There is only one thing in the world worse than being witty, and that is not being witty.
[the assembled party erupts into laughter, except for Wilde, who looks somewhat annoyed]
OWOscar Wilde
I wish I had said that.
You will, Oscar, you will.
[the party erupts into laughter again]
OWOscar Wilde
Your Majesty, have you met James McNeill Whistler?
Yes, we played squash together.
OWOscar Wilde
There is only one thing worse than playing squash together, and that is playing it by yourself.
[the party remains silent, as Wilde's remark fails to elicit laughter]
OWOscar Wilde
I wish I hadn't said that.
You did, Oscar, you did. [more laughter from the party]
'
Your Highness, you are also like a stream of bat's piss.
[gesturing towards Wilde] It was one of Wilde's, one of Wilde's.
OWOscar Wilde
[shouting] It sodding was not! It was Shaw!
GBGeorge Bernard Shaw
[taken aback] I-I merely meant, Your Majesty, that you shine out like a shaft of gold, when all around is dark.
OWOscar Wilde
[to Whistler] Right! Right?
[looking at Shaw] Smart arse.
OWOscar Wilde
Your Majesty is like a dose of clap.
Before you arrive is pleasure, and after is a pain in the dong.
Wilde and Whistler: One of Shaw's, one of Shaw's.
GBGeorge Bernard Shaw
...you bastards! Um, what I meant, Your Majesty...what I meant...
OWOscar Wilde
We've got him, Jim!
OWOscar Wilde
Go on, Shaw-ry!
GBGeorge Bernard Shaw
[stammering] I merely meant--
OWOscar Wilde
[shouting] COME ON, SHAW-RY!
Let's have a bit of the old wit then, Bern!
OWOscar Wilde
Come on, Shaw-ry!
[frustrated, Shaw blows a raspberry; the entire party erupts with laughter, as Prince Albert Edward approaches Shaw to shake his hand]
Monty Python's Flying Circus · 162 quotes