, I don't hunt children, I don't hunt innocents, but there're predators out there that need to be dealt with.

Is that why you became a private investigator?

Mick

[nods slightly] It's a way to use my special abilities.

Any advice for the vampire wannabes out there?

Mick

Yeah, stay out of my way.

Beth

[to herself, as she walks barefoot] Murder on Melrose.... no. Southland Student Slaying. Ehh. Vampire... something with vampire in it. [sees Mick, walks to him] Do.. do I know you?

Mick

[shrugs] You tell me.

Beth

You're a cop, right?

Mick

No.

Beth

Reporter?

Mick

Nope.

Beth

We've met before, you look very familiar.

Mick

Well, maybe I've just got one of those faces.

Beth

Okay... so tell me. Which do you like better: "Vampire Slaying Rocks L.A."...

Mick

There's no such thing as vampires.

Beth

I don't think the woman in the fountain would agree. [turns to look at body] I mean... [Turns back, but Mick has vanished]

Mick

[narrating] My buddy, Josef. One of the oldest vampires in L.A. 400, going on thirty. Living, well, un-living proof that paranoia never goes out of style.

Josef

Ahh, you look good. Been working out? [nodding to himself] yeah, you look good. Uhh, have you seen the news? This terrible thing in West Hollywood? It's everywhere, "Vampire Slaying Rocks L.A."

Mick

Yeah, I know, it doesn't look good for us.

Josef

It's a threat to our secrecy, what is this the 1720s? We're discreet, we don't leave bodies lying around! We have to be extra-vigilent, we live in the age of fingerprint scans, DNA tests, genome mapping.

Mick

Josef! Relax.

Josef

I am relaxed. This is relaxed [tugging at his tie] You're only ninety, you've never been chased by a torch-bearing mob, hungry!

Josef

[A young woman approaches Josef] She's delicious. '82 was a good year.

Mick

Oh, we went to the Super Bowl in '82, right? Lost a million bucks on Cincinnati that year, right?

Josef

Except for that, yeah.

Mick

Ouch. [Beth pulls out her Mace]

Beth

You were at the crime scene.

Mick

Easy with the Mace, okay?

Beth

Stay back.

Mick

I'm not going to hurt you.

Beth

You're not going to hurt me? How do I know you're not the killer?

Mick

Well, because I'm not killing you.

Beth

Okay, if you not the killer - and let's go with that - cause that's comforting. What are you doing here?

Beth

A girl's dead, I'm not letting this go.

Mick

You're kinda pushy, aren't you?

Beth

You'll get used to it.

I am a vampire.

Mick

Really?

Well, not in the way most commonly portrayed in dime store novels. When most people hear the word vampire, they immediately conjour up an image of some undead monstrosity running round at night trying to drink human blood.

Mick

Hate that.

Josef

It's about time you got back.

Mick

Make yourself at home.

Josef

Already did. Poured myself a drink. [waves a glass of blood] You seriously drink this stuff? What is it, like non-fat soy Vegan blood?

Mick

If you don't like it... [reaches to take glass]

Josef

[holding glass closer] I didn't say that.

Mick

Are you sure?

Josef

Get out of here. I assume you don't have any freshies around. Nah, of course not.

Mick

Am I supposed to know why you're here, Josef?

Josef

[clicks on tv]

It is possible that there is some truth behind the vampire myth. Perhaps there are some individuals with genetic dispositions that could consume and digest, blood.

Josef

Vampire experts. Beautiful - now we have the food mouthing off about the farmer. The whole city is talking. Wanna know what they're talking about? Us.

Mick

So it's a slow newsday.

Josef

No, that's not it. It's this reporter from Buzzwire, Beth somebody. She started the whole thing.

Mick

Beth Turner.

Josef

Oh, you know her?

Mick

We did some breaking and entering together.

Josef

Then you, my friend, must get her to stop.

Mick

Like what, she's driving along, and suddenly, her car explodes?

Josef

I was thinking you ask her nicely, but, fielder's choice.

Mick

Killer's not a vampire.

Josef

There were bite-marks.

Mick

[angry] Two stab-wounds.

Josef

And the blood?

Mick

Well, you hit an artery, you're bound to get some of that.

Josef

So you're telling me some poser wanna-be drinking blood out of a Snoop Dog chalice is behind this?

Mick

Yeah, something like that.

Josef

Why haven't you killed him?

Mick

There's more than one suspect.

Josef

So kill them all. That's what I would do. Hey, look I know you have morals and scruples and that's fine, sort of. But you are not the man I on occasion pretend to respect if you don't get this under control. Hey, you have a soft spot for the mortals. A charming fascination with all of the things they do while listening to the tick-tick-tick of their own looming demise. That's fine that's good, everyone needs a hobby.

Josef

Vampire solidarity. Rah rah rah.

Mick

And, don't forget, I'm the only friend you got that doesn't like you for your money.

Josef

That's true, sad, but true.

Josef

You absolutely gotta waste this guy.

Mick

It's not that simple.

Josef

Yeah it is..And what if decides to go all Van Helsing and come after you?

Beth

Do you have any idea how hard it is to come up with a gift that says "thanks"for saving me from a psycho serial killer"?

Mick

Miss Manners doesn't cover that?

Beth

Surprisingly, no.

Beth

Very nice, is that your party personality?

Mick

I didn't do anything.

Beth

I'd hate to see what you call something.

Josef

[As a blonde and a red head approach Josef and Mick in a club] Red or white?

Mick

I will take the red. [Mick bites the red head as Josef stands to do the same to the blonde as he's tapped on the shoulder]

Josef

I've told you, not while I'm eating!