JMJames McNeill Whistler
There is only one thing in the world worse than being witty, and that is not being witty.
[the assembled party erupts into laughter, except for Wilde, who looks somewhat annoyed]
JMJames McNeill Whistler
You will, Oscar, you will.
[the party erupts into laughter again]
Your Majesty, have you met James McNeill Whistler?
Yes, we played squash together.
There is only one thing worse than playing squash together, and that is playing it by yourself.
[the party remains silent, as Wilde's remark fails to elicit laughter]
I wish I hadn't said that.
JMJames McNeill Whistler
You did, Oscar, you did. [more laughter from the party]
'
JMJames McNeill Whistler
Your Highness, you are also like a stream of bat's piss.
JMJames McNeill Whistler
[gesturing towards Wilde] It was one of Wilde's, one of Wilde's.
[shouting] It sodding was not! It was Shaw!
GBGeorge Bernard Shaw
[taken aback] I-I merely meant, Your Majesty, that you shine out like a shaft of gold, when all around is dark.
[to Whistler] Right! Right?
JMJames McNeill Whistler
[looking at Shaw] Smart arse.
Your Majesty is like a dose of clap.
JMJames McNeill Whistler
Before you arrive is pleasure, and after is a pain in the dong.
Wilde and Whistler: One of Shaw's, one of Shaw's.
GBGeorge Bernard Shaw
...you bastards! Um, what I meant, Your Majesty...what I meant...
JMJames McNeill Whistler
Come on, Shaw-ry!
GBGeorge Bernard Shaw
[stammering] I merely meant--
[shouting] COME ON, SHAW-RY!
JMJames McNeill Whistler
Let's have a bit of the old wit then, Bern!
[frustrated, Shaw blows a raspberry; the entire party erupts with laughter, as Prince Albert Edward approaches Shaw to shake his hand]
Monty Python's Flying Circus · 162 quotes