IInterviewer
So, what's it like being a vampire?
Being a vampire sucks. It's a bad joke, I know, but it's the truth.
“No Such Thing as Vampires” · Season 1, Episode 1
In this episode: Mick St. John (13), Beth Turner (5), Josef Kostan (4)
And while we're on the subject. Garlic - is tasty on pizza.
IInterviewer
Does it repel you?
It repels my dates - sometimes. Toss holy water on me I get wet. Crucifixes? Okay - if you like that kind of a thing. Oh and I definitely can't turn into a bat - that'd be cool though, wouldn't it?
IInterviewer
What about daylight?
Daylight's not good. Daylight's not good. The longer I'm in the sun the worse I feel.
IInterviewer
But you don't burst into flames?
Not if I can help it.
IInterviewer
How do you kill a vampire. Wooden stake I'm guessing?
No, a wooden stake won't kill a vampire - flame thrower will kill a vampire or we can lose our head - I mean literally - other than that we heal.
IInterviewer
You seem like a very nice guy. [Mick smiles] But don't vampires kill people?
Well, most vampires don't have bounderies or rules, but I do. I don't hunt women, I don't hunt children, I don't hunt innocents, but there're predators out there that need to be dealt with.
IInterviewer
Is that why you became a private investigator?
[nods slightly] It's a way to use my special abilities.
IInterviewer
Any advice for the vampire wannabes out there?
Yeah, stay out of my way.
[to herself, as she walks barefoot] Murder on Melrose.... no. Southland Student Slaying. Ehh. Vampire... something with vampire in it. [sees Mick, walks to him] Do.. do I know you?
[shrugs] You tell me.
You're a cop, right?
No.
Reporter?
Nope.
We've met before, you look very familiar.
Well, maybe I've just got one of those faces.
Okay... so tell me. Which do you like better: "Vampire Slaying Rocks L.A."...
There's no such thing as vampires.
I don't think the woman in the fountain would agree. [turns to look at body] I mean... [Turns back, but Mick has vanished]
SSteve
What are we still doing here?
Looking for her car.
SSteve
Right, and how do we know she didn't just walk?
Nobody walks in L.A.
[narrating] My buddy, Josef. One of the oldest vampires in L.A. 400, going on thirty. Living, well, un-living proof that paranoia never goes out of style.
Ahh, you look good. Been working out? [nodding to himself] yeah, you look good. Uhh, have you seen the news? This terrible thing in West Hollywood? It's everywhere, "Vampire Slaying Rocks L.A."
Yeah, I know, it doesn't look good for us.
It's a threat to our secrecy, what is this the 1720s? We're discreet, we don't leave bodies lying around! We have to be extra-vigilent, we live in the age of fingerprint scans, DNA tests, genome mapping.
Josef! Relax.
I am relaxed. This is relaxed [tugging at his tie] You're only ninety, you've never been chased by a torch-bearing mob, hungry!
[A young woman approaches Josef] She's delicious. '82 was a good year.
Oh, we went to the Super Bowl in '82, right? Lost a million bucks on Cincinnati that year, right?
Except for that, yeah.
[Mick surprises Beth as she searches the dead girl's apartment and she hits him over the head with a bottle which shatters]
Ouch. [Beth pulls out her Mace]
You were at the crime scene.
Easy with the Mace, okay?
Stay back.
I'm not going to hurt you.
You're not going to hurt me? How do I know you're not the killer?
Well, because I'm not killing you.
Okay, if you not the killer - and let's go with that - cause that's comforting. What are you doing here?
A girl's dead, I'm not letting this go.
You're kinda pushy, aren't you?
You'll get used to it.
PProfessor
I am a vampire.
Really?
PProfessor
Well, not in the way most commonly portrayed in dime store novels. When most people hear the word vampire, they immediately conjour up an image of some undead monstrosity running round at night trying to drink human blood.
Hate that.
CCarl
Come on, threesomes never end well.
Huh?
CCarl
Don't ask.
It's about time you got back.
Make yourself at home.
Already did. Poured myself a drink. [waves a glass of blood] You seriously drink this stuff? What is it, like non-fat soy Vegan blood?
If you don't like it... [reaches to take glass]
[holding glass closer] I didn't say that.
Are you sure?
Get out of here. I assume you don't have any freshies around. Nah, of course not.
Am I supposed to know why you're here, Josef?
[clicks on tv]
EOExpert on TV
It is possible that there is some truth behind the vampire myth. Perhaps there are some individuals with genetic dispositions that could consume and digest, blood.
Vampire experts. Beautiful - now we have the food mouthing off about the farmer. The whole city is talking. Wanna know what they're talking about? Us.
So it's a slow newsday.
No, that's not it. It's this reporter from Buzzwire, Beth somebody. She started the whole thing.
Beth Turner.
Oh, you know her?
We did some breaking and entering together.
Then you, my friend, must get her to stop.
Like what, she's driving along, and suddenly, her car explodes?
I was thinking you ask her nicely, but, fielder's choice.
Killer's not a vampire.
There were bite-marks.
[angry] Two stab-wounds.
And the blood?
Well, you hit an artery, you're bound to get some of that.
So you're telling me some poser wanna-be drinking blood out of a Snoop Dog chalice is behind this?
Yeah, something like that.
Why haven't you killed him?
There's more than one suspect.
So kill them all. That's what I would do. Hey, look I know you have morals and scruples and that's fine, sort of. But you are not the man I on occasion pretend to respect if you don't get this under control. Hey, you have a soft spot for the mortals. A charming fascination with all of the things they do while listening to the tick-tick-tick of their own looming demise. That's fine that's good, everyone needs a hobby.
Vampire solidarity. Rah rah rah.
And, don't forget, I'm the only friend you got that doesn't like you for your money.
That's true, sad, but true.
Forever is a long time with an ex-wife like mine.
The last time I held her in my arms she was only a child. Over the years I tried to stay close just of sight in case she needed me and tonight she did.
Sixty years is a long time to deny yourself the touch of another, but you do it because you can't stand the thought of seeing yourself as a monster in someone else's eyes.
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